Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Starbucks, America, Money, Love, Respect, Starbucks

Starbucks fourth quarter profit drops 97 per cent on closure costs

So I saw something terribly startling on the front page of Yahoo! Canada today. Apparently Starbucks is going down the great grande double mocha shitter in the sky. This, as I’m sure you all know, comes as sad news to me. Being the thick rimmed glasses, scarf wearing, messy haired, too poor to be a yuppie, but too rich to be in a struggling band type of guy that I am; this startling twist of events has hit me like a spin kick to my testicles.

My most immediate concern is the baristas. Oh lonely, sarcastic, Starbucks baristas. Who will you scoff at and talk ill of when there are no more customers to be served? You can’t make sarcastic remarks while serving coffee to your parents, because, after all, you are living under their roof and they are paying for your liberal arts degree. My guess is you’ll be trading that green apron for a blue one and greeting people with that trademark coffee barista sneer down at the local Walmart where you’ll try to sell discount denim in size venti.

On that topic, let me be the first to say that I will dearly miss ordering my coffee in classy Italian sizes (is it Italian? I’m too sad to research it). The amounts of pride I’ve drawn from strolling up to the counter and playing gay interior decorator while describing every last colour, hue, hint and sprinkle of my order will be greatly missed. This morning I dropped to my knees and thanked God that I wasn’t a writer (wait, am I a writer?).

Be prepared to experience a shortage of reading material rivaled only by the pre-printing press era. Every writer who has nursed their drink like a freshman at a strip club trying to squeeze every last drop of bandwidth out of the free internet access is utterly screwed. I feel for these people. Thinking that Joe Writer will no longer have a place to sit in a comfy lounge chair for six hours with a, "I'm in deep thought" look in his eyes as he types “I'm gonna get pussy” over and over while acting like he’s banging out the next ‘Catcher in the Rye’ is a burden I cannot possibly bear. This madness must end.

At this time I can’t help but draw comparisons between the late great Kurt Cobain and Starbucks. Both from Seattle, each perfected their art in a way that allowed them to act like they invented it. This inflated sense of self-superiority allowed both to act like their shit didn't stink and the public ate it up. Both saw their rise to popularity come swift and thunderous, and in the end both died by their own hands in a sea of depression and a lack of self identity. I blame myself and all of you for demanding too much of their craft while merely overpaying every step of the way. Come on, guys. We can do better than that.

It’s not too late. We can save Starbucks. We can get out there today and order a cinnamon spice mocha with no foam and a pinch of nutmeg or a caramel apple cider easy on the whipped cream but heavy on the chocolate shavings. It’s the least we can do for a friend. The type of friend that does so so much for us and asks for nothing in return; nothing but $5 dollars for a fucking cup of fucking coffee.


Miss said...

Damn. I'm letting you down. I didn't do my part today. I'll go straight away and get myself a couple of venti something or others.

Megan said...


Chris Wood said...

I don't think their sizes are real Italian, just pretentious bullshit Italian. I dunno. Ask an Italian.

And it is very sad that they're going down the plughole. Awww.

Thinkinfyou said...

I wasn't as shocked that you were a fan of Starbucks,as I was at the fact that you have testicles. Who would have thought.

Sully Sullivan said...

Check out FYou with the zinger.

Alright its on now.

Humor Hero said...

Aaand once again we are on the same page, as noted in my post back in March when Starbucks closed their doors for a few hours to "perfect espresso."

Kori said...

Jesus. I actually like Starbucks, the truths you mentioned notwithstanding.

Bee said...

Never been a Starbucks fan. I like making my own coffee or drinking the swill at the office. It put hair on my chest, upper lip and tongue. That's how coffee should be!

Also, they used to say that if a Starbucks went up in your area the property value would go up also. I wonder if it's the other way around now? Luckily for me, I have a Dunkin Donuts going up near my house.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm not sad for Jane Writer who may have no place to sit for six hours while banging out the next Bell Jar. But I am sad for my kids--they're truly addicted and Starbucks makes for great bribing.

BTW, I'll take you up on that offer. No, not that one. The other one.

VE said...

You know, if they hadn't put one on every single corner of the planet they might not be going down the drain. I can actually make it 5 or 6 blocks, heck, even a mile without one... Really...I can.

Oh...and what's the difference between a dictatorship and Sully's blog? Nothing...the polls are closed for both! (update your poll, man!)

Suzy said...


catscratch said...

I am proud to say that I am contributing to the demise of the venti cuppa joe.

Yes, my friend, I discovered that a LARGE vanilla iced coffee from McD's is extremely tasty, served by a redneck and only $2.00.

God bless Mc'D's.

RIP StarSchmucks.

Heather said...

I'm in agreeance with the McDonald's coffee love.

I'm pretty burned out on Starbucks. So is most of America.