Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Your Ridiculous News - September 9th/10th Edition

Oasis Gets Rocked

"Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher was attacked by an audience member during the band’s set at the Virgin Festival in Toronto. As evidenced by the above video, the unnamed assailant appears from stage right and pushes Noel into his monitor while the band played 'Morning Glory.' The man then attempts to confront singer Liam Gallagher before being promptly restrained by security (who also had to restrain Liam from punching the assailant). The band followed the attack with a short break before returning to the stage to resume their set. The unnamed attacker was later charged with assault."
-Rolling Stone Website (Video Courtesy of

I'll start by saying that the attacker's name is also my uncle's name. That's not really relevant in any way, but when it's 8 am and you're on your way to work...for almost a second you truly believe that your uncle attacked Oasis. In that brief moment, you're more alive than you've ever been.

Anyhow, this is brilliant in so many ways. I've always liked Oasis as musicians, but as human beings, it doesn't get much more annoying than two melodramatic brothers who can't seem to get along regardless of how much money hinges upon their unity.

It all went down in my hometown. The hero in our story decided that he'd heard "What's The Story (Morning Glory)" one too many times and that song names with bracketed items in them are very very stupid. Succumbing to the anger brewing deep inside his belly, he rushed the stage. Once on the stage, he violently tackled both brothers simultaneously (KILLER COMBO!!!), and was promptly arrested (OH NO! GAME OVER!!!). Apparently Noel's rib was fractured in the exchange, but he was probably going to have that removed anyway.

Obama VS Palin: Who's liberal-er?

"Sen. John McCain has wiped away many of Sen. Barack Obama's pre-convention advantages, and the race for the White House is now basically deadlocked at 47 percent for Obama and 46 percent for McCain among registered voters, according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll. The presidential contest is also about even among those who are the most likely to vote in November: 49 percent for McCain, 47 percent for Obama."
-Washington Post

Well it wasn't really supposed to happen this way. The plan was that people would get all jollied up with the false hope of a democrat being back in the oval office and then the gun toting, red blooded Americans with obese children that comprise most of America would crush said jollies by electing McCain by a narrow margin.

Well FUCK THAT. Cat's outta the bag apparently. Barack "Mortal Kombat 3" Obama is already falling behind in the polls. You just have to love the republicans for saying, "Oh you have a black guy? Well CHECK THIS Alaskan MILF hockey-mom with a pregnant teen daughter and a down syndrome son. BOOMSHAKALAKA...Bank it, motherfuckers."

And the American public has. End of story. At least B-rack (not to be confused with your girlfriend's chest) can now look forward to not being assassinated.

Tom Brady Goes Down
On Giselle Bundchen then goes out and fucks up his knee while playing football

"Brady, the 2007 NFL Most Valuable Player, will miss the rest of the season because of a left knee injury that needs surgery, the Patriots said Monday...Brady’s knee collapsed under him when he was hit by safety Bernard Pollard in a 17-10 victory over the Chiefs."
-Kansas City Star

If, while I was counting the money that I earned betting against the Patriots in the Superbowl last year, you had said, "Man, something even more hilarious and tragic will happen to Tom Brady next season..." I would have replied with bright eyes, "What? Is Giselle Bundchen gonna turn out to be a guy?"

Although that probably would have been funnier, this is still pretty damn delicious in my books. It appears that Tom Brady has blown a hammy or torn an MCL or (fingers crossed) had his leg snapped off at the hands of Bernard Pollard, who I will now be referring to as "Football Jesus the Magnificent One". Ah well, the injury comes at a good time for Brady who has been looking to focus on modelling underwear and stalking red carpets at celebrity events like a hungry puma. He has also announced plans to work at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless...out of his chin dimple. Meanwhile, Matt Cassel (pictured below) has already bricked in his pants just thinking about the pressure he's about to feel for the next 15 weeks.

I have a friend who owns a Tom Brady jersey and wears it every Sunday. I wonder if they sell Tom Brady knee braces.

Love Advice
In a new addition to my (sort of) recurring "Ridiculous News" feature, I will be answering REAL love advice questions from a free local newspaper here in Toronto called 24 Hours. (Yes, it is based on the hit television series by habitual drunken Canadian, Kiefer Sutherland.) Anyhow, here's today's question...

"In the past, I have entered into relationships that in some way seemed to compromise what I really wanted in a partner. I had the belief that if you can learn to love someone, it will be fine.
After two unsuccessful marriages and a recent failed relationship, I came to the conclusion that I won't be one of the lucky ones to find that one special person we all seem to want. Am I right?"

-Tired, Toronto

Hi Tired,
In a nut shell: yes you are right. You're extremely desperate. That much is clear. What isn't clear is who exactly you're looking for. Batman? Is it the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials? Perhaps you would like to marry The Fonz? (not present day Henry Winkler...gross)

What you need to do is settle. First of all, you're asking love advice from a psychic...who writes for a free newspaper...that people use as napkins on the subway. That's not good. That simple fact alone would lead me to believe that you are far too inept to ever be loved by anyone. Second, there is no second. You're just not good enough.

My honest advice: If you are, in fact, so tired of all this, maybe you should just fall asleep...forever. Catch my drift?


Quickroute said...

The man is a hero in my book!
I'd like to hire him for some other songs that piss me off no end e.g. Scissors Sisters - Whack! Thump! Bang! ah that feels much better!

Brian o vretanos said...

You're missing a trick with your advice. Can I suggest something more along these lines:

"Dear Tired,

Your problems come from a low self-esteem. You need to be more positive - get a copy of my book "Be Who You Want, Get What You Want" (available for only $49.99 at all good book stores). Although it won't help you, and you'll have another 3 shitty relationships and end up drinking yourself to death, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that your contribution to my income made you a less useless member of society."

Miss said...

*gasp* oh shit... I am laughing to hard right now. My comment is totally lame and worthless and for that I'm sorry.

Kori said...

All I can do is agree with miss and say I am glad you are back.

Thinkinfyou said...

I hope you are never asked to give out advice on a suicide hotline.

Suzy said...

This was one of the funniest posts Ive ever read anywhere. ***for almost a second you truly believe that your uncle attacked Oasis. In that brief moment, you're more alive than you've ever been.***

that girl said...

Dude you're crazy. Hmm..where do I start? At the top? No, too predictable, Ah yes: Kiefer is from Canada? He's always been pretty hot to me.. I can't believe a plan by the Republican party is actually 'working'.. I'm in complete agreement with you about the 2yrold brothers..but, my emotional development will always be entwined with Wonderwall and Champaigne Supernova (sp? -fuck it) I'm afraid you're inviting bad karma with all the celebration over someone's INJURY. Although, I'm completely okay with you hoping Giselle is a guy. that pretty bitch.

And you should tell "tired" to go on and settle down with batman and pop out a few babies and then go back to work and see if she still wants to throw around the word "tired" then.

Megan said...

Matt looks pretty clueless in that picture. All owners of Randy Moss are shaking in their shoes right now.

Meg said...

Did I mention I need some relationship advice as well?

The Sports Mama said...

First, for Keifer I would happily get my uterus back and have his babies.

And with Tom Brady out for the season, I have no idea what my husband will use to torment my son with. Its sad, really.

The Hypocritical One said...

Matt Cassell will be most famous for being picked up in fantasy football leagues by 456,222 people in one week.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I loved the way Liam Gallagher only waded in AFTER about 14 bodyguards had jumped the guy...


cptwilly said...

Still entertaining. Keep up the good work.

Poor Obama. I could almost cry for him . . . but I don't cry for rich elites. After having almost gotten beat by a girl, can he pull it off a second time?

McCain made a great choice. Women and guns are always a winning combination -- just ask my wife. Any other VP candidate would pale in comparison.

Don't count Obama out yet. He is just biden his time for the right opportunity to attack.

Heather said...

I don't think Cassel has started in a football game since high school. So, you're probably accurate in the brick description.

Although the hit wasn't dirty, I'm still proud of my hometown team...even if it's just this once. And we'll suck from here on out.

At least Tom's face wasn't injured. Dude's going to need a backup plan.

AnnD said...

Your thoughts on why McCain chose Palin are so right on! As you said, he's just trying to say: "Hey! I'm a liberal too man! I can offer us a minority in the White House too! Look at me! Look at me!" No journalist has said it better than you though:
You just have to love the republicans for saying, "Oh you have a black guy? Well CHECK THIS Alaskan MILF hockey-mom with a pregnant teen daughter and a down syndrome son. BOOMSHAKALAKA...Bank it, motherfuckers."

HumorSmith said...

Niiiice......remind me not to seek you out for love advice.

I have awarded you the Arte Y Pico on my site. Check it out and spread the love.

leigh said...

ah sully, you never fail to crack me up. ok, i totally *hate* those pompous british beatle wannabe brothers and no one deserves an ass whipping more, with the possible exception of charlie sheen. and i totally agree with your assessment of the candidates. the GOP has succeeded in out-democrating the democrats. this is really starting to get good.

catscratch said...

You always have the news the way it should be. Always.

Michelle Ann said...

Is that last picture Lee Marvin?

priya said...

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~Static~ said...

Touche! Nice job sir.