Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Suburban Neighborhood Super Heroes

So imagine the neighborhood was a comic book (or saturday morning cartoon show, for you illiterate sons of bitches). These following people would be the stars of the show as they are the SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD SUPERHEROES!

AKA: Shirtless Lawn Mower Guy

Powers: Durable skin allows him to be shirtless regardless of climate, green
ankles, overabundance of areola hair, immune to the effects of gasoline inhalation

Haven't been grossed out today? Yearning to be uncomfortable? A fan of awkward eye
contact? Yardo Skintastic is here to help. It's late October, you've finally
broken out the polar fleece fall sweater and you're coming around the corner at
the end of your street. You hear that unmistakable sound...it's YARDO SKINTASTIC!
His man tits are hanging and his denim shorts are thigh high. All of a sudden
you don't feel like lunch. Once again, Yardo has saved the day!


AKA: The Couple Who Pops In Then Never Leaves

Powers: Inherent immunity to boredom, can produce questions at a super-human rate, impervious to hints
In the middle of something really important? Just ready to sit down to dinner? Haven't even woke up yet? Dun DA DA...here comes the unstoppable duo of Captain Asks-A-Lot and The Sentence Finisher! One asks inappropriate questions while the other finishes each sentence in your response! Don't even think about implying that you have better things to do than interact with these heroes, because they know you don't!

AKA: The Neighborhood Gossip Queen.

Powers: Can dial a phone number in under 1 second, doesn't need to breathe between
sentences, can see through up to 5 different types of curtains

Wondering who's wife banged the mail man? Just shit your pants rushing to get your
house keys out? Missed the domestic disturbance last night? Never fear, all your
neighborhood newsy needs will be met and you won't even have to pick up your
phone! Gossipa is armed with destructive information and poised to materialize
from behind your bushes as soon as you get home!

AKA: Guy Who Always Has To Get The Best Deal

Powers: Impeccable garage sale detection senses, Costco membership, can haggle the
pants off an Eskimo, can maintain an erection for hours by simply looking at the
words: "or best offer"

Looking to be robbed blind selling your washing machine? Have too many VCRs in
your house? Sick and tired of re-stringing your guitar? The Deal Stealer will be
on the scene before you can even write the price on a sticky note. After a brief 5
hour negotiation in which he pretends to walk away multiple times and insults you
twice, that thing you don't need anymore will be off your hands for far less than
you ever imagined selling it for! Hey and don't even worry about wanting to
rethink your decision because "a deal is a deal, pal!"

AKA: Guy Who's Always Working On or Cleaning His Car

Powers: skin grows white undershirts organically, slippery-est hands on the block,
enormous amounts of chest hair

Enjoy catching glimpses of hairy ass cracks? Have you always dreamed of being
whistled at while someone stares at your tits? Do you like being awoken to the
sound of a revving 8 cylinder on a Sunday morning? Dr. Automo KNOWS you do and
he's more than willing to satisfy all of those desires...plus MORE. He'll even
come over and stand behind you while you rotate the tires on your car and point
out EACH and EVERY single mistake that you're making and then he’ll hit on your
wife right in front of you! On top of all that, he smells incredibly bad!

AKA: The Annoying Little Kids of the Neighborhood Who Screw Around Too Much

Powers: A superior toleration of handling dog shit, imaginations strong enough to
turn the hood of your car into a trampoline, much faster on foot than you are

You have an important possession that needs breaking? Haven't chased anything at
full speed in a while? Looking to blow a tire running over a bicycle? The Little
Shit Super Squad is on the scene! In fact, they've been on the scene all afternoon
while you've been slaving away at work and they are just waiting for you to sit
down with a glass of red wine so they can test your patience with a rousing game
of Nicky Nine doors.

AKA: Nosey Old War Vet Who's Always Complaining

Powers: Incredible repertoire of old-timey slang, ability to go from docile to
steaming in under 6 seconds, immunity to joy

Been yelled at for walking your dog lately? Hungry for a verbal assault consisting
mainly of phrases you don't understand? Craving a good hollerin' at and a steady
wallopin'? Wrinkles Von Ornery is just one screen door creak away from giving you the
business for starting your car too loudly or having children or keeping your grass too green. Having been through three wars and a depression, Wrinkles Von Ornery has a zero tolerance policy on things that are fun and exciting because those things always "doggone lead to no good".
Meanwhile back at Time Wasting Links Headquarters...
Yeah I realize that on my last post I said that the time wasting links would be updated shortly, but then I never updated them. I did this because I enjoy toying with your emotions. It makes me feel better about myself. Anyhow, they are ACTUALLY updated this time...
...or are they?
(They are)


Michelle Ann said...

I live in the hood... We keep to ourselves. However, we do call the guy across the street Fred Sanford. He is retired, always in overalls and has the oldest beat up truck I have ever seen.

Kori said...

I would past "Or best Offer" all over my body is there was a guy like the deal stealer here-because of the whole erection thing. Sully, I have GOT to stop reading your blog! :) Yeah. Right.

Meg said...

I live with one of those little shit super squad members--my kid launched a water balloon over a roof and 60 feet of lawn, and it shattered the windshield of a woman driving on a semi-busy street.

That's $200.00 less I have to spend in Toronto.

Speaking of which, I'm trying to get together with bloggers while I'm there for the film festival.

Would you be able to have some coffee or Irish coffee, or Irish coffee without the coffee or see a film with me?

The Hypocritical One said...

Where are you?? Aren't you the hero of the story?

Kat said...

Aaaaargh the Sentence Finisher is worse than having to look at Yardo Skintaastic because let me tell you Yardo on my block is more likely to cause eye cancer than anything else.

The Sentence finisher however will gimme the rest and make my ears bleed.

Kirsten said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

Megan said...

Have you been spying on my street????

'That Girl' said...

Great capture..what about the drunk guy sitting on his porch? He's funny huh?

Chris Wood said...

That's inspired stuff - good call, fella.

Brian o vretanos said...

If they brought The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy up to date, all those people would be on that spaceship - the one from that civilisation who conned the undesirable members of society into taking a one-way trip to some other galaxy because their own world was supposedly doomed (they were also the stupid members of society). Then it turned out that they landed on the Earth at the time when it was overrun with apes, and that's where the human race came from...

Tenakim said...

Thanks for your comment- it made me laugh and cry- but that was a good thing. Maybe she can join the little shit super squad and teach them profanity!

Meg said...

As Diesel publicly pointed out I misspelled my own name on my email address in the sidebar.

If you'd like to email concerning...ahem...you know what...it's: pegcypher@sbcglobal.net

That's Meg to the rest of you.

Sorry, I'm not techno-savvy enough to find your email.

buffalodickdy said...

The car guy lives across the street from me. The lawn guy is his best friend...

Leigh Anne said...

I thought these douche-bags only lived in my town... it's nice to know they are spreading their powers all over the globe (or at least SW Ontario). I've also got the creep neighbour who uses binoculars to look into mine and my girls windows. I guess using the binoculars automatically disqualifies him from superhero status though?

Bee said...

Wrinkle Von Ornery looks like he was in the middle of a heavy duty bowel movement. I hope it was that and not suspicion number 2.

Major Undeclared said...

I was gonna mention how you forgot about the man/woman who calls the cops every time their neighbor checks their mail at night. Then I saw him in all his glory, Wrinkles von Ornery. I aspire to be him one day, looking through the cracks in my window blinds.

deb said...

Hey Sully, Come check out my FCF post. YOU would like it. Make sure you follow the prompts. ;)thanks for the nice compliments yesterday!

~Static~ said...

Gah! It's true it's all true. I have met every single one of these low-life pond-scum-sucking douchebags.

Quickroute said...

Not only do most of these peeps live in my hood but I'm related to some of them F'ers!

deb said...

Oh and you must of set up surveillance here on my court. I have lawn mower guy who is the shady deal maker, who him & his wife are friends with the ask questions sentance couple...and I live with Mr. Automo. Except he's not as smelly or quite as vulgar, Loud, hairy, yes. I'm the one you forgot to mention. The lady who always borrows eggs & stuff & forgets to return the favor.

CPTWilly said...

You forgot Skintastic's partner, Yardo Fattastic. Essentially the same super hero, but he is shockingly obese mowing his lawn in nothing but daisy dukes (that would be basketball shorts on a normal sized human).

catscratch said...

Sweet Jesus. I know so many of these people!! It's scary!

Michael Cruse said...

Too funny! I almost choked on my lunch while I was reading it. The stereotypes are shockingly close to reality.

The Nemesing One said...

Wrinkle Von Ornery was my Nemesis when I was a kid. Now I have become him. It's kind of like Clark Kent growing up and becoming Lex Luthor. Awesome post - made spew Mt. Dew out my nose!

Suzanne said...

Very, very funny. Thanks for your visit because I was just told on a blog I'm a bore and basically pointless. Assholes. Hey!!! Oh, and that I suck at grammar. Now that's NOT funny!!! Why? Because I don't!

XO Suze

Heather said...

You forgot "The DeValue-er". This superhero has the ability to decrease the pleasing aesthetic (not to mention property values) with the cunning placement of a dead car on the street in front of their house. The yard has the chemical properties that handicaps Skintastic's abilities because it hasn't been mowed in two years. The DeValue-er is known to be nocturnal as they are never seen in daylight. Their spies are evident, often taking the shape of garden gnomes peppering the front yard.

Maxi Cane said...

I always got ratted on by "The curtain twitcher".

Nosey old bitch ruined my child hood with her disapproval of me pissing in her petrol tank.

FlowerGirl said...

I'll never look at my street in the same light... My neighbors will learn to strongly dislike me because I'll snicker at them every time I wave...

Suzanne said...

Oh, forgot to mention, this post is hilarious! I always forget it's not about me, me, me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, just kidding. Stop by any time. It's always a pleasure. And yes, cats are constant entertainment. Wacky funny. ;)

Suzanne said...

Was just backtracking to get to my blog and realized your from Canada. I knew that but forgot. I'm going to tell you something about Canadians. I have lots of blogging friends from Canada and love them. I also have Comcast for cable and internet and when I have a problem call and either get sent to Utah (NO HELP!!!) or Canada. Canadian techs are the best! Bar none. They guide me through everything that's wrong with my computer while we discuss kids, family, school, life, food, gas prices, America, politics. You name it. We discuss it. And then poof, the computer is fixed. I love Canadians! So glad you're one! I should blog about this.


Kelley said...

Dude, I work with Wrinkles Von Ornery. He is always bitchin' about people taking his staple remover. Cause apparently he won it in Vietnam or a bar fight or it was all he was allowed to eat in the Depression or something. And he likes to take staples out of everything. And make a big dusty ball on his desk.

Apparently I breathe too loudly sometimes.

Rickey Henderson said...

Turn down that music! Get off Rickey's lawn!

VE said...

Corporate America breeds sentence finishers! I've seen them! Run away. Run away.

Hillarious post as usual...

Anonymous said...


Maxi Cane said...

It's never surprising when someone leaves a comment like that ANONYMOUSLY.


that girl said...

Such a friendly crowd over here.

The Captain said...

So fucking funny, I had to post it on TOsports.ca, hey Sully, get in touch I cant find your fricken email, were publishing very soon and I need to chat-a-rant!

The Captain