Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Your Softball Team's All-Stars

Guy That Takes it Too Seriously

Height: 6'4

Weight: A lean mean 215

Age: 45

Likes: Humiliating his kids at swimming lessons, red-lighting 3-0 counts, legging out singles, anabolic steroids.

Dislikes: Losing softball games and his hair and his wife and...listen this guy just
doesn't like to lose.

Day Job: Grade School Gym Teacher

"Listen up you skirt twirling fairy dancers. My name's Darren and I'm here to BRING THE PAIN. We will not lose. If we lose one game, I will personally kill all of your children with my fists. I'm only playing in this league because Sundays are my relax day. Monday through Saturday, I play in real ultra competitive leagues. You know...the type of leagues where you get boot fucked in the parking lot post game for not turning a double play. As you can see, I bulked up a little this off season and dropped two jock sizes in the process. It's a lot easier to leg out a double when your scrotum is half the size of a regular adult male's. I use the extra jock space to stash my chew. No you may not have any. Maybe if you got on base once in a while you kool-aid guzzling faglets. Hey, you could all actually maybe be halfway not losers if you just came to the batting cages with me for like 8...maybe 9 hours. Cool, I'll pick you all up at 6 am next Tuesday. I think we have a pretty solid team this year. You men don't seem to be too gay and I'm pretty sure that at least three of you six women are lesbians. That's a great non-gay male to gay female ratio...maybe the best in the league. Honestly, if we don't win it all this year, I'm going to rape someone. I mean that."

Woman Who Only Plays To Keep an Eye on Her Husband

Height: 5'2

Weight: 115

Likes: Husband, Love, Affection, Kisses...lots of kisses

Dislikes: Bitches, whores, sluts, floosies, overtime work, undertime work, business trips, dead cell phones, secretaries (see whores).

Day Job: Homemaker

"Hi, I'm Sharon. I have a wonderful husband named Peter. He's right over there...HI SWEETIE PETEY. Alright he's not paying attention to me right now. I LOVE SOFTBALL. With the bats and the running and the teamwork. This is really exciting. It's fun to get outdoors with my wonderful husband. Why does a softball team need so many women though? I think I could handle it if all you girls just want to go home or to the bar to pick up married men or whatever you do. Hey Marla, try some of the cookies I brought for everyone. Take two actually...if your hands are full, maybe they won't be all over my husband for two minutes. No Peter, I will not take it easy. I don't care if we *air quotes* talked about this."

Never Played Before in His Life Guy

Height: 5'6 tops

Weight: 125 with his shoes on

Age: 31

Likes: Reading, the internet, reading the internet, computer languages, Star Trek languages, Middle Earth languages, comic books

Dislikes: Jocks, athletes, super wedgies, purple nurples, bad words, ear infections

Day Job: Sells science fiction crap on Ebay

"Hey guys! I'm Clinton! I've been playing rockball for years. Huh? Yeah softball, that's what I said. My mom said if I didn't get out of the house more, I'd lose internet privileges. See if I give a care. She's always with that jerk Gary these days anyhow. Let's play guys, I'm ready to go. I have my baseball stick and my hand...catching...thinger. This is going to be the best summer since I finger banged Sheila at art camp 3 years ago."

Big Fat Drunken Sweaty Guy

Height: 5'11

Weight: An unhealthy 275

Age: 40

Likes: Coors Light and ONLY Coors Light, Hawaiian shirts, visors, Perspirex, America, talking loudly

Dislikes: Running, diving, trying, That Nazi imported shit beer, sharts, hot weather, cold weather, weather, party poopers

Day Job: Mail Sorter

"Hey...pssst...shhh dude you're gonna get us caught. C'mere. Yeah come over for a sec. Check out what I got in the back of my truck man. Yeah that's a 2-4 of Coors Light. There's three left, you want one? C'mon don't be a pussy. You're being a pussy...have one...there you go. I'm Chuck by the way. Oh man, thank god I'm not the boogie man because I just can't stay away from these silver bullets...OHHHHHHHH...I just thought of that just now. No, dude...I'm pretty sure it's the boogie man. Werewolves? Get out of here! You're drunk man. You're SO FUCKING DRUNK...I'm MOTHERFUCKING LOVING IT...WHOOOOOOOOOO."

The Man-Woman

Height: 5'9...5'11 with afro mullet

Weight: A lean mean 215

Age: 34

Likes: Tori Amos, steak, A1 steak sauce, arm wrestling, Die Hard parts 1 and 3, karate

Dislikes: Pretty women, pretty kids, pretty much everyone, penis

Day Job: Garbage Man...er...Garbage Woman? That doesn't sound right.

"What's up pussies? The name's Gert. Actually it's Gert the Hurt. In fact, I must be called Gert the Hurt or I will fuck you up. That's not a warning...that's a threat. I'm the clean up hitter. Does anyone have a problem with that? Didn't think so. Yes I smell like garbage, there's no denying it, but YOU WILL act like I don't or I'm going to put my orthopedic knee brace through your eye socket. I will be playing first base....and third base...and catcher...and outfield. You know what? We'd be better off just letting me play the entire game alone because I don't see one non-bitch in front of me. My friend Paula comes to watch every game and if I catch even one of you sackless dick lickers glancing at her, it's on. You know what 'it's on' means? No? Then it's on."

Tell Gert the Hurt and the whole gang down at your local softball diamond to read my blog.


Jeremy said...

Jim Rome weighed in on this topic too:

Personally, I'm angry young guy, and I'm betting you're the same...

Kori said...

ppened to the post that was up for, like, three minutes yesterday? Really, it was a pretty good one. This one is funny, though! :)

blaine_fridley said...

nice post, sully. you forgot one dude, however. very closely related to "guy who takes it too seriously" is the "uninvited hitting instructor" - usually someone on the team's dad. yup. the same guy that would show up at your little league games and strong arm your coach into letting him be an "assistant" has followed you up the ranks to D-league parks and rec. co-ed softball, and he still thinks you suck just as badly as you did when you were 10. he'll constantly badger you about keeping your hands back, turning your wrists and "staying on top of the ball", making you wish you were still at the office.

Tenakim said...

I haven't played on a softball team in 10-15 years! I played on a coed team where the woman were just "filler" (we didn't have any Gerts)- we all equally sucked in our ability and just drank beer
(or Zima- as it was all the rage for about 15 minutes back then).

Bex said...

Dude. Hilarious post.

Megan said...

I can't wait to go to my brother's first game and see if it really is as you say.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Is it wrong that I actually fit into three of those categories?

Putting the fact I have no idea what the sport is aside...

Huckdoll said...

Add me to the Z) category...

Uncategorized because she despises any sports that ends with "ball".

After this post, I might frequent a few local games just for the giggles.


Bee said...

You nailed them all!

I would be a combo of the short chick keeping an eye on her husband because of all the dirty whores and the man-woman because I dislike everybody.

Except I like penises.

Well, just one.

damon said...

If you don't mind Sully, I'm gonna use that first one for my opener at practice next season.
The kids on my team don't realize the seriousness of t-ball


I don't even know where I fit in. I loved this and had a good time laughing.

Keli said...

Wow! You got these profiles down! I've known a few Man-Woman types, only they've been females, about 5'5", no makeup, really bad hair days daily, dress like men, talk like men and basically are men. Are mostly lawyers who hate women who act like women. I think they even wear jock straps for added effect.

CableGirl said...

Ok, that's just too funny.

Thanks for weighing in on my post yesterday. It helped me quite a bit to get other opinions...

Queen Goob said...

I will make my own title to fit me a bit better, I would be Drunkin’ Sweaty Girl That Takes It Too Seriously.

Height: 5'4

Weight: A lean mean 125

Age: 42

Likes: Humiliating her kids in public, Hawaiian shirts, hell, Hawaiian men, Bud Lite and ONLY Bud Lite

Dislikes: Losing softball games and her hips and her lovelife and hot weather and running….listen this gal just doesn't like to lose.

Day Job: IT Acronym Interpreter

moonmystic said...

I drove by some insanely long softball tournament yesterday, thought of your blog, and chuckled to myself. Then it started to rain on them all and I really started to laugh out loud.