Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"Fan" Mail

Attn: Subway Restaurants
Re: Being the absolute worst ever

From Jared to the term “Sandwich Artist” to their Nazi-like stranglehold on the store bathrooms; Subway has been terrorizing our wallets, and more importantly our spirits, for far too long. In order to have a “fresh made sandwich”, we have to endure sky high prices, stingy vegetables portions, the lack of emphasis in employee training on taking off the clear plastics gloves when you handle filthy currency, and about a million other annoyances. How is this franchise still afloat? That’s an honest question and I really hope someone waltzes into the comments section with big enough balls to give me a straight-faced answer to it.

Let’s start with the food itself. When talking about eating, a lot of people will resort to the phrase “quality over quantity” and many times, they are correct. However, the only thing that qualifies a cucumber as being of high quality is it not being brown and rotten and I think we can all expect that Subway will at least hold up to the these standards. Bring on the quantity. If I want extra green olives, just smile and give them to me. Don’t look at me like I’m holding your daughter hostage and demanding your wallet and the keys to your Camry. I shouldn’t have to feel like a guerilla mercenary gun-for-hire because I want 7 slices of tomato rather than the customary 5. If I want you to stuff a sack with carrot shavings, start stuffing, because I just paid your hourly wage for a 12 inch turkey on white. This is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. I also demand fresh bread as alleged in the smoke and mirror lie shows that you call commercials. Yeah it’s true that your bread is baked fresh daily…at 6 am. If I wanted a sandwich before sunrise, then I would surely enjoy the deliciously tender fresh bread you have. Unfortunately, by the time my lunch hour rolls around at 1pm, the buns are ready to be cut into discs and handed out at church on Sunday. I came for a sub on “freshly baked bread”…not communion.

Bathrooms are something every restaurant should provide with a smile, not a cold stare and a series of elaborate riddles. Even if I’m not actually going to buy something, why not let me use the bathroom anyways? I promise I will not steal the metal flushing lever, no matter how hot they are right now on the underground Russian toilet accessories market. I don’t really look like a candidate to die with a needle in my arm clutching the paper towel dispenser in a Subway bathroom…at least not today anyways. Basically, if I run in to the sound of sirens with a syringe and bent spoon falling out of my track pants, I’d understand if you politely declined my entry to the bathroom; otherwise, just fuck off and let me pee, and if you’re real lucky I won’t drip any on the seat because I’m a real nice guy. Also, locking it tighter than Hannibal Lector’s prison cell is probably something you may want to scale back on. Spending my sub money on an intricate electronic pulley system and a full on castle moat isn’t exactly a brilliant allocation of resources. Are random non-customer bathroom uses really that much of a priority? How about decently training your “Sandwich Artists” instead?

A subway sandwich MAKER is about as much of an artist as a janitor is a diarrhea connoisseur. They pile meat, cheese, and the skimpiest amounts of vegetables onto crusty, flakey bread. Then they cut it. Then they wrap it in rice paper and slide it into a bag. Well la-di-fucking-Picasso. I can see it now…the affluent hanging 6 inch BLTs on their walls explaining to their rich guests, “This is an original Gary. It was his second day on the job and he banged this one out in about 10 minutes. My eyes welled up, my heart fluttered and I said, ‘I must have it’ and I then I did. Now, come come…you must see my California Wrap” Look I understand giving your employees a false sense of pride, and given the wages you pay them, there’s a strong chance that there’s no mirror access in the hostel they’re forced to live in, but come on...they know what they are and we know what they are. We aren’t as stupid as you’d think. We’re just barely stupid enough to pay $9 for a sandwich we could make at home for about $1, but we’re definitely not stupid enough to ever consider someone working at your franchise to be an “artist”.

Clean up your act, Subway!



New links for you to waste your time with on the top right of the page!!! YAYYESSS! (I'll be updating them regularly, for real this time).

Subway employees are not encouraged to read my blog. Your friends and family are.


Kori said...

Where have you BEEN? Geez! The reader she has been empty for a very long time of your stuff. I posted a thing about Subway too, awhile ago, and here is the answer to your question: we like it because we have the illusion of it being good and healthy and cheap, and we buy into the hype. Really. Just another advertising gimmick that is really saying, "Bend over and let me poke you," because we are REALLY paying for the very same thing they sell at truck stops wrapped in cellophane. My personal bitch is the Sneeze Guards-they are offensive to me-and the fact that the olives are always old.

leigh said...


subway is great. and by great, i mean it blows huge chunks.

whoops...i'm not allowed to say that anymore.

Pele said...

Amen brutha! We stopped going to Subway because I find it to be a problem when, if blindfolded, I couldn't distinguish turkey, ham, roast chicken and roast beef apart! Real meat has a distinct taste which Subway heavily lacks. I'm also not a fan of the "shred-n-pile" method with lettuce. I'd like the choice of lettuce leaves please and you hit it right on with the stale ass bread. By the time we'd get it for dinner it tasted like (and practically was) day old bread. I mean if we got it at 6pm it was 3 hours away from being their trash!

Bee said...

I hate Subway. I swear the guy in that picture is the same one that works at the Subway near my office.

The Sports Mama said...

Wow. So in one visit here I've gone from not even knowing you were out there, to thinking.... Yeah, I'm gonna have to come back here. :)

And Subway? Sucks eggs.

Brian o Vretanos said...

Here in a country where the quality of food is somewhat, er, lacking, Subway is actually one of the better places to go.

So when you've finished your crusade on the other side of the Pond, please feel free to come over here and do the same...

Smart A$$ Mom said...

hysterical. What a great morning laugh. Thanks for stopping by my blog-I look forward to coming back here for some laughs!!

Tanya Kristine said...

daaaaang. someone needs a fresh 6am sandwich.

i agree of the veggies...the black olives crack me up becuase they're the size of dimes and they carefully lay the 5 they'll give you about an inch out...i might od on olivse! CAN make people, yes i'll bet you can.

deb said...

the last time i was at subway i asked for salami on my turkey sand and the girl refused. i offered to pay extra and still she refused as "it is not on our menu" i walked out. I just wanted salami for f'n sakes! great post

Sully Sullivan said...'s good to be back, and I agree, I would never have intercourse with subway

leigh...hey hey hey, you know the rules

pele...damn where were you when i was writing this, I hate the lettuce scheme they have going on, the subs end up being 80% lettuce.

bee...subway workers all the look the same to you Bee, don't're such a foodist

sports mama...oh I'm out there alright, thanks for stopping by

brian...i agree that as far as fast food goes, aside from their "tactics" the actual food is pretty good save for the oft-stale bread

smart ass mom...hey no problem, thanks for stopping by mine

tanya...yep 6 olives over 12 inches is an average of 1 olive per 2 inches...that's unacceptable. I'm a huge olive fan and I never stand for that when they try and pull it.

Deb...that doesn't surprise me at all. Is salami seriously not on their menu though? I didn't know that.

Megan said...

"Sandwich artist" is indeed cringeworthy, but it still doesn't bug me as much as "barista."

I want to choke on my coffee whenever I hear that one.

Nick said...

Maybe it's just the UK? Or Birmingham, UK? Or, specifically, the particular Birmingham ghetto I live in? But the artistes at our local Subway put so much filling into those sandwiches that you need a knife and fork to eat them. That beats a trip to the gallery in my book.

But then Subways have that smell, don't they? Like dough mixed with plant food or something.

Meg said...

I'll have to take your word on the quality at Subway. I personally don't eat at places that don't sell beer.

Meg said...

And that's my honest, straight-faced answer.

Humor Hero said...

Here's another thing wrong with Subway. Some of us want to go into the store, order a sandwich, and be done with it. If we don't specify something to the contrary, it can be assumed that we want what should traditionally come on the sandwich. If I ask for a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki, don't ask me what I want on it. Do you think "sweet" and "teriyaki" go with pepper jack cheese and oil and vinegar? No! That would taste like ass. Just give me what is supposed to come on it. Chicken, Onion, Teriyaki, and maybe some wilted shreds of lettuce.

If I want to divert part of my retirement fund into a sandwich franchise, my money goes to Quiznos. Who cares if it costs more? The only questions they ask are "Which bread and what size?"

~Static~ said...

Ha ha ha! Nice!

"I came for a sub on “freshly baked bread”…not communion."

Here here! ACK! The stale bread they try to serve you is like adding insult to injury! I could use one loaf for a bat in a softball game. They are simply giving out the stale bread to save money... well they could do that simply by baking so many loaves at INTERVALS throughout the day, that way they don't end up throwing out a shit load of it at the end of the day! And we wonder why there are starving people in the world. FOR SHAME SUBWAY!

I also hate their skimpiness on meats and toppings, omg don't ask for oil&vinegar and salt'npepper it might blow their minds. They are like the soup nazi on a bad Seinfeld episode... making everyone line up like cattle, along their little sandwich making pothead assembly line those la-di-fricking-da-picasso's assholes!

LunaNik said...

So, I've wandered over here to say hello and have found a handful of my bloggy buds have already made themselves quite comfortable. Looks like I'm late to the party. Next time, I'll bring the beer, you supply the subway (extra black olives for me thanks) and we'll have a food fight. I'll definitely be back.

P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

honjii said...

At least with some chains you know what to expect, consistency. Not so with Subway (Sub-par) If you are lucky you will get bread and veggies that are fresh, but these times are the exception.

I got sick eating one of their sandwiches so I'm done with Subway.

And yep, I noticed that same thing where some of those idiot "artists" handle the cash with the same sandwich art creating gloves. EWWW!

David said...

Dude! You are one funny writer. First time here and still laughing and scratching.
I am a fan!

Miss said...

OMG yes! If you ask for extra of ANYTHING, they charge like 2 bucks. So I want a few extra pieces of fucking cheese, you gotta go in the back and milk the damn cow? Fuck. And if you ask a question about ANY sandwhich, they get seriously offended. I know you hate your job, but shit, it pays for your weed, now make me my sandwhich!

Allie Bear said...

Okay, so I get your post but since moving out of Texas I have realized something, Texans are serious about their food. I haven't eaten at a Subway here yet but in Texas the bread is fresh, the veggies too and they give you as many as you want without bitching, also, they really could give a rat's ass about who uses the bathrooms too. Maybe this is a Canadian thing, eh?

If our Subway was like that I would hate them too but really I'm not a big sandwich person anyway...and by that I mean I don't really care for sandwiches, not that I am not a person that resembles a giant sandwich (lol, yeah, I read the previous post too).

moonmystic said...

Ok, I used to work at Subway, but that was back in 90-91 when life was simpler. There was only white or wheat; footlong or six-inch. There were only like six different sandwiches: turkey, ham, BMT, the crappy one with the crappy meats, meatball, and roast beef. We cut up our own tomatoes, lettuce, and green peppers. If someone asked for extra tomatoes, you didn't just look at them like they were a terrorist trying to smuggle six ounces of shampoo onto an airplane, you just gave it to them. And you gave them more than one. The only thing I was ever stingy with was the hot peppers and that was because they were HOT PEPPERS and I just couldn't fathom that anyone would really want those on there. The only condiments available were(in separate bottles) vinegar and oil (blech), mustard, and extra thick mayo. And I wasn't a "sandwich artist," I just worked there. We used to cut the sandwiched in the "U" shape so the stuff didn't fall out. They don't do that anymore either. That was why they called it Subway, BTW. Oh yeah, we didn't wear gloves. We touched money, our asses, the bread, our own blood (because you always cut yourself on the stupid kiddie safe knives they used to give us.) And we cooked bread and those yummy cookies all day long. Geez, maybe I should have written about this on my blog.

moonmystic said...

I did blog about it. And referenced you as my inspiration. :)

deb said...

Sully, Salami is on their menu andon the line. it however. is not sold as a sandwhich of "Turkey & Salami" Lame lame lame. I mean all I wanted was two lousy slices of salami added to my turkey sand.

Sully Sullivan said...

Megan...yes barista is pretty annoying fact, my browser's spell check doesn't even recognize it as being a word

Nick...hey man good to see you...yeah I guess UK Subway isn't as bad but I'll have to go over there to confirm before putting any omits in my article ;)

Humor Hero...yeah Quiznos. I keep hearing about how great it is, but I've never gotten around to going and trying it out. I hear it'll kill your bank account though.

Meg...nice...that's all I have to say. my kind of woman, my friend, should buy Subway...I dig your ideas

luna...thanks for stopping by my blog, too...any friends of yours are friends of mine, please bring more than 6 olives next time though i've actually had to ask them to switch to new gloves after watching them count sirty pennies in the ones they had on then come over to me and have the nerve to look me dead in the eyes and ask which bread i want.

david...thanks for the kind words, it's been a busy weekend, but i'll be sure to stop by your blog tomorrow

miss...about the can't be an artist without it whether that be musician, painter, sculptor, or professional sandwich maker...

Allie...I think it probably has something to do with us not carrying around loaded pistols

mystic...i am truly honored, thanks

deb...i see i see, we'll that's horseshit

catscratch diva said...

Subway blows.

Especially in Germany (brand spankin new).. You think they are stingy here in the US.

At least it was something familiar and not schnitzel. That is all I'm willing to give Subway...

they are better than schnitzel.

~Static~ said...

Sully - I try, I try. Can you give me a loan, I'd be happy to pay it back in free FRESH (really) Subway sandwiches with extra helpings and extra meats for life.

that girl said...

Okay, (two months later) I'm with you on the distribution of ingredients. But SO MUCH MEAT!? Why give me all that meat and then look at me like you dont' comprehend my sacriligious sp? words when I ask for one more tee-niny triangular slice of cheese. Isn't MEAT more expensive than cheese?