Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Emo: New, Refreshing, Not Ridiculous At All

So let's talk emo. Today I'd like to take a few minutes out of my day to discuss a few things regarding this subculture that has emerged amidst the heavy trials and tribulations of living in the now. Emoes are tortured souls who draw their power of being some of the most annoying humans on the planet from their constant struggle with the ills of everyday life. I'm talking pain here. The excruciating emotional pain that only a teenager can experience. The holocaust? Child's play. The great depression? A joke. The Rwandan Genocides? More like a pillow fight shared between close friends. I'm talking fucking tragedy here. I'm talking about being 5 minutes too late for purchasing Fall Out Boy tickets. I'm talking about losing your cell phone in a toilet full of throw up. I'm talking about TRAGEDY. Tra-ge-dy. I'm talking about someone criticizing your choice of color when buying those new Chuck Taylors. TRAGEDY. This is what they face. This is what they're up against.


You cannot be emo unless you are brutally committed to originality. They are just so damn individualistic and unique. They are not like the goth culture of the late 80's and 90's in any way. They are totally original. Wearing drab makeup and acting sad has never been attempted in the history of man. They are literally taking ground, breaking it into a million little pieces and declaring it "new". This is pain. This is tragedy. This is something that no one, who doesn't own at least 4 shades of black lipstick, can ever understand or feel. They ARE NOT new aged goths. They are original. They are the innovating masters of the sadness specter. They will not conform.

You cannot possibly say emo without mentioning the greatest little phrase in the history of the universe. Fucking get your hands on roughly 1 million q-tips and remove the votive sized bundles of ear wax from your ear for this. Call your kids and wake your parents. This will rock the shit right out of your ass crack. Here we go...Emoes are non-conformist. You show me an emo who doesn't believe with the entirety of their heart that they are non-conformist, and I'll show you an emo who ain't shit in the emo world. If you are non-non-conformist and have the audacity to call youself emo, you deserve to be shot in the face. Fuck it, I can't even go on with this whole sarcasm angle. I feel naked and dirty after typing the last couple paragraphs. Let's just be real. Here's the thing...NO ONE IS NON-CONFORMIST. We belong to a species called the human race. If you're really dedicated to this whole non-conformist thing, you would find a way to get a species change and become a fucking sea turtle. The bottom line in life is that we're all working towards the goal of procreation. This is what binds us together. You know Chad right? Chad. Cmon you know Chad. The guy in your art class who is so deep and sensitive and *gasp* he even wears makeup. Yeah, you know him. He's so dreamy. Well guess what...Chad is only acting this way so he can attract you, and females like you, in hopes of having sex with you. And believe, when Chad does have sex with you, there will be nothing deep and sensitive about it. Something to ponder while you wait for your pop tarts to burn. Of course you would burn your pop tarts. You like your food tortured just like your soul.

The music. Oh the music. Is there anything more annoying than a cyclical musical circle jerk. "I used to like My Chemical Romance but then they sold out, now I hate them like I hate myself." While you were too busy being depressed about your favorite band making money, you forgot to realize that your favorite band doesn't give a shit about you. Is your name Sales? No? Then they really don't give a shit about you. How stupid is it to base your music tastes on whether or not the band has signed with a major? The lead signer of that band you love so much is not deep. I take that back...he is deep. Knee deep. In pussy. Because that's why he's making the music. He's not looking to touch you in a profound way. Unless, of course, you are a groupie's labia. He is not a tortured soul. The last torturing thing he was involved in was his decision between a benz or a beamer. Choose the music you want to listen to because you like how it sounds. Don't base it on "selling out" or how "no one has ever heard of these guys that's how good they are!". It's stupid.

Contrary to popular belief, the main objective of an emo is NOT to kill themselves. The main objective of an emo is to come just close enough to killing themselves that people feel bad for them. Here it is plain and simple. YOUR DEPRESSION IS A PRODUCT OF YOUR LIFESTYLE, not the other way around. Change your life and you won't be depressed. But then what excuse would you have for being a 16 yead old male with a KD Lang hair cut and more makeup than a Geisha girl? I guess no excuse would be the answer to that question. Look. I understand people have serious real deal depression. I know that fact all too well. Emoes are a slap in the face to everyone who has ACTUALLY suffered from REAL depression. Here's a new cry-for-help strategy. Give it a shot...open your mouth and fucking cry for help. You are not depressed because you are tortured. You are not depressed. You are sad. You think you're sad because your boyfriend is slamming that girl who was your best friend yesterday and your bitter enemy last week. Really, you are sad because you spend all your time indoors indulging yourself in an intangible way of life. You see no real results from the way your spend your time so you cut yourself because the blood is real. The pain is real. Put down that exacto you lifted from art class and pick up a baseball bat. Or a violin. Or go jogging. Do something that doesn't involve myspace or MSN. People had it a hell of a lot worse 50 years ago and they were happier back then. Put shit in perspective. You have friends, you have a nice house, and you have every advantage at your finger tips. Your parents not letting you go to that party last weekend doesn't mean that they don't love you. They do love you and I'm sure a lot of other people love you too. Perspective. It's all about perspective. Don't kill yourself. Even if you ARE an emo...we'd rather you here than not here and that's the complete truth. Life is fucking the best thing there is. Better than PANIC! At The Disco. Better than lime green Chuck Taylors. Better than a burnt pop tart. Know it. Believe it. Remember it.


charlesb42 said...

My Chemical Romance

moonmystic said...

Life is so rotten when my brown roots show through my black dye-job. Life is just so meaningless. I'm so full of angst. And I'm so original because no one has ever dressed in THIS much black before.