Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Celebrity Baby Nostradamus

Ever since I was little and predicted young Drew Barrymore's descent into child acting alcoholism and drug abuse, I've known that I had a unique talent. I made a promise to a mysterious monk that I would never call upon those powers again. But fuck it, that douche has been living in my apartment for the past 4 years and hasn't offered up rent once. So, 20 years later, here I am trying to source those powers after all this time. I'll do my best...

The Kid: Apple Paltrow-Martin
The Parents: Gwenyth Paltrow and a poor man's Thom Yorke
Recipe For Disaster:
1 cup of Bad Acting
2 pinches of self righteousness
1 litre of "Yellllllooooooooowwwww"
Future Endeavors: Apple will snub her parents' encouragement to become a triple threat entertainment star (Acting, Singing, Alcoholism) and settle for a modest life of working in a supermarket produce section. When her trust fund money runs thin, she will turn to affixing the trademark symbol to her name and marketing the new iGiveUp touch screen suicide machine.
Cause of Eventual Death: Eaten by a health conscious cannibal.

The Kid: Zoie Laurel May Herpin
The Parents: Stephanie from Full House and Cody Herpin
Recipe For Disaster:
2 Tbsp of Sexually Ambiguous First Names
1 Pinch of Brief Child Stardom
3 Handfuls of Uncle Jessie
Future Endeavors: Zoie will deal with the ups and downs of living with father Cody's brother-in-law and best friend. She will get into quirky situations that always seem to resolve themselves by the end of each episode. The heart felt background music will eventually invade her dreams and consequently drive her mad. She will move out of the house at 18 to pursue a porno acting career. Ironically, the first movie she will star in will be a graphic gang bang film entitled: "Full House".
Cause of Eventual Death: A methamphetamine lab explosion causes her untimely death while simultaneously ruining the family business.

The Kid: Yet To Be Hilariously Named

The Parents: Jessica Simpson's less attractive sister and some emo guy from some emo band
Recipe For Disaster:
Equal Parts Angst, Anxiety, Anger, and Alliteration
Future Endeavors: By far the most stylish kid at school, this emo love child will be told repeatedly they look like their father regardless of what gender they turn out to be. They will be exposed while hosting Saturday Night Live to go down in history as the first person to ever be caught wrist-slit-synching.
Cause of Eventual Death: Is there really any doubt? Joe Simpson murder-suicide, obviously.

The Kid: Liam Aaron McDermott
The Parents: The annoying broad from 90210 and Dean McDermott, Canadian Actor
Recipe For Disaster:
3 Shakes of Silicone Polluted Breast Milk
1 Too Many "Uncles" Who Never Seem To Buy You Birthday Presents
3 Dashes of flat-out child neglect
Future Endeavors: Will realize at age four that he is more mature than his mother. By age nine, questions will arise about why all the other kids have "human mommies" and he has a "horse mommy". Will quit a childhood acting career to go to high school only to be faced with an adverse situation subsequently coming dangerously close to not graduating. Jason Priestly, still working on passing Grade 11 Gym, will rally the whole school behind his cause.
Cause of Eventual Death: Will break a leg in the big race leaving his trainers with no other choice but to shoot him in the face with a rifle.

The Kid: Nahla Ariela Aubry
The Parents: Halle Berry and some French-Canadian Super Model
Recipe For Disaster:
2 gorgeous helpings of juicy tit
4 cups of poutine
Countless nightmarish recalls of mom getting down with Billy Bob Thornton
Future Endeavors: Accepts $500,000 per breast from Gerber Foods Corp to appear topless in a baby food ad.
Cause of Eventual Death: After working his way back into Halle's life, David Justice demonstrates that he's "still got it" by knocking the kid's head RIGHT OUTTA THE (nearby neighbourhood) PARK!!!

The Kid: Marquez Anthony Caruso
The Parents
: David Caruso (you know...that fucker from CSI: Miami) and Liza Marquez
Recipe For Disaster
1 million strands of red hair
4 failed attempts at genuine acting
1 so-so looking mom
Future Endeavors
: At an early age, Marquez developes obsessive compulsive sunglasses disorder. Cannot start any day without a quick blast of the intro to "Won't Get Foooled Again" by The Who. Eventually goes on to star in CSI's 16th iteration: CSI: Robert Downy Junior's Apartment.
Cause of Eventual Death
: A mysterious murder where you think its gonna be the first guy they bring in, but then it turns out it isn't, but then in the end...IT ACTUALLY WAS!

Call all the babies you know and tell them to read my blog.

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