Thursday, May 22, 2008

Burning Terrorist has balls shattered by hero cab driver

Alright, here's the REAL story...

I was looking through my old laptop, which I no longer use, and found a photo that made me laugh. I had totally forgotten about it, and I think there was an actual real news story that went along with it. The thing is...I don't remember that news story. In lieu of the truth, I just went ahead and made up what I believe to be the story that goes along with this photo. The photo is a digital camera picture of the cover of a Scottish newspaper. The second photo inset in the article is just a portion of the original picture that I've blown up a bit bigger so that it's easier to see. Anyhow, enjoy...

SCOTLAND - A local cab driver is being touted as a hero after foiling the plans of a notorious terrorist group on Tuesday.

It seemed like just another morning of driving Scottish citizens to the bar when Nikolas "Nik the Kick" Titov found himself in an extraordinary situation. While picking up his next fare, Titov spotted a suspicious looking man dousing himself in kerosene outside of the headquarters of the Scottish Fire Department. Fortunately, the unnamed suspect couldn't locate his lighter and was forced to resort to matches, which gave Titov the time needed to get to him.

Just as the terrorist ignited himself in flames and began to run towards the building, he was met head on by Nikolas Titov. Wasting no time, the cab driver-turned-hero delivered a kick to the man's testicles so vicious that even female onlookers were clutching their crotches and wincing in pain. Luckily the initial shot was more than enough to incapacitate the "flamer" because the sheer impact of the ball blow snapped a tendon in Titov's foot; making a follow up effort near impossible. Authorities had already arrived on the scene by the time "Nik the Kick" had limped back to his taxi. One fireman, who had been drinking coffee all morning, quickly dulled the "manferno" with a hot stream of urine (picture below on right). The suspect was then taken to the hospital before jail, but his "berries" could not be saved.

It is believed that the burning terrorist's intended target was the Scottish Fire Department's recreational swimming pool. A rash of similar incidents has broken out in the past few weeks at swimming pools across Scotland. Authorities believe that Titov may have gone a long way in making an example of the terrorist to other members in the group. It is the hope of all Scottish citizens that these men will now think twice about lighting themselves ablaze and cannonballing into swimming pools.

Being modest, Nikolas Titov has refused all medals and certificates of merit for his heroics stating, "I was just happy I could shatter [a] man's testicles. The sound of two nuts crashing violently against each other is more reward than [any] medal could give me." Since the incident, job offers have been pouring in from organizations looking for a reliable foot for hire. Most notably, an NFL team, the Indianapolis Colts, has expressed interest in bringing him in as a place kicker noting, "Since [Mike] Vanderjagt, we've been looking for a kicker that prefers to kick dicks rather than be one." Titov has turned down all offers deciding to dedicate his time to going around local neighborhoods snuffing out flaming paper bags of dog shit with his "miracle foot".

Please tell all the burning terrorists to visit my site before nailing them in the junk.


k said...


Scottish people can't seem to get enough of kicking the hell out of terrorists... I remember there was a similar thwarting incident at Glasgow airport last year when some would-be terror smith drove a jeep into the side of a terminal and one guy having a cigarette ran over and rugby tackled him to the floor and held him till the police turned up!

great blog dude

Nick Tomlinson said...

I love that the damage he himself sustained while kicking someone's nuts is paraded as the measure of his heroism. It sets the bar for other Scots with anti-terrorist aspirations. The next guy will have to kick a terrorist's nuts so hard that his own pelvis collapses if he wants to get a mention in the prestigious 'Daily Record'

~Static~ said...

Ha ha ha! Oh shit man, that was brilliant. Nice work!

Btw, that was a REAL story.
You can read the original news story at the Independent UK: . Although it wasn't much different than yours. =)

I've added your site to my blogroll. Thanks for the laughs.

CPTWilly said...

I would like to propose a toast Scottish Anti-Terrorist Ball-Busters!

A great story. I can only assume that the terrorist had a bomb strapped to his nuts because terrorists, as a general rule, do not have the kind of nuts that will break a man's foot. Yet another indication of the great courage Nick showed in taking the crotch shot!

I like your work Sully. I am bookmarking you and I will give you a link on my blog:

Humor Hero said...

Thanks for the good feedback on my blog. I'll definitely be coming back to yours too. This story was hilarious (my favorite part being the comment about Mike Vanderjagt. That guy is indeed an enormous tool.)


More good stuff here...Zuckerburg probably should have sold facebook when he had the chance. I added you to my blog roll so keep the good stuff coming.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

You gotta love the Jockos.

Mental bastards.

Nick R Thomas said...

Sully, there are very few writers within the UK, let alone outside it, who can satirise our bizarre news as well as this!