Friday, May 23, 2008

5 Things That Won't Exist in 10 Years

Porno Video Stores

Once the technologically challenged old timers are too old (impotent) to jerk off, there will be no need for stores hocking Porno rentals. Fogies who are afraid of the "damned webnets" are the only thing keeping these relics above water. Porn is free and in abundance all over the internet. I mean, with the pop ups, I'm looking at porn even when I don't want to. While I'm furiously clicking boxes to get the heaps of titty off my screen, there's a 50 something browsing through the barely legal section of an adult store ready to drop $50 on a nice weekend alone. Also, remember when you watched that favorite part of your favorite porno so many times that the specific spot on the tape was worn and the screen would go sort of fuzzy when it got to it? Yeah, that doesn't happen on the internet. Peace out, creepy, grimy, sticky, smelly adult video stores.

Subway Drivers

Just barely graduating high school, over-paid wastes of my tax GPS. GPS is your enemy. GPS wants to do your job for a small one time fee. GPS likes it when you reject bargaining offers that would see you getting paid $62000 a year by 2010. GPS is a big fan of your sour attitude and all around ineptness. You better watch it or GPS is probably going to sleep with your wife too. Before you know it, your kids will be calling GPS "daddy". The dream is over, subway drivers. You know that dream where you didn't go to college and then fell ass backwards into a union job at which you put forth zero effort and still complained about it?'s over. Peace out stupid, surly, spoiled subway drivers.

America's Reign of Power over the World

Go go gadget China! They have more people who consume more. They aren't giant assholes...yet. They're cleaner, more efficient, and consider deadlock traffic to be an inconvenience not the 4th largest sport in their country. NASCAR sucks, by the way. America will be seeing red sooner than we think and although I probably haven't considered the damaging side effects that I, as a Canadian, will feel from such a shift in power; I'm still excited as fuck. Peace out ignorant, Big Mac smelling, gun carrying, sweaty Americans. (Not the Americans that read this blog though. When shit goes down, you can come and stay at my place.)

Barry Bonds

Steroids kill you quick. Yes, the long-term effects of steroids are largely unknown. An exhaustive 30 second google search turned up no evidence to the contrary, but you can look no further than the world of professional wrestling for all the proof you need. Stan Stasiak, Brian Pillman, Rick Rude, The British Bulldog, Hawk (Legion of Doom), Bad News Brown, and many others. All of them were overly muscular men who died of heart failure. Maybe I'm being presumptuous, or maybe steroid users die faster than that craze where all the kids had plastic baby soothers hung around their necks. I digress. Hank Aaron was absolutely pissed when you broke his home run record, but at least he can take comfort in knowing that he'll probably outlive you. Peace out pompous, drug abusing, over-the-top, cheating son of a bitch Barry Bonds.


Oh boo-fuckity-hoo. Face the facts, the endless applications are a sign of the demise of Facebook. It's becoming a task just to navigate somebody's page. Sadly, knowing that somebody's status is "excited for prom" is just about as useless as knowing how many zombies they've killed in that fucking zombie application. Facebook has abandoned hope and slid head first into desperation only to be tagged out by the next popular networking site to come along. Don't believe me? I'll leave you with one word: Friendster. What the fuck is Friendster? Exactly. Peace out everyone knowing everyone's business, confusing, intrusive, career destroying Facebook.

Try and make sure that my blog is still around in 10 years by telling everyone you know to read it.


steve said...

Porn shops: Good riddance bad rubbish

Subway Drivers: GPS ownes you

American loss of power: China is importing lead based paint and tainted food and my country is too dumb to sanction it. I am coming to visit you when the crap hits the fan.

Barry Bonds: Good thing he didn't get kicked in the shrunken nuts by a Scottish cab driver . . .

Facebook: I won't miss it.

See you in 10!

moonmystic said...

ROFLMAO- Love your blog. Adding it to mine.

Confessions of an Insomniac said...

Meet a dumb American! Thanks for checking out my blog :)

Humor Hero said...

I'm a big fan of any world that promotes the consumption of General Tso's Chicken. God Bless you China.

As an American who prefers hockey to all other sports can I ask, when is Canada going to field an NHL team that doesn't crumble under playoff scrutiny (a la every year's Ottawa Senators and this year's, Montreal Canadians)? Those Habs were pretty excited over their first round victory, aye? Lighting crap on fire and all. Stupid French.

Keli said...

I scan internet headlines for news, read intellectual-type periodicals to understand the freaking news and even force myself to hang at the local public golf course to hear what the man on the street has to say about it. No more. I can just come here to get it all and even find out what the future holds in store. Keep it up!

Myst_72 said...

Steroids - if they don't kill ya the non anabolic ones will just make you fat and your bones like chalk (just ask me I'll tell ya!)- fat or dead....tough choice at times - (kidding!)(REALLY!)...

Facebook - Crikeys you can't just get on for your turn at scrabble without being hit with plants/eggs/guardian angels and a gazillion "how...are you" (fill in the...blank with sexy/horny/hot/popular etc etc)quizzes - Sheesh!


damon said...

I gotta agree with your predictions. But what a sad day, when porn stores go.
...the thrill of acting like your going into the shop next door, the sticky floors in the peep booths, even trying to keep a straight face when the clerk explains that "Asian nut-suckers" has been back ordered, it's just not the same.

Thinkinfyou said...

Your blog is great. I love your sense of's refreshing to find someone who actually has one! I'll be back!!! :o)

Miss said...

Heaps of Titty is now my new favorite phrase.