Friday, April 17, 2009

Hey, it's news to someone...

Here's what's going on today...

Toronto Blue Jays are unstoppable

The most beloved perennial disappointment in my life for the past 15 years has been the Toronto Blue Jays baseball club. This year they've gotten off to a tremendous 8-3 start to the season. That record is good enough for second in all of the major leagues. So until the wheels come off their weak rotation and the bats inevitably fall flat, it's Let's Go Blue Jays. At least I'm not some retard Yankees fan. Observe...

Tori Spelling's tits are really deteriorating

Some would say that I've been harsh on this talentless, coat tail riding, ugly-as-sin, racehorse impersonator, but I say fuck that; let's take a look at her weird tits...

Ewwwwww! Look at that gap between those breasts. Where did she get her plastic surgery? At David Letterman's dentist? Aside from that gap, let's talk about why they look like two pool balls. If that's how boobs are supposed to be shaped, I have slept with some weird looking girls over the years.

John Madden retires from broadcasting to spend more time eating food

After an accomplished career in football play-by-play, John Madden has decided to now focus on consuming food on a full time basis.

"For me, the move was easy. Six out of seven nights you have a ham in the fridge and BOOM! there's also apple sauce," says a famished Madden while waiting in line at Dairy Queen, "then you got the pastas. Fettuccine, spaghetti, rigatoni some times I like to put some chicken wings on there and POW! two meatballs converge on my plate and try to sack my appetite but I've prepared for this, I had a big breakfast, the meatballs don't stand a chance and you have to know that Sara Lee cherry cheesecake is waiting on the sidelines just itching to get in but then..."

At that point, John was asked to stop speaking which was a relief to everyone including John Madden.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Observational Thinking: Americans

At the end of March, I was in Vegas for five nights and it was quite a wild time. All fun aside though guys; Americans have problems. They have problems that go way beyond a bad economy and a retarded war. Don’t get me wrong, those two things are very big problems, but I’m inclined to think it’s the little fundamental problems within American society itself that will be the eventual downfall of the country. The following is a compilation of some notes I took on Americans while I was there observing them in their natural habitat.

Observation #1: Americans cannot, for the life of them, handle escalators.

Problem: In the five days I was in Las Vegas, I witnessed two escalator-related accidents. It seems that if the terrorists were so inclined to disturb America, they would replace every staircase with an escalator and then it would just be a waiting game. I mean how can you watch a man, unconscious, slowly glide up an escalator laid out flat on his back and not see a weakness in the U.S.’ defenses.

Solution: Is situating a full buffet atop each American escalator enough incentive to get them to the top? As fate may have it, Solution #1 brings us to Observation #2…

Observation #2: Americans are fat disgusting pigs and they don’t care who knows it.

Problem: Well this one is obvious, but beating dead horses is a game I often play with myself. A friend and I went to 7-11 where we saw a donut rack, next to a hot dog bar, next to an eight-flavored Slushee machine, next to the soda fountain, next to an obese kid in a fat-roll-exposing sleeveless t-shirt whom no doubt just ran the gauntlet of gluttony provided right there in the store. I imagine that seconds before we entered, he was adding bits of krispy kreme donut to his cream soda slurpee and using a bacon cheeseburger hotdog to stir them in. Yes, America has Bacon Cheeseburger Hot Dogs.

Solution: Eat some fucking fruits and vegetables once in a while, America. Again as fate my have it, this solution ties right into the next observation. Eerie, right?

Observation #3: Americans are under the impression that lime flavoring is the cure for cancer.

Problem: Beginning with Bud Light Lime and ending with squeezed lime being forced into my burrito, it became increasingly clear that lime has become the hottest celebrity in America. Why though? That’s the goddamn question, America. I’ll admit that the beer was quite tasty and refreshing, but having it in my food, hair products, and drinking water is a bit much. I bet that if I had ordered a hooker to my room, her vagina would have come garnished with fresh lime wedges. (Let’s all be thankful I decided to go in another direction with my lime pictures.) Anyhow, for reasons beyond the realm of my imagination, lime is larger than life right now in the States.

Solution: Give lemons a shot, guys. With all the negative publicity concerning life giving people lemons and cars being lemons, I think it’s time that lemon gets a shot. Lemon is a hard working fruit, goddamn it, and if you’ve ever had a lemon meringue pie, you’d know it.

And now we'll end with a look into what real American Hero, Lime, has been doing lately...