Monday, May 4, 2009


I figure that with the shape the United States is in right now, it's only a matter of time before we lose one of the four major North American sports leagues. I'm not saying this will happen tomorrow, or even at all, but it's a risk. Now we all know that the NFL and MLB aren't going anywhere, so really it will probably be either the NBA or the NHL if it happens.

I hate the fucking NBA. Let me just get that out there from the get-go so there is no question of my bias against pro basketball. The first three quarters in an NBA basketball game do not matter in the least. It's like that bullshit show Family Feud where no matter how much ass a family is kicking, they still risk losing it all in the "Triple Round". An NBA 4th quarter is a cheap knock-off of Family Feud's "Triple Round."

Then there's the ridiculous pre-game ritual of everyone giving each other a ghetto hug. What. The. Fuck? Sports are about competition and wanting to win so bad that you would rip your opponent's brain out of their skull if you had the technology. Apparently this isn't the case in the NBA. Apparently in the NBA, everyone is good friends and they all play tag in the arena before the game.

I just realized that if I keep writing this rant I'm pretty much going to ruin the whole point of this post: An NBA/NHL comparison. If one of these leagues has to go, I believe the American people should consult this comparison before doing anything drastic. The point system is based on whatever the fuck I want and is as follows: The NBA is going to lose. If you are an NBA fan, go into this with no hope whatsoever...

1. Mullets VS Cornrows

The Mullet:

The Corn Row:


Both of these are retarded hair styles. One makes your head look like a 70's porn actor's bush and the other makes your head look like a heroin addict's forearm. I'm going to have to give this one to the mullet because you can roll out of bed, run your hands through it a couple of times, and you're good to go. With cornrows you need 4 hours of spare time and a loud, black aunt.

NHL +1

2. Extensive Padding VS. Sleeves on Only One Arm

NHL Shoulder Pads:

NBA Arm Sleeves:

Result: Can you even believe we have to do this? "This" being: Compare a sport like hockey to a "sport" like basketball? Hockey players go out on the ice decked head to toe in armor that would rival the baddest medieval knight, meanwhile basketball players shield themselves with...a sleeve...on one arm only. Jesus. Christ.

NHL +1

3. Missing Backcheck Support VS Missing Child Support Checks

Result: The cardinal sin for a forward in hockey is not hustling back to their zone on the backcheck. In basketball, the cardinal sin is paying out even a dime of support to your vast amounts of bastard children.

NHL +1

4. Bob Probert VS Latrell Sprewell

This is Bob Probert:

This is Latrell Sprewell:

Result: Bob Probert was arrested for cocaine possession and crashed his motorcycle while driving it drunk, both while still an active player in the NHL. In recent years he was also arrested for breach of peace, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer. On the ice he was just as dangerous. He fought NHL enforcer, Stu Grimson, 13 times. He once had a fight with Marty McSorley that lasted over 100 seconds. If you're saying, "that doesn't sound like a long time," I encourage you to go stand on a sheet of ice and throw haymakers at a speed bag for 100 seconds.

Latrell Sprewell was a notorious choker and that's saying nothing about his ability to perform in the clutch. It all began when he treated his coach, P.J. Carlesimo, like a $3 hooker choking him and shaking his body around violently. A couple years ago he was also charged with choking a 21-year-old female on his luxury yacht. Additionally, he was sued for $200 million in child support for four children. See? NBA Players don' take care of their little bastards, I told you man. Sprewell is now broke and contemplating a return to the NBA.

Both of these guys are bat shit fucking bananas. It's a tie.


5. Players That Look Like Old Lesbians VS Players That Look Like New Lesbians

Here's some NHL players that look like old lesbians...

Now here are some NBA players that look like new lesbians:

Result: In the game of lesbian doppelgangers, no one wins.


6. Puck Bunnies VS The WNBA

Here are some puck bunnies aka NHL groupies:

Here are some WNBA "women":

Result: First of all, I'm pretty sure that last one is Tracy Morgan in drag. Anyways, the puck bunnies win this one easily. The NBA has Eva Longoria. Big deal. The NHL has Hilary Duff, Elisha Cuthbert, and Rachel Hunter.

NHL +1

7. Sean Avery VS. Dennis Rodman

This is Sean Avery

This is Dennis Rodman (click for enlarged version):

Result: Sean Avery is The Pest. Dennis Rodman was The Worm. Tremendously flattering nicknames, I know. Avery is famous for getting in the faces of goaltenders, pissing off opponents, and ridiculing his peers publicly.

Dennis Rodman is famous for grabbing rebounds and being a general weirdo freak. He got married in a woman's wedding dress. He also has a ton of tattoos and piercings, and once wrestled in the WCW. Yes, that is Karl Malone in the ring with him in that picture.

Both of these men are utterly repulsive. Tie Again.


8. Penalties VS. Fouls

Here's what an NHL penalty looks like:

Now let's take a look at an NBA foul:

Result: One of these things looks like a massive wreck of carnage and blood and guts; the other one looks like what a 7th grader does to a 5th grader before he takes his lunch.

Look at the pain in Kobe's eyes while that other guy slaps his elbow. What a pussy. Now look at Martin Erat getting his face grated between a 200-pound man on skates and his own shoulder blade.

When NBA players get fouled, they have tears in their eyes. When NHL players are the victims of a penalty, they have blood in their eyes.

NHL +1

9. NHL Fights VS NBA "Fights"

Observe an NHL fight:

Okay now here's a link to an NBA fight because they are so rare I couldn't even find one to embed in this post:

See the NBA "Fight" HERE

Result: Yeah that NBA one is about as rough as it gets (Palace of Auburn Hills fiasco notwithstanding). That Pacers/Pistons brawl is an outlier, and it doesn't count since fans had to get in there and take matters into their own hands to see some fists fly. NBA fights are what I'd imagine two gymnastics teams mixing it up would be like. When your "sister" league is more violent than your own, you deserve negative points.

The NHL, on the other hand, is a ruthless bloodsport with no holds barred. It's badass enough to be sponsored by Jean Claude Van Damme. In the video above, Nick Kypreos has his career ended during the course of one single fight. I could go through the spectrum of violence in the NHL, but there's way too many things to link to. Just go explore on youtube.

NHL +1


NHL 6-0.

If it has to be one or the other, please make it the NHL. It is SOOOOOO much better.

If you need to waste more time today, I have updated the time wasting links on the right. Be warned though, right after I updated them, I called each one of your bosses and told them to keep an eye on you today.


Merton Sussex said...

Hockey is the only sport worth watching. Period. I've long contended this.

Sully with the win.

The Captain said...

Yes hockey wins hands down... but what about the cheerleaders Vs. The Ice girls?

blaine_fridley said...

solid arguments… but i love both sports equally. agreed with The Capt., though... you're not working with a level playing field when comparing smokin' hot breezer skeezers vs. wnba players. the same comparison could be made between a Laker Girl and well, there isn't a WNHL, but you get my drift. NBA cheerleaders and groupies are every bit as hot as NHL puckfucks.

Suzy said...

When MJ left the NBA, so did I. Don't hit me but I'm a Yankees fan and one of my favorite all time movies is Remember the Titans. I know nothing about hockey but it looks SCARY.

FreakSmack said...

Your right NBA sucks, I hate Hockey on T.V. but it won all the arguments. Well I think Sean Avery VS. Dennis Rodman was a draw cause they both look like douche bags.

GB, RN said...

I only watch college football. Sometimes. Other than that, I don't really care.

This post, OTOH, was hilarious.

Humor Hero said...

MLB fights are just as hilarious and NBA fights. I like how it's considered "sticking up for your teammates" when a pitcher throws at an opposing batter. The NHL equivalent is called "blocking a shot" and its every player's job.

~Static~ said...

LOL nicely done..although I think the mullet rules! and Sprewell had good reason to strangle those people.

leigh said...

hey sully! just wanted to let you know someone googled my blog using "sully sullivan in speedo pic." just thought you'ld want to know!

Steve Williams said...

I laughed so hard my family had to use a portable defibrullator to revive me.

Keep up the good blogging.