Thursday, February 12, 2009

Your Ridiculous News - February 2009 Edition

Yes I know it has been a while. The end of the fiscal year here at work has kept me extremely busy. I thought I would take some time today to bring you some (outdated) news from this month so far...

Beers, Buds, Superbowl...Porn?

“Officials at Comcast said about 30 seconds from Club Jenna, an adult cable
television channel, were shown on the local Super Bowl telecast. The company was
still working Sunday night to figure out how it happened… The porn cut into the
game with less than three minutes left to play, just after Arizona Cardinals
player Larry Fitzgerald scored on a touchdown pass from Kurt Warner to put the
team in the lead.

Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two. 'I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,' said Cora King of Marana. 'Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.'"

So it seems that people sitting down for the last few minutes of the Superbowl dreaming that there was more of that tasty halftime chili, instead got an extra helping of foot-long hotdog. Now this is relatively old news now, but I just had to comment on it. In this day and age of home land security, how does someone manage to interrupt the feed of the most watched annual event on television and edit in hardcore pornography? This would have never happened under the Bush administration.

Luckily this was only in the Arizona area but it really brings a question to mind: Is it possible that Jesus was sending a clear cut message to Arizona Cardinals Quarterback and annoying born again Christian, Kurt Warner? I’m not a religious person, but I would have to say, “Yes! Yes jesus is insulted by Kurt Warner’s incessant ramblings about Jesus and faith and faith in Jesus.” I know I’m terribly angered by it and I’m not even Jesus at all.

After losing Superbowl 43, Kurt Warner was informed of what had occurred immediately after he threw a touchdown pass to Larry Fitzgerald (Timing coincidence? Doubtful) and had this to say, “Being a devote Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason and if Baby Jesus wanted people to see fat swinging man-dick after my glorious Hail Mary-esque pass to Lare-Bear, then who am I to stand in the way of God’s work? The male form is beautiful…and right…and just…and Jesus created it. Hallelujah, praise the lord, porn penis on high for all!”

Jesus could not be reached for comment although it is widely accepted that the rain occurring later that night was a result of holy tears of laughter, and not sadness.

If you are at home or don't care about losing your job, here is the footage of what happened. It is not safe for work.

Not-So Christian Bale

Apparently actor Christian Bale of Batman fame takes his job very seriously. Listen to him berate a Director of Photography on the set of his upcoming film, "Terminator: I Cannot Believe They Are Still Making This Bullshit"...

(If the above audio didn't work, it can also be heard here)

Bravo, Christian Bale. That is the most emotion you have exhibited on-set in the history of your career.

There is nothing better than a horrible actor behaving like a diva on the set of a shitty movie. The man uses the term “professional” about ten times on the set of Terminator 4, for christ sakes. Let’s let that sink in for a second. Terminator. “Professional.” Part 4. Man, this is just like the time Eugene Levy slapped his dick off a set designer’s forehead for interrupting a key scene in “American Pie: Band Camp”; or that time when Anthony Michael Hall karate kicked a production assistant during the filming of “Weird Science”. Wait. No no, those things didn’t happen because those actors realized that 1) they were/are sub par at their very best, and 2) the movies they were working on were complete jokes.

At some point in his career, Christian Bale is going to realize that he is what Keanu Reeve’s retarded nephew would be if Keane Reeve’s retarded nephew existed and also couldn’t act. Once that reality sets in, maybe he’ll settle down a little, but until his ego bubble bursts, I warn all DPs, PAs, SDs, etc. to stay the fuck out of Christian Bale’s line of vision because he is under the impression that he is relevant. As I say, that moment will soon pass, and probably should have passed the day “Harsh Times” debuted in very very limited theatres, but until it actually does, lay low my friends, lay low.

As a bonus, here’s the brilliance that is Christian Bale in the incomparable “Harsh Times,” uttering what could possibly be the deepest, and most influential line in the history of planet earth… (if the below video doesn't work, it can also be seen here)

“That’s a lot of lettuce!”

Case rested my friends. That director of photography is probably a better actor than Bale.

Chris Brown: R&B Singer, Teen Hearthrob, Heavyweight Girlfriend Boxing Champion

So, tough guy R&B singer, Chris Brown went all Bobby Brown on his girlfriend, pop-star Rihanna, before the Grammy’s this past Sunday. Her alleged injuries are “a split lip, a bloody nose and bite marks on her hands.” Excuse me? Bite marks? Now there is no denying that Chris Brown looks and sounds like the sick love child of Alvin and Theodore from the chipmunks, but actually gnawing on his girlfriend like she was a plump acorn comes as somewhat of a surprise to me.

What is it with these R&B and Hip Hop stars going all nutty as soon as they get a little fame? We’ve got DMX running around high on crack torturing dogs and posing as a police officer; R. Kelly is using kids as a toilet; Eminem wrote a song detailing how he would hypothetically OJ Simpson his wife right in front of his daughter; the list goes on and on. Now, we have 19 year old Chris Brown getting into bite fights with Rihanna.

The motives are unclear at this point but people have been speculating on everything from a Rihanna jealousy fit to him contracting herpes from her. Regardless of what provoked this nasty turn of events, one thing is clear: The Grammy’s still sucked. Would the Grammy’s have sucked less or more with the Rihanna/Brown performance? I guess we’ll never know because Chris Brown ruined that for us…with his fists, and, if the lyrics to the hit single, “Forever” are at all accurate, probably his feet too.

Currently the singer is out on $50000 bail, but here’s to hoping he sees some jail time where he will be aggressively raped by everyone.