I haven't died...YET. I plan on never dying, to be totally honest.
Anyways, I will be posting a very good (half assed) comeback piece, just not yet. I want to tease you a little and see what happens.
While you're waiting, I'd like you to consider this...
What is wrong with Jennifer Aniston? She's super hot and she seems funny so what gives? Why did Brad Pitt leave her? Why did Vince Vaughan leave her? John Mayer? What is her disgusting secret defect? Can we come up with anything? Because I want to know in case she ever calls me up wanting to sleep with me.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I haven't died...YET. I plan on never dying, to be totally honest.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I figure that with the shape the United States is in right now, it's only a matter of time before we lose one of the four major North American sports leagues. I'm not saying this will happen tomorrow, or even at all, but it's a risk. Now we all know that the NFL and MLB aren't going anywhere, so really it will probably be either the NBA or the NHL if it happens.
I hate the fucking NBA. Let me just get that out there from the get-go so there is no question of my bias against pro basketball. The first three quarters in an NBA basketball game do not matter in the least. It's like that bullshit show Family Feud where no matter how much ass a family is kicking, they still risk losing it all in the "Triple Round". An NBA 4th quarter is a cheap knock-off of Family Feud's "Triple Round."
Then there's the ridiculous pre-game ritual of everyone giving each other a ghetto hug. What. The. Fuck? Sports are about competition and wanting to win so bad that you would rip your opponent's brain out of their skull if you had the technology. Apparently this isn't the case in the NBA. Apparently in the NBA, everyone is good friends and they all play tag in the arena before the game.
I just realized that if I keep writing this rant I'm pretty much going to ruin the whole point of this post: An NBA/NHL comparison. If one of these leagues has to go, I believe the American people should consult this comparison before doing anything drastic. The point system is based on whatever the fuck I want and is as follows: The NBA is going to lose. If you are an NBA fan, go into this with no hope whatsoever...
1. Mullets VS Cornrows
The Corn Row:
Both of these are retarded hair styles. One makes your head look like a 70's porn actor's bush and the other makes your head look like a heroin addict's forearm. I'm going to have to give this one to the mullet because you can roll out of bed, run your hands through it a couple of times, and you're good to go. With cornrows you need 4 hours of spare time and a loud, black aunt.
2. Extensive Padding VS. Sleeves on Only One Arm
NHL Shoulder Pads:
NBA Arm Sleeves:
Result: Can you even believe we have to do this? "This" being: Compare a sport like hockey to a "sport" like basketball? Hockey players go out on the ice decked head to toe in armor that would rival the baddest medieval knight, meanwhile basketball players shield themselves with...a sleeve...on one arm only. Jesus. Christ.
3. Missing Backcheck Support VS Missing Child Support Checks
Result: The cardinal sin for a forward in hockey is not hustling back to their zone on the backcheck. In basketball, the cardinal sin is paying out even a dime of support to your vast amounts of bastard children.
4. Bob Probert VS Latrell Sprewell
This is Bob Probert:
This is Latrell Sprewell:
Result: Bob Probert was arrested for cocaine possession and crashed his motorcycle while driving it drunk, both while still an active player in the NHL. In recent years he was also arrested for breach of peace, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer. On the ice he was just as dangerous. He fought NHL enforcer, Stu Grimson, 13 times. He once had a fight with Marty McSorley that lasted over 100 seconds. If you're saying, "that doesn't sound like a long time," I encourage you to go stand on a sheet of ice and throw haymakers at a speed bag for 100 seconds.
Latrell Sprewell was a notorious choker and that's saying nothing about his ability to perform in the clutch. It all began when he treated his coach, P.J. Carlesimo, like a $3 hooker choking him and shaking his body around violently. A couple years ago he was also charged with choking a 21-year-old female on his luxury yacht. Additionally, he was sued for $200 million in child support for four children. See? NBA Players don' take care of their little bastards, I told you man. Sprewell is now broke and contemplating a return to the NBA.
Both of these guys are bat shit fucking bananas. It's a tie.
5. Players That Look Like Old Lesbians VS Players That Look Like New Lesbians
Here's some NHL players that look like old lesbians...
Now here are some NBA players that look like new lesbians:
Result: In the game of lesbian doppelgangers, no one wins.
6. Puck Bunnies VS The WNBA
Here are some puck bunnies aka NHL groupies:
Here are some WNBA "women":
Result: First of all, I'm pretty sure that last one is Tracy Morgan in drag. Anyways, the puck bunnies win this one easily. The NBA has Eva Longoria. Big deal. The NHL has Hilary Duff, Elisha Cuthbert, and Rachel Hunter.
7. Sean Avery VS. Dennis Rodman
This is Sean Avery
This is Dennis Rodman (click for enlarged version):
Result: Sean Avery is The Pest. Dennis Rodman was The Worm. Tremendously flattering nicknames, I know. Avery is famous for getting in the faces of goaltenders, pissing off opponents, and ridiculing his peers publicly.
Dennis Rodman is famous for grabbing rebounds and being a general weirdo freak. He got married in a woman's wedding dress. He also has a ton of tattoos and piercings, and once wrestled in the WCW. Yes, that is Karl Malone in the ring with him in that picture.
Both of these men are utterly repulsive. Tie Again.
8. Penalties VS. Fouls
Here's what an NHL penalty looks like:
Now let's take a look at an NBA foul:
Result: One of these things looks like a massive wreck of carnage and blood and guts; the other one looks like what a 7th grader does to a 5th grader before he takes his lunch.
Look at the pain in Kobe's eyes while that other guy slaps his elbow. What a pussy. Now look at Martin Erat getting his face grated between a 200-pound man on skates and his own shoulder blade.
When NBA players get fouled, they have tears in their eyes. When NHL players are the victims of a penalty, they have blood in their eyes.
9. NHL Fights VS NBA "Fights"
Observe an NHL fight:
Okay now here's a link to an NBA fight because they are so rare I couldn't even find one to embed in this post:
See the NBA "Fight" HERE
Result: Yeah that NBA one is about as rough as it gets (Palace of Auburn Hills fiasco notwithstanding). That Pacers/Pistons brawl is an outlier, and it doesn't count since fans had to get in there and take matters into their own hands to see some fists fly. NBA fights are what I'd imagine two gymnastics teams mixing it up would be like. When your "sister" league is more violent than your own, you deserve negative points.
The NHL, on the other hand, is a ruthless bloodsport with no holds barred. It's badass enough to be sponsored by Jean Claude Van Damme. In the video above, Nick Kypreos has his career ended during the course of one single fight. I could go through the spectrum of violence in the NHL, but there's way too many things to link to. Just go explore on youtube.
If it has to be one or the other, please make it the NHL. It is SOOOOOO much better.
If you need to waste more time today, I have updated the time wasting links on the right. Be warned though, right after I updated them, I called each one of your bosses and told them to keep an eye on you today.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Here's what's going on today...
Toronto Blue Jays are unstoppable
The most beloved perennial disappointment in my life for the past 15 years has been the Toronto Blue Jays baseball club. This year they've gotten off to a tremendous 8-3 start to the season. That record is good enough for second in all of the major leagues. So until the wheels come off their weak rotation and the bats inevitably fall flat, it's Let's Go Blue Jays. At least I'm not some retard Yankees fan. Observe...
Tori Spelling's tits are really deteriorating
Some would say that I've been harsh on this talentless, coat tail riding, ugly-as-sin, racehorse impersonator, but I say fuck that; let's take a look at her weird tits...
Ewwwwww! Look at that gap between those breasts. Where did she get her plastic surgery? At David Letterman's dentist? Aside from that gap, let's talk about why they look like two pool balls. If that's how boobs are supposed to be shaped, I have slept with some weird looking girls over the years.
John Madden retires from broadcasting to spend more time eating food
After an accomplished career in football play-by-play, John Madden has decided to now focus on consuming food on a full time basis.
"For me, the move was easy. Six out of seven nights you have a ham in the fridge and BOOM! there's also apple sauce," says a famished Madden while waiting in line at Dairy Queen, "then you got the pastas. Fettuccine, spaghetti, rigatoni some times I like to put some chicken wings on there and POW! two meatballs converge on my plate and try to sack my appetite but I've prepared for this, I had a big breakfast, the meatballs don't stand a chance and you have to know that Sara Lee cherry cheesecake is waiting on the sidelines just itching to get in but then..."
At that point, John was asked to stop speaking which was a relief to everyone including John Madden.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
At the end of March, I was in Vegas for five nights and it was quite a wild time. All fun aside though guys; Americans have problems. They have problems that go way beyond a bad economy and a retarded war. Don’t get me wrong, those two things are very big problems, but I’m inclined to think it’s the little fundamental problems within American society itself that will be the eventual downfall of the country. The following is a compilation of some notes I took on Americans while I was there observing them in their natural habitat.
Observation #1: Americans cannot, for the life of them, handle escalators.
Problem: In the five days I was in Las Vegas, I witnessed two escalator-related accidents. It seems that if the terrorists were so inclined to disturb America, they would replace every staircase with an escalator and then it would just be a waiting game. I mean how can you watch a man, unconscious, slowly glide up an escalator laid out flat on his back and not see a weakness in the U.S.’ defenses.
Solution: Is situating a full buffet atop each American escalator enough incentive to get them to the top? As fate may have it, Solution #1 brings us to Observation #2…
Observation #2: Americans are fat disgusting pigs and they don’t care who knows it.
Problem: Well this one is obvious, but beating dead horses is a game I often play with myself. A friend and I went to 7-11 where we saw a donut rack, next to a hot dog bar, next to an eight-flavored Slushee machine, next to the soda fountain, next to an obese kid in a fat-roll-exposing sleeveless t-shirt whom no doubt just ran the gauntlet of gluttony provided right there in the store. I imagine that seconds before we entered, he was adding bits of krispy kreme donut to his cream soda slurpee and using a bacon cheeseburger hotdog to stir them in. Yes, America has Bacon Cheeseburger Hot Dogs.
Solution: Eat some fucking fruits and vegetables once in a while, America. Again as fate my have it, this solution ties right into the next observation. Eerie, right?
Observation #3: Americans are under the impression that lime flavoring is the cure for cancer.
Problem: Beginning with Bud Light Lime and ending with squeezed lime being forced into my burrito, it became increasingly clear that lime has become the hottest celebrity in America. Why though? That’s the goddamn question, America. I’ll admit that the beer was quite tasty and refreshing, but having it in my food, hair products, and drinking water is a bit much. I bet that if I had ordered a hooker to my room, her vagina would have come garnished with fresh lime wedges. (Let’s all be thankful I decided to go in another direction with my lime pictures.) Anyhow, for reasons beyond the realm of my imagination, lime is larger than life right now in the States.
Solution: Give lemons a shot, guys. With all the negative publicity concerning life giving people lemons and cars being lemons, I think it’s time that lemon gets a shot. Lemon is a hard working fruit, goddamn it, and if you’ve ever had a lemon meringue pie, you’d know it.
And now we'll end with a look into what real American Hero, Lime, has been doing lately...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Hey, yes I know it's been a while. Sorry.
Anyhow I have partnered up with Diary of Fools to put together a recurring segment on their site called "Ask a Canadian with Sully Sullivan." The first edition is up, and I can say, without an ounce of shame, that it is the funniest piece of comedy ever constructed.
The first article can be seen HERE.
Thanks for your patience with me guys. I promise I'll hit you with some heat as soon as I get back from Vegas.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Yes I know it has been a while. The end of the fiscal year here at work has kept me extremely busy. I thought I would take some time today to bring you some (outdated) news from this month so far...
Beers, Buds, Superbowl...Porn?
“Officials at Comcast said about 30 seconds from Club Jenna, an adult cable
television channel, were shown on the local Super Bowl telecast. The company was
still working Sunday night to figure out how it happened… The porn cut into the
game with less than three minutes left to play, just after Arizona Cardinals
player Larry Fitzgerald scored on a touchdown pass from Kurt Warner to put the
team in the lead.
Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two. 'I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,' said Cora King of Marana. 'Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.'"
Luckily this was only in the Arizona area but it really brings a question to mind: Is it possible that Jesus was sending a clear cut message to Arizona Cardinals Quarterback and annoying born again Christian, Kurt Warner? I’m not a religious person, but I would have to say, “Yes! Yes jesus is insulted by Kurt Warner’s incessant ramblings about Jesus and faith and faith in Jesus.” I know I’m terribly angered by it and I’m not even Jesus at all.
After losing Superbowl 43, Kurt Warner was informed of what had occurred immediately after he threw a touchdown pass to Larry Fitzgerald (Timing coincidence? Doubtful) and had this to say, “Being a devote Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason and if Baby Jesus wanted people to see fat swinging man-dick after my glorious Hail Mary-esque pass to Lare-Bear, then who am I to stand in the way of God’s work? The male form is beautiful…and right…and just…and Jesus created it. Hallelujah, praise the lord, porn penis on high for all!”
Jesus could not be reached for comment although it is widely accepted that the rain occurring later that night was a result of holy tears of laughter, and not sadness.
If you are at home or don't care about losing your job, here is the footage of what happened. It is not safe for work.
Not-So Christian Bale
Apparently actor Christian Bale of Batman fame takes his job very seriously. Listen to him berate a Director of Photography on the set of his upcoming film, "Terminator: I Cannot Believe They Are Still Making This Bullshit"...
(If the above audio didn't work, it can also be heard here)
Bravo, Christian Bale. That is the most emotion you have exhibited on-set in the history of your career.
There is nothing better than a horrible actor behaving like a diva on the set of a shitty movie. The man uses the term “professional” about ten times on the set of Terminator 4, for christ sakes. Let’s let that sink in for a second. Terminator. “Professional.” Part 4. Man, this is just like the time Eugene Levy slapped his dick off a set designer’s forehead for interrupting a key scene in “American Pie: Band Camp”; or that time when Anthony Michael Hall karate kicked a production assistant during the filming of “Weird Science”. Wait. No no, those things didn’t happen because those actors realized that 1) they were/are sub par at their very best, and 2) the movies they were working on were complete jokes.
At some point in his career, Christian Bale is going to realize that he is what Keanu Reeve’s retarded nephew would be if Keane Reeve’s retarded nephew existed and also couldn’t act. Once that reality sets in, maybe he’ll settle down a little, but until his ego bubble bursts, I warn all DPs, PAs, SDs, etc. to stay the fuck out of Christian Bale’s line of vision because he is under the impression that he is relevant. As I say, that moment will soon pass, and probably should have passed the day “Harsh Times” debuted in very very limited theatres, but until it actually does, lay low my friends, lay low.
As a bonus, here’s the brilliance that is Christian Bale in the incomparable “Harsh Times,” uttering what could possibly be the deepest, and most influential line in the history of planet earth… (if the below video doesn't work, it can also be seen here)
“That’s a lot of lettuce!”
Case rested my friends. That director of photography is probably a better actor than Bale.
Chris Brown: R&B Singer, Teen Hearthrob, Heavyweight Girlfriend Boxing Champion
So, tough guy R&B singer, Chris Brown went all Bobby Brown on his girlfriend, pop-star Rihanna, before the Grammy’s this past Sunday. Her alleged injuries are “a split lip, a bloody nose and bite marks on her hands.” Excuse me? Bite marks? Now there is no denying that Chris Brown looks and sounds like the sick love child of Alvin and Theodore from the chipmunks, but actually gnawing on his girlfriend like she was a plump acorn comes as somewhat of a surprise to me.
What is it with these R&B and Hip Hop stars going all nutty as soon as they get a little fame? We’ve got DMX running around high on crack torturing dogs and posing as a police officer; R. Kelly is using kids as a toilet; Eminem wrote a song detailing how he would hypothetically OJ Simpson his wife right in front of his daughter; the list goes on and on. Now, we have 19 year old Chris Brown getting into bite fights with Rihanna.
The motives are unclear at this point but people have been speculating on everything from a Rihanna jealousy fit to him contracting herpes from her. Regardless of what provoked this nasty turn of events, one thing is clear: The Grammy’s still sucked. Would the Grammy’s have sucked less or more with the Rihanna/Brown performance? I guess we’ll never know because Chris Brown ruined that for us…with his fists, and, if the lyrics to the hit single, “Forever” are at all accurate, probably his feet too.