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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Look I'm Not Even Sorry.

If you've come here today for an apology, you can just get the hell out of my face because you're not getting one.

I've been away for a LONG time and I know this. So long, in fact, that I forget what most of you look like. That probably isn't a bad thing. Anyhow, as I have already stated, there will be no apologies so we'll all have to settle for an explanation. It's simple, really. My job is making me busier than I have ever been before. I used to take advantage of my "slow days" and post on here while I was on the clock. That is a luxury I can no longer afford, my friends and enemies.

I will be posting from time to time and I also have an idea for a new blog (more on that at a later date, ie. probably never).

I figure that since I'm here I'll ask for some ideas again. The situation will be similar (re: exactly the same) to this post. So send them along because you are much much more creative than I am. I'll do my best to accommodate every idea.

Also, I have some interesting news. I really like using CAPS lock in instant messaging and e-mails. It really drives the point home. Observe.

IMAGINE ME SAYING THIS WHILE WEARING SOUND RETARDANT EARMUFFS BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A JET AIRPLANE TALKING OVER THE ENGINE NOISE. Didn't that message seem dire?

IMAGINE ME SAYING THIS WHILE I OPERATE A JACKHAMMER IN THE MIDDLE OF MANHATTEN RUSH HOUR AND A BUS IS GOING BY. That one seemed more like I was rushing to say it. CAPS lock is so versatile.

IMAGINE ME SAYING THIS WHILE HAVING MY TEETH DRILLED AND THE DOCTOR CAN ONLY WORK EFFICIENTLY IF VAN HALEN IS CRANKED AND ALL THE HYGIENISTS ARE SINGING BACK UP. I don't even know what that one is, but notice that when using CAPS lock, punctuation is unnecessary and run on sentences are encouraged.

One more? Alright fine.

IMAGINE ME SAYING THIS TO YOU WHILE YOU LISTEN TO KANYE WEST ON YOUR IPOD FULL BLAST WITH BOTH EAR BUDS IN YOUR EARS ON A BUSY SAN FRANSISCO STREET CAR WHILE TWO HOMOSEXUAL MEN COMMENT ON THEIR EXPLOITS THE NIGHT BEFORE AND THEY HAPPEN TO BE SITTING DIRECTLY IN BETWEEN US.

CAPS lock.

Brilliant.

ALSO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR A GUEST POST FROM A WRITER MUCH BETTER THAN ME. HE'S SO GOOD HE ALMOST GETS PAID FOR IT! OKAY NOW IMAGINE ME SAYING THIS WHILE I'M FALLING 3000 FEET IN AN EERILY EMPTY CANYON AND SOMEHOW THE ECHOES OF MY SCREAMS ARE LOUDER THAN MY SPEECH AND ALSO A HELICOPTER IS EXPLODING NEARBY