"Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher was attacked by an audience member during the band’s set at the Virgin Festival in Toronto. As evidenced by the above video, the unnamed assailant appears from stage right and pushes Noel into his monitor while the band played 'Morning Glory.' The man then attempts to confront singer Liam Gallagher before being promptly restrained by security (who also had to restrain Liam from punching the assailant). The band followed the attack with a short break before returning to the stage to resume their set. The unnamed attacker was later charged with assault."
-Rolling Stone Website (Video Courtesy of Youtube.com)
I'll start by saying that the attacker's name is also my uncle's name. That's not really relevant in any way, but when it's 8 am and you're on your way to work...for almost a second you truly believe that your uncle attacked Oasis. In that brief moment, you're more alive than you've ever been.
Anyhow, this is brilliant in so many ways. I've always liked Oasis as musicians, but as human beings, it doesn't get much more annoying than two melodramatic brothers who can't seem to get along regardless of how much money hinges upon their unity.
It all went down in my hometown. The hero in our story decided that he'd heard "What's The Story (Morning Glory)" one too many times and that song names with bracketed items in them are very very stupid. Succumbing to the anger brewing deep inside his belly, he rushed the stage. Once on the stage, he violently tackled both brothers simultaneously (KILLER COMBO!!!), and was promptly arrested (OH NO! GAME OVER!!!). Apparently Noel's rib was fractured in the exchange, but he was probably going to have that removed anyway.
Obama VS Palin: Who's liberal-er?
"Sen. John McCain has wiped away many of Sen. Barack Obama's pre-convention advantages, and the race for the White House is now basically deadlocked at 47 percent for Obama and 46 percent for McCain among registered voters, according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll. The presidential contest is also about even among those who are the most likely to vote in November: 49 percent for McCain, 47 percent for Obama."
Well it wasn't really supposed to happen this way. The plan was that people would get all jollied up with the false hope of a democrat being back in the oval office and then the gun toting, red blooded Americans with obese children that comprise most of America would crush said jollies by electing McCain by a narrow margin.
Well FUCK THAT. Cat's outta the bag apparently. Barack "Mortal Kombat 3" Obama is already falling behind in the polls. You just have to love the republicans for saying, "Oh you have a black guy? Well CHECK THIS OUT...an Alaskan MILF hockey-mom with a pregnant teen daughter and a down syndrome son. BOOMSHAKALAKA...Bank it, motherfuckers."
And the American public has. End of story. At least B-rack (not to be confused with your girlfriend's chest) can now look forward to not being assassinated.
Tom Brady Goes Down
On Giselle Bundchen then goes out and fucks up his knee while playing football
"Brady, the 2007 NFL Most Valuable Player, will miss the rest of the season because of a left knee injury that needs surgery, the Patriots said Monday...Brady’s knee collapsed under him when he was hit by safety Bernard Pollard in a 17-10 victory over the Chiefs."
-Kansas City Star
If, while I was counting the money that I earned betting against the Patriots in the Superbowl last year, you had said, "Man, something even more hilarious and tragic will happen to Tom Brady next season..." I would have replied with bright eyes, "What? Is Giselle Bundchen gonna turn out to be a guy?"
Although that probably would have been funnier, this is still pretty damn delicious in my books. It appears that Tom Brady has blown a hammy or torn an MCL or (fingers crossed) had his leg snapped off at the hands of Bernard Pollard, who I will now be referring to as "Football Jesus the Magnificent One". Ah well, the injury comes at a good time for Brady who has been looking to focus on modelling underwear and stalking red carpets at celebrity events like a hungry puma. He has also announced plans to work at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless...out of his chin dimple. Meanwhile, Matt Cassel (pictured below) has already bricked in his pants just thinking about the pressure he's about to feel for the next 15 weeks.
I have a friend who owns a Tom Brady jersey and wears it every Sunday. I wonder if they sell Tom Brady knee braces.
In a new addition to my (sort of) recurring "Ridiculous News" feature, I will be answering REAL love advice questions from a free local newspaper here in Toronto called 24 Hours. (Yes, it is based on the hit television series by habitual drunken Canadian, Kiefer Sutherland.) Anyhow, here's today's question...
"In the past, I have entered into relationships that in some way seemed to compromise what I really wanted in a partner. I had the belief that if you can learn to love someone, it will be fine.
After two unsuccessful marriages and a recent failed relationship, I came to the conclusion that I won't be one of the lucky ones to find that one special person we all seem to want. Am I right?"
In a nut shell: yes you are right. You're extremely desperate. That much is clear. What isn't clear is who exactly you're looking for. Batman? Is it the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials? Perhaps you would like to marry The Fonz? (not present day Henry Winkler...gross)
What you need to do is settle. First of all, you're asking love advice from a psychic...who writes for a free newspaper...that people use as napkins on the subway. That's not good. That simple fact alone would lead me to believe that you are far too inept to ever be loved by anyone. Second, there is no second. You're just not good enough.
My honest advice: If you are, in fact, so tired of all this, maybe you should just fall asleep...forever. Catch my drift?