Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Mike Tyson Mansion: A Look Back

Recently, pictures of Mike Tyson's mansion surfaced on the internet. Normally, I would pass on such a beaten topic as Mike Tyson, but since no one ever got much of a glimpse into his home I figured this would at least be relatively fresh.

Now, some of the things I say in this entry are going to be both extremely offensive and most likely in poor taste, but only to Mike Tyson. Really, who gives a shit about Mike Tyson's feelings? He's the total embodiment of the immature reckless athlete with absolutely no brains and way too much brawn persona that haunted our gym change rooms in high school. Well actually, Mike goes way beyond that. Either way, if you have some sort of soft spot for Iron Mike or you happen to be at the welfare office and he's standing directly behind you right now, just click the back button on your browser, because this will probably get ugly.

Although his trials and tribulations have been well documented, let's take a brief run down of possibly the most disgusting man to have ever been born...

-squandered over $300 million dollars in career earnings
-arrested 38 times by the age of 13
-his video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", was extremely frustrating and nearly impossible to beat
-convicted of the rape of a beauty pageant contestant in 1992
-lost a rematch against Evander Holyfield due to the routine and commonplace ruling of disqualification by ear biting
-went to jail again in 1999 on charges stemming from a road rage incident in which he kicked a man in the nuts and punched a 62 year-old
-the tattoo on his face is stupid
-in 2006 he came dangerously close to crashing into a police SUV and was subsequently arrested on DUI charges
-he talks like a 6 year old boy who just smacked his nuts off a frozen lamp post

So please don't come crying to me when I crack extremely mean jokes about his obese sister or manic depression because he deserves every last bit of it. Now on to the tour of the Tyson Mansion (photos courtesy of illicitohio.com)...

First Stop...The Den


I imagine this is the room that he committed the bulk of his rapes in. It looks like something a pimp sneezed. You remember those trashy people in the neighborhood who often wore track pants and no socks? I think Mike Tyson had the same table as them. The design on said table was probably the inspiration for that ridiculous face tattoo.

Next stop...The Entertainment Room


This room boasted BOTH zebra AND tiger print rugs, which is probably the classiest thing since framed optical illusion prints started invading people's front hallways. Also exuding high amounts of class was the capsized canoe roof. The excessive space in this room really deepened the sound of abusive language and outrageous proclamations. Half pictured on the right side of the photo is a fully functional sundae bar, but we'll get to that later.


Now we move to...The Pool

Believe it or not, the pool has actually become cleaner since Mike abandoned this house. The hand rails on the diving board, along with latex water wings and a 24 hour team of prostitutes lifeguards, supplemented Tyson's strict code of safety conduct when raping women around the pool. Also, his wide variety of bastard children frequently enjoyed this part of the house.

And now...The Main Foyer


Many unsuspecting women have made the ascent up those stairs to Mike Tyson's bedroom and let’s just say none of them were gleefully sliding down those gold banisters the next morning; although specially formulated KY Jelly was afforded to any who may have chosen to do so. The archway led to a huge private theatre that boasted a vast library of 1 movie: The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride; which played around the clock without cessation...

And Noooooooooooooooooooow....Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....MAIN EVENT
The Sundae Bar



Yes, Mike Tyson had his very own Sundae Bar where guests could choose between the flavors: bankruptcy berry blast, heavenly hash pipe, or rocky road rage. A ton of different sundae dressings were also available. Sundae bar patrons could dazzle their ice cream with things like sprinkles, cherries, ear lobes, peanut crumble, shredded $100 bills, chocolate sauce, crystal meth, caramel squares, m & m's, and jail time. Retrospectively, most friends of Tyson cite the Sundae Bar as the sole reason they were friends with him.

The hotlinks have been updated on the right. Enjoy wasting your time and, subsequently, getting for in trouble for it...SUCKERS.

Oh and hey, tell your ear biting rapist criminal friends about my blog please.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Toodles Google AdSense

I'd like to say I was the bigger man. I'd like to say that I sat up one morning and kicked "the man" in the shins and got on the horn to Google AdSense and said, "I'm not being a whore anymore. Go masturbate yourselves."

It didn't quite work that way. Truth be told, they dumped me. However, I'm here to say on this fine Tuesday morning that I really don't give a care. I bashed Hollister and they put Hollister ads on my site. I tore a strip off of Subway and the very next morning Google AdSense was asking my readers if they were interested in a "Fresh Subway Sandwich".

Aside from making me look like a jackass with their inept trolling software, they also put some plain weird crap on here. "Child Birth Videos" comes to mind immediately. I guess this was a product of my "Celebrity Baby Nostradamus" article or maybe I had tagged something with "creepy" or "more disgusting than anal grandpa intercourse", but honestly I don't remember doing that. For all you baby pervs out there, you're going to have to look elsewhere to fulfill your disgusting child birth video needs because I will no longer be satiating them.

Here's what they told me...

"...we found that your AdSense account has posed a significant risk to our AdWords advertisers. Since keeping your account in our publisher network may financially damage our advertisers in the future, we've decided to disable your account." (Aside: I'm getting this printed on a t-shirt so the ladies know how badass I am. Nothing is sexier than being a 'significant internet risk')

The above basically means..."We are retarded. Although we are a subsidiary of a multi-billion dollar online company, we haven't bothered to design trolling software (the application that searches the tags on a site and assigns appropriate ads to the AdSense spaces) sophisticated enough to determine whether the tags are associated with negative content. We offer our apologies...to ourselves for being dumber than a sack of toilet seats."

Ah well. Between me and you, I wasn't making very much money off of those ads anyways and I'll admit that it was a little shitty of me to put ads on my blog. Lesson learned. From here on out, I'll just sit back with a refreshing Diet Pepsi and bang out ad-free blogs on my efficient and affordable Dell computer with the clean conscience of knowing that my Dodge Charger Blog of the Week is free of any ads. I thank you for staying with me through these ridiculous times of unnecessary advertising and also, next tax season...think of H&R Block.

Nike.

I had a feeling you may need to waste some time today so I updated the Web Links section on the right. Enjoy...

Friday, July 18, 2008

Helpful Suggestions Humoured

Alright so the post before this one was an explanation of my brief hiatus. I asked readers to give me suggestions on my next blog and I got some responses. Here are the answers to them. The questions can be found in the "comments" link on the post before this one. I chose not to post the questions in this blog because it would have made it that much longer than it already is and I don't want to discourage my lazier readers with a massive post. Enjoy...

For Kori:
-So some old broad has been widowed 5 times and police are now finally suspecting foul play. Apparently American cops aren't what they are portrayed as on the television. When a woman is widowed five times across four states, she's either a cold blooded murder machine or a member of the circus. Someone call up Dennis Franz. Something tells me his calendar is wide open.

- So two GIGANTIC plus-sized morons were coming back from a baseball game and decided to stand up on the top level of a double-decker bus speeding through the Washington D.C. area. Now I know what you're thinking and no...this is not the premise for Speed 3, I already did that one. Reporters are now challenging the safety of these buses, while other, smarter people are challenging the safety of letting reporters report on things.

- So Kori, you dislike Fox News headlines? Here's one for you: "Fox News Headline Writer Out of Ink and Forehead Space, Confused."

For Alice:


I did my best. It's all I could rustle up on short notice. He's a dandy, though, isn't he?


For Catscratch:
1. What's your favorite drink?
-Non-Alcoholic: Dad's brand Root Beer, Alcoholic: Beer
2. What do you do to amuse yourself?
- see #5
3. What kind of blog is your favorite kind of blog?
- anything with that Sully Sullivan guy...he's HILARIOUS. Seriously, comedy blogs of course.
4. Favorite popcicle flavor?
- banana's pretty good, I'm more of a freezie guy than a popsicle guy
5. Favorite sexual position?
- with a girl
6. How's that for across the board?
- pretty far across it, yeah



For Bee:
Geek culture is a topic that I have extensive knowledge of. I work in I.T. and I live with a "gamer". They call themselves "gamers" because it makes them sound like an athlete when in reality, their reluctance to move from the couch prevents them from even getting athlete's foot. I'm unsure of their laughs because each is different. Urkel had a good nerd laugh I guess.

For Thinking F You:
Lifted right from one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our...no, ALL generations: Anchorman. "Yes I have names for my testicles. The left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater."

I've never named my penis, nor will I ever. People who name their penises drive muscle cars and get fake tans and say "bro", "brah", and "brosef". They wear fanny packs when the situation doesn't warrant it and they walk like they're made out of stale play-doh. They also have small penises.

For Michelle Ann:
Bobby Brown running a B & B? Does that stand for Barbiturates & (wife) Beatings? The other two I've never even heard of. Well I guess I may have heard of Carnie Wilson. I can identify her as a singer and maybe the daughter of a singer who was far more talented than her. She was probably a star in 1984, which is the year I was born in. Either way, reality television is getting more desperate than the faded quasi-celebs that star in it. I was once forced to watch the Gene Simmons one. It was almost as embarrassing as his sex tape. The floozy in it won't even kiss him in spite of his repeated attempts at doing so.

For Confessions of an Insomniac:
Overhead on the set of a mosquito porno...

- "Not enough blood! You call that a money shot?"
- "C'mon you pussy, sting the shit out of her!"
- "This swarm bang is missing a certain something...oh I got it: deer flies!!!"
- "If it's irritated and itchy, that's a good thing!"

Meg:
That depends on what you're looking for...here are some ideas...

Day Stuff: art gallery of Ontario, royal Ontario museum, CN tower, blue jays game, Ontario place
Restaurants: Montana, Jump, spring roll (pretty cheap Thai)
Bar/Club: Montana Second Floor, Reilly's, Loose Moose

There's a ton more, just some ideas. Toronto.ca has directories I believe

For CPTWilly:
I'm terribly sorry but international celebrities are insignificant to me (because I know nothing about them). Instead enjoy these funny Celebrity name facts...

-Nicolas Cage's real last name isn't Cage. He decided to change his name and chose comic book character, Luke Cage's name. This explains a lot about why he's Hollywood's most overrated actor and couldn't steal the show at a grade school Christmas pageant.

- Oprah's name was supposed to be named after some bible crap called Orpah, but the nurse who was involved in the delivery misspelled it and she became Oprah forever. And just look at her now...

- Eric Clapton went against the grain by actually extending his name from Eric Clapp. Nice moves, my friend. These days Eric Clapp would be the equivalent of being Steve Syphilis or Donny HPV.

For VE:
"How could we have been so stupid?" asked Marvin amidst a pit filled with the limp lifeless bodies of his countrymen.

"Believing all along" he murmured, "that sea urchins could not survive without water; could not talk; could not walk right over to me and strike my shin with a blow so hard that I would be a peg for the rest of my numbered days."

Talking to only himself, as the last man left standing on the face of a planet torn apart by raging fires and toppled buildings, Marv knew that no words could reverse his grim watery fortunes. Spiny spikes protruded everything leaving the scene mirroring a bad 80's horror movie more than the reality that the world had become.

"My mom, my dad, my freeloader uncle. No one was too precious for the urchins to spare, and now I stand here, the last man on this..." Before he could finish, Earth's omega man is impaled by a four foot urchin spine bearing the Sea Urchin flag at its end.

As the assassin sped by in his dust buggy, a yell, "Douchebag..." could be heard as he roared into the distance laughing like the villain that he, and all his prickly friends, had become.

For Rich:
Last summer me and three buddies drove for almost 9 hours down to Manhatten to stay for the weekend with my friend who is currently attending Columbia Law School. This picture was taken on the Saturday afternoon. We had scored tickets via ebay to see our beloved Blue Jays play the Yankees in the second last season they were playing at Yankee stadium. Upon arriving in NYC on Friday evening, I was unaware that the bars were open till 4 am and the drinks were far cheaper than any bar in Toronto. The avatar captures just how hung over I was and if you squint real hard, you can see me squinting real hard in order to hide my crimson eyes. The thing on my head is a Blue Jays hat turned backwards. My bandana days are long past me. Yes, I have a goatee and yes those are aviators on my head. The original picture contained my three friends, but they have chosen to remain anonymous to my bloggers due to the severity of their hang-overs in the picture. To give you an illustration of the night previous, picture two grown men wrestling each other in a busy Manhatten street while cabs honked impatiently. I will say that I was not one of those two wrestlers, but two of my friends cannot be afforded the same luxury.

I'll keep adding to this as people pose more questions in response to my previous post. As always, tel your friends.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Little Transition

Hey guys, it's been a little while since I made a new post and as great as that Uncle article was, I'm sure you're all hungry for more.

This past Monday I started a new job and things have been rather busy and new. I will be coming back sometime later this upcoming week with an all new post, although I may be too busy to think of something to write about.

Here's what I propose...in the comments, let me know what you want me to write about. I'm open to anything. Crazy, zany, wacky, terribly terribly tragic and sad...anything. Except maybe the tragic and sad idea. Just scratch that. Anyhow, let me have it. You are all very creative. Each one of your mothers called me this morning and told me so.

Come on, I know you can do it. COME ON.

See you soon.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Presenting...Your Uncles: The Official Poll Results

Alcoholic Uncle

Bio: This man is a staple in most families. He can come in many forms ranging from "not a chronic drinker but gets really hammered at family functions" to "is drunk before most people are awake" or even "doesn't like booze, but coke and heroin are real good". The end result, however, is always the same. Embarassment, shame, and humiliation...for the family. The alcholic uncle couldn't give less of a shit because he's piss drunk. This uncle single handedly kept you in the cool crowd at school by providing you with an endless supply of great anecdotes, and as you got older...booze. Lots of booze, and depending on if you caught him after 11 am, he'd be so drunk that he'd probably pay for it, too.

Quotes: "What? This is my third beer...honestly."
"What? No, I'm not drunk, I always drop deuces on the front lawn."
"Yes your honor, it will never happen again."

Survey Says?
This world has A TON of alcoholics apparently. This uncle dominated the poll from day 1 until the end. An amazing 64% of the people that voted admitted to having an alcoholic uncle. Imagine if we counted the ones whose dad was the alcoholic uncle?

Uncle Named Bob

Bio: Bob is just a regular guy. He goes to work, he comes home and maybe mows the lawn. If it's Tuesday, and he bowled a good game, he may get a little frisky with The Missus. At family functions, he's always the one who never says shit, except for one or two lame jokes that are neither sexist, racist, nor rude and therefore not funny in the least. Your grandfather probably makes fun of Uncle Bob, and on more than one occasion, Alcoholic Uncle has threatened to punch him in the eye. Bob, being the responsible man that he is, will politely excuse himself to go have a good cry in his Chevy Malibu rather than satisfy Alcoholic Uncle's unquenchable thirst for fist fights.

Quotes: "Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!"
"I have no idea what you're implying about my loafers, grandpa."
"Look Glenn, we've been through this. Yes, I'm (air quotes) 'effing' your sister...we've been married for 13 years, go have another Tom Collins, I'll be in the car."

Survey Says?
When making the poll, I just had an inkling that a lot of people had Uncle Bobs, and I was right on the money. Coming in at #2 in the poll, there were a few days where Uncle Bob was neck and neck with Alcoholic Uncle, which is one hell of a feat. In the end, the lamest uncle on the list had a 43% share of the votes.

Makes Kids Hyper Then Leaves Uncle

Bio: Candy, video games, barbies, porno magazines: This uncle knows exactly how to charm a niece or nephew. He is most likely rich or acts like it. His self esteem is low enough that the adoration of a 6 year old is a top priority when visiting his brother/sister. Doing whatever it takes to win the affection of a kid requires a few risks, but not for this wiley uncle. He stays just long enough for the shit to be lofted into the air, but is long gone before it actually hits the fan. While little Tommy is rewiring the LCD flatscreen with a hammer, Hyper Uncle is already halfway to the Bingo hall to pick up his latest flavor of the week.

Quotes: "All the store had was sugar free gum...so I went to another one."
"Finish all your popsicles before you even think of touching that chocolate fondue."
"Hey Sis, Tommy's riding the cat around the backyard, you should check on him, but listen I gotta run..."

Survey Says?
Ranking in at a healthy 3rd place in the poll, this uncle is still very much alive; both in our hearts and in candy stores worldwide. A whopping 39% of the people that voted on the poll admitted to having an uncle that jacked them full of sugar and excitement then split faster than a celebrity couple.

Freeloader Uncle

Bio: This is the uncle that you always hear your parents talking about after they think you've gone to bed. He's a menace, but not in the obvious ways that uncles like the alcoholic uncle and the hyper uncle are. You may not know it, but the 3 gs your dad "lent" your uncle 4 years ago is still affecting your Christmas present situation to this day. Apart from the financial strain, you also can't sneak down and watch TV late at night on the couch, because this uncle is often asleep there.

Quotes: "Hey Tommy, how's your dad doing at work? Does he ever talk about things like 'bonuses' and 'promotions'?"
"I'm just in a bit of a jam right now. The used 8 track market is finally slowing down."
"We're out of cookies..."

Survey Says?
A lot of people didn't get those sick new Chuck Taylors for Christmas apparently. I didn't predict that Freeloader Uncle would be so high in the rankings, but I guess I was way off base since that cheap bastard came in at #4 by grabbing 21% of the votes.

Motorcycle Uncle

Bio: Motorcycle Uncle is so cool. At least he WAS cool. Now he's in a wheelchair. I'm not saying people in wheelchairs are uncool. I'm saying that people who are in wheelchairs because they haphazardly endangered their lives in hopes of scoring that extra bit of pussy are uncool. Back when motorcycle uncle was able to walk, he would take you on awesome rides and pick you up from school. These days, he can still give you rides and pick you up from school, but it's on Wheel-Trans, rather than a motorcycle.

Quotes: "Helmets are for pussies, Tommy, it's your 7th birthday...when the fuck are you gonna grow up and be a man for christ sake?"
"Meet Candy, she's going to be your new aunt..."
"Candy? I don't know no Candy. But hey..meet Mercedes, she's going to be your new aunt..."

Survey Says?
This one really surprised me. I just did not see this coming. Motorcycle Uncle recklessly sped his way right into the last spot in the top 5 with 19% of the votes. Coincidentally, 19% is also the chance that he'll ever walk again.

Official Poll Results...
1. Alcoholic Uncle - 64%
2. Uncle Named Bob - 43%
3. Makes Kids Hyper Then Leaves Uncle - 39%
4. Freeloader Uncle - 21%
5. Owns a Motorcycle Uncle - 19%
6. Molester Uncle - 10%
7. Disappeared When You Were Young Uncle - 8%
T8. Always in Jail Uncle - 6%
T8. Not Related but Sleeps Over a Lot Uncle - 6%

Uncles I Wish I Included In The Poll, but Didn't Think of at the Time... (*Added by reader)
-possibly gay uncle
-obviously cheats on his wife uncle
-immigrant that married into the family and doesn't really fit in uncle
-uncle that turned into an aunt or vice versa uncle
-wrestles with the kids and always ends up hurting them uncle
*-Gambling Uncle (Alice)
*-Still Lives With Grandma Uncle (Megan)
*-Burn Out Who Only Comes Around Once in a While Wearing a "Yes T-Shirt (Damon)

Feel like I missed an uncle that should have been in my poll? Please let me know in the comments and I'll add it to my revision list. As always, tell your friends, colleagues, family, and molester uncles about my blog.

Oh hey, the links to the right have been updated for your time wasting pleasure.