Recently, pictures of Mike Tyson's mansion surfaced on the internet. Normally, I would pass on such a beaten topic as Mike Tyson, but since no one ever got much of a glimpse into his home I figured this would at least be relatively fresh.
Now, some of the things I say in this entry are going to be both extremely offensive and most likely in poor taste, but only to Mike Tyson. Really, who gives a shit about Mike Tyson's feelings? He's the total embodiment of the immature reckless athlete with absolutely no brains and way too much brawn persona that haunted our gym change rooms in high school. Well actually, Mike goes way beyond that. Either way, if you have some sort of soft spot for Iron Mike or you happen to be at the welfare office and he's standing directly behind you right now, just click the back button on your browser, because this will probably get ugly.
Although his trials and tribulations have been well documented, let's take a brief run down of possibly the most disgusting man to have ever been born...
-squandered over $300 million dollars in career earnings
-arrested 38 times by the age of 13
-his video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", was extremely frustrating and nearly impossible to beat
-convicted of the rape of a beauty pageant contestant in 1992
-lost a rematch against Evander Holyfield due to the routine and commonplace ruling of disqualification by ear biting
-went to jail again in 1999 on charges stemming from a road rage incident in which he kicked a man in the nuts and punched a 62 year-old
-the tattoo on his face is stupid
-in 2006 he came dangerously close to crashing into a police SUV and was subsequently arrested on DUI charges
-he talks like a 6 year old boy who just smacked his nuts off a frozen lamp post
So please don't come crying to me when I crack extremely mean jokes about his obese sister or manic depression because he deserves every last bit of it. Now on to the tour of the Tyson Mansion (photos courtesy of illicitohio.com)...
First Stop...The Den
I imagine this is the room that he committed the bulk of his rapes in. It looks like something a pimp sneezed. You remember those trashy people in the neighborhood who often wore track pants and no socks? I think Mike Tyson had the same table as them. The design on said table was probably the inspiration for that ridiculous face tattoo.
Next stop...The Entertainment Room
This room boasted BOTH zebra AND tiger print rugs, which is probably the classiest thing since framed optical illusion prints started invading people's front hallways. Also exuding high amounts of class was the capsized canoe roof. The excessive space in this room really deepened the sound of abusive language and outrageous proclamations. Half pictured on the right side of the photo is a fully functional sundae bar, but we'll get to that later.
Now we move to...The Pool
Believe it or not, the pool has actually become cleaner since Mike abandoned this house. The hand rails on the diving board, along with latex water wings and a 24 hour team of
prostitutes lifeguards, supplemented Tyson's strict code of safety conduct when raping women around the pool. Also, his wide variety of bastard children frequently enjoyed this part of the house.
And now...The Main Foyer
Many unsuspecting women have made the ascent up those stairs to Mike Tyson's bedroom and let’s just say none of them were gleefully sliding down those gold banisters the next morning; although specially formulated KY Jelly was afforded to any who may have chosen to do so. The archway led to a huge private theatre that boasted a vast library of 1 movie: The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride; which played around the clock without cessation...
And Noooooooooooooooooooow....Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....MAIN EVENT
The Sundae Bar
Yes, Mike Tyson had his very own Sundae Bar where guests could choose between the flavors: bankruptcy berry blast, heavenly hash pipe, or rocky road rage. A ton of different sundae dressings were also available. Sundae bar patrons could dazzle their ice cream with things like sprinkles, cherries, ear lobes, peanut crumble, shredded $100 bills, chocolate sauce, crystal meth, caramel squares, m & m's, and jail time. Retrospectively, most friends of Tyson cite the Sundae Bar as the sole reason they were friends with him.
The hotlinks have been updated on the right. Enjoy wasting your time and, subsequently, getting for in trouble for it...SUCKERS.
Oh and hey, tell your ear biting rapist criminal friends about my blog please.