Monday, June 30, 2008

Coming Soon to an Obituary Near You!

(Disclaimer: I'm not wishing death on these people, just stating what I observe to be facts pointing in the general direction of death.)

Amy Winehouse
This one's a no-brainer...quite literally. They don't make them much more idiotic than Amy Winehouse. She accelerated from promising young star to a washed-out druggie in no time at all. Along the way she's alienated herself from anyone with even the vaguest shred of intelligence and lost more friends than your mom's broken TiVo. Presently, anyone smart enough to recognize her break-neck descent into obscurity can be seen running from the "House" faster than a nicky 9 door champion. Her husband is in jail, which I assume is to enjoy some much needed "me-time" away from Amy. Subsequently, she's been quoted as saying she uses drugs because she feels she has nothing to live for (Associated Press, 2008). Unfortunately, a lack of common sense won't kill you, but emphysema surely will. Minutes after leaving a hospital that diagnosed her with the chronic lung disorder, Amy was photographed lighting a cigarette.

So How Long Should We Wait?
Well, emphysema is a son of a bitch of a disease. It can't be cured, but it can be controlled by halting all exposure to lung irritants such as cigarette smoke, and more importanly...THE CRACK. Given the fact that she's already been seen smoking since the diagnosis, crack probably won't be too off the post-hospital itinerary. Basically, look at the date on the milk in your fridge then knock off a day or two.




Hugh Hefner

Men worldwide will be sad to see this guy go, and as much as it hurts to say it, he's getting old, guys. Real old. Old enough to be the Great Depression's older brother. Don't get me wrong, he beat the shit out of a stroke he suffered in 1985 and came back stronger and sexier than ever. He currently has three girlfriends. Most people are stressed out enough over one, plus that much sex at his age can't help the old ticker either. He's rode more ass than a Mexican tour guide and honestly, he's probably going to some sort of exclusive V.I.P. heaven with way more satin and lotions than regular heaven, so we can't be too sad when he kicks it.

So How Long Should We Wait?
It's hard to say really. A man like Hugh probably has some sort of cure for death locked away in the depths of the mansion next to a ruby studded platinum sex swing and the panties Marilyn Monroe died in; so HE may be the one printing MY obituary...in Playboy. God I hope so. Realistically, barring the infamous Playboy Mansion Grotto actually being the fountain of youth, he should be gone within 5 years.





A NASCAR Driver

You can just take your pick here. Driving aggressively at high speeds routinely results in death...or being OJ Simpson. When the success of a sport is predicated on the fact that its spectators are primarily there just to see an athlete (and I use that term so very loosely) get into a fiery life threatening accident, you can't really like their chances. Coupling the frequency of their cars crashing and igniting in flames with the rate at which the hair spray in a neatly tailored mullet would burn under even the slightest of sparks, yields a high risk of a NASCAR death at any moment of any race. Also, let's face it, these guys are probably drunk while they do this.

So How Long Should We Wait?
The next race is July 5th...so odds are that it'll be then. Can't wait? Well enjoy this while you sit patiently...

(Click to enlarge)

Keith Richards
They say a rolling stone gathers no moss, and although that may be true, this particular Rolling Stone has gathered a laundry list of addictions and near overdoses throughout his storied career. Let's just say that if Keith could actually "roll" a stone, he'd most likely try to smoke it afterwards. I could produce a list of the things this bad-boy has been up to since becoming famous in the 60's, but you'd probably have to take a day off work to read it. Instead, I'll just mention that he snorted his deceased father's ashes and went on a 10 arrest hot streak between 1967 and 1977*. If you really want to know more about him, just google his name and enjoy the next 6 months of reading.

So How Long Should We Wait?
This is a toughie. People have been waiting since the late 60's for news to break about a Keith Richards overdose whether it be on heroin, cocaine, or…the cremated ashes of a loved one. Overall, he's endured the test of time, and some could make a case for him actually being immortal. I, on the other hand, believe it's only a matter of time. Too much drugs, too much sex, and too much rock & roll have left his face looking like a bordello’s leather couch. On top of that, the long term effects of doing so many drugs all the while being a full-time alcoholic have to catch up to him sometime. Like the big Hef-dog, I give him a five year maximum.

*Towards the end of the second paragraph

The links have been updated for your time wasting pleasure and throughout the day I'll be building my...da da da-da...blog roll. This could take a while, but if a few days pass and you don't see your blog on there, feel free to let me know about it.

Again, I hope all of these people live long and prosperous lives from here on out, but I doubt it. I'm just saying is all. Anyhow tell your friends...


Oh and I almost forgot...

Happy Motherfucking Canada Day. We're The Best Country There Ever Was and if You Don't Believe It...Come Visit. You'll Never Leave!!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"Fan" Mail

Attn: Subway Restaurants
Re: Being the absolute worst ever

From Jared to the term “Sandwich Artist” to their Nazi-like stranglehold on the store bathrooms; Subway has been terrorizing our wallets, and more importantly our spirits, for far too long. In order to have a “fresh made sandwich”, we have to endure sky high prices, stingy vegetables portions, the lack of emphasis in employee training on taking off the clear plastics gloves when you handle filthy currency, and about a million other annoyances. How is this franchise still afloat? That’s an honest question and I really hope someone waltzes into the comments section with big enough balls to give me a straight-faced answer to it.

Let’s start with the food itself. When talking about eating, a lot of people will resort to the phrase “quality over quantity” and many times, they are correct. However, the only thing that qualifies a cucumber as being of high quality is it not being brown and rotten and I think we can all expect that Subway will at least hold up to the these standards. Bring on the quantity. If I want extra green olives, just smile and give them to me. Don’t look at me like I’m holding your daughter hostage and demanding your wallet and the keys to your Camry. I shouldn’t have to feel like a guerilla mercenary gun-for-hire because I want 7 slices of tomato rather than the customary 5. If I want you to stuff a sack with carrot shavings, start stuffing, because I just paid your hourly wage for a 12 inch turkey on white. This is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. I also demand fresh bread as alleged in the smoke and mirror lie shows that you call commercials. Yeah it’s true that your bread is baked fresh daily…at 6 am. If I wanted a sandwich before sunrise, then I would surely enjoy the deliciously tender fresh bread you have. Unfortunately, by the time my lunch hour rolls around at 1pm, the buns are ready to be cut into discs and handed out at church on Sunday. I came for a sub on “freshly baked bread”…not communion.

Bathrooms are something every restaurant should provide with a smile, not a cold stare and a series of elaborate riddles. Even if I’m not actually going to buy something, why not let me use the bathroom anyways? I promise I will not steal the metal flushing lever, no matter how hot they are right now on the underground Russian toilet accessories market. I don’t really look like a candidate to die with a needle in my arm clutching the paper towel dispenser in a Subway bathroom…at least not today anyways. Basically, if I run in to the sound of sirens with a syringe and bent spoon falling out of my track pants, I’d understand if you politely declined my entry to the bathroom; otherwise, just fuck off and let me pee, and if you’re real lucky I won’t drip any on the seat because I’m a real nice guy. Also, locking it tighter than Hannibal Lector’s prison cell is probably something you may want to scale back on. Spending my sub money on an intricate electronic pulley system and a full on castle moat isn’t exactly a brilliant allocation of resources. Are random non-customer bathroom uses really that much of a priority? How about decently training your “Sandwich Artists” instead?

A subway sandwich MAKER is about as much of an artist as a janitor is a diarrhea connoisseur. They pile meat, cheese, and the skimpiest amounts of vegetables onto crusty, flakey bread. Then they cut it. Then they wrap it in rice paper and slide it into a bag. Well la-di-fucking-Picasso. I can see it now…the affluent hanging 6 inch BLTs on their walls explaining to their rich guests, “This is an original Gary. It was his second day on the job and he banged this one out in about 10 minutes. My eyes welled up, my heart fluttered and I said, ‘I must have it’ and I then I did. Now, come come…you must see my California Wrap” Look I understand giving your employees a false sense of pride, and given the wages you pay them, there’s a strong chance that there’s no mirror access in the hostel they’re forced to live in, but come on...they know what they are and we know what they are. We aren’t as stupid as you’d think. We’re just barely stupid enough to pay $9 for a sandwich we could make at home for about $1, but we’re definitely not stupid enough to ever consider someone working at your franchise to be an “artist”.

Clean up your act, Subway!

Signed,

Everyone



New links for you to waste your time with on the top right of the page!!! YAYYESSS! (I'll be updating them regularly, for real this time).

Subway employees are not encouraged to read my blog. Your friends and family are.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Phrase Deaths Issue #1



Early this morning, "...And by [that], I mean [this]" died a violent death at the hands of teenagers, the lame, and comedians worldwide. Living a brief but full life, this phrase sure packed everything it could into its run. The comedic device exceeded its life expectancy vastly by being so versatile that literally even the dullest of people could use it...and boy did they EVER. Survived by close relatives "Did I say [this]? Because I meant [this]" and "AKA", its paint-by-numbers legacy will live on (for what will seem like) forever.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Not wasting enough time here? No worries, I got you.

That's right, kids. See, I like wasting time more than anything else and I know that you all feel the same way. There are many sites out there such as GorillaMask, EbaumsWorld, CollegeHumor and so on that post many videos every day, but it's hard to tell which ones are worthwhile. Wasting time is one thing, but wasting time while wasting time is unacceptable. This is where I step in and punch you in the face with my foot with a nice tidy list of the worthwhile things to see and do from around the net. I will be updating this any time I come across anything I think you guys would like to waste your time on. Older links will be bumped off the list as newer ones are found so click fast while supplies last!

The links can be conveniently found on the right sidebar right at the top. Hey and don't worry... the uncles poll is still around, it's just been moved down a bit. Yes, I am dying to know about your childhood uncles. Also, I'm going to use this time to come clean...you all clicked off your childhood uncles under the assumption that it was totally private and anonymous. Well I've been recording who's IP clicked which option(s) and guess what? I know who was molested!!! The results will SHOCK you. Pictures to follow. You think I'm kidding? I am. Keep voting.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Your Softball Team's All-Stars

Guy That Takes it Too Seriously

Height: 6'4

Weight: A lean mean 215

Age: 45

Likes: Humiliating his kids at swimming lessons, red-lighting 3-0 counts, legging out singles, anabolic steroids.

Dislikes: Losing softball games and his hair and his wife and...listen this guy just
doesn't like to lose.

Day Job: Grade School Gym Teacher

"Listen up you skirt twirling fairy dancers. My name's Darren and I'm here to BRING THE PAIN. We will not lose. If we lose one game, I will personally kill all of your children with my fists. I'm only playing in this league because Sundays are my relax day. Monday through Saturday, I play in real ultra competitive leagues. You know...the type of leagues where you get boot fucked in the parking lot post game for not turning a double play. As you can see, I bulked up a little this off season and dropped two jock sizes in the process. It's a lot easier to leg out a double when your scrotum is half the size of a regular adult male's. I use the extra jock space to stash my chew. No you may not have any. Maybe if you got on base once in a while you kool-aid guzzling faglets. Hey, you could all actually maybe be halfway not losers if you just came to the batting cages with me for like 8...maybe 9 hours. Cool, I'll pick you all up at 6 am next Tuesday. I think we have a pretty solid team this year. You men don't seem to be too gay and I'm pretty sure that at least three of you six women are lesbians. That's a great non-gay male to gay female ratio...maybe the best in the league. Honestly, if we don't win it all this year, I'm going to rape someone. I mean that."

Woman Who Only Plays To Keep an Eye on Her Husband


Height: 5'2

Weight: 115

Likes: Husband, Love, Affection, Kisses...lots of kisses

Dislikes: Bitches, whores, sluts, floosies, overtime work, undertime work, business trips, dead cell phones, secretaries (see whores).

Day Job: Homemaker

"Hi, I'm Sharon. I have a wonderful husband named Peter. He's right over there...HI SWEETIE PETEY. Alright he's not paying attention to me right now. I LOVE SOFTBALL. With the bats and the running and the teamwork. This is really exciting. It's fun to get outdoors with my wonderful husband. Why does a softball team need so many women though? I think I could handle it if all you girls just want to go home or to the bar to pick up married men or whatever you do. Hey Marla, try some of the cookies I brought for everyone. Take two actually...if your hands are full, maybe they won't be all over my husband for two minutes. No Peter, I will not take it easy. I don't care if we *air quotes* talked about this."

Never Played Before in His Life Guy

Height: 5'6 tops

Weight: 125 with his shoes on

Age: 31

Likes: Reading, the internet, reading the internet, computer languages, Star Trek languages, Middle Earth languages, comic books

Dislikes: Jocks, athletes, super wedgies, purple nurples, bad words, ear infections

Day Job: Sells science fiction crap on Ebay

"Hey guys! I'm Clinton! I've been playing rockball for years. Huh? Yeah softball, that's what I said. My mom said if I didn't get out of the house more, I'd lose internet privileges. See if I give a care. She's always with that jerk Gary these days anyhow. Let's play guys, I'm ready to go. I have my baseball stick and my hand...catching...thinger. This is going to be the best summer since I finger banged Sheila at art camp 3 years ago."

Big Fat Drunken Sweaty Guy

Height: 5'11

Weight: An unhealthy 275

Age: 40

Likes: Coors Light and ONLY Coors Light, Hawaiian shirts, visors, Perspirex, America, talking loudly

Dislikes: Running, diving, trying, That Nazi imported shit beer, sharts, hot weather, cold weather, weather, party poopers

Day Job: Mail Sorter

"Hey...pssst...shhh dude you're gonna get us caught. C'mere. Yeah come over for a sec. Check out what I got in the back of my truck man. Yeah that's a 2-4 of Coors Light. There's three left, you want one? C'mon don't be a pussy. You're being a pussy...have one...there you go. I'm Chuck by the way. Oh man, thank god I'm not the boogie man because I just can't stay away from these silver bullets...OHHHHHHHH...I just thought of that just now. No, dude...I'm pretty sure it's the boogie man. Werewolves? Get out of here! You're drunk man. You're SO FUCKING DRUNK...I'm MOTHERFUCKING LOVING IT...WHOOOOOOOOOO."


The Man-Woman

Height: 5'9...5'11 with afro mullet

Weight: A lean mean 215

Age: 34

Likes: Tori Amos, steak, A1 steak sauce, arm wrestling, Die Hard parts 1 and 3, karate

Dislikes: Pretty women, pretty kids, pretty much everyone, penis

Day Job: Garbage Man...er...Garbage Woman? That doesn't sound right.

"What's up pussies? The name's Gert. Actually it's Gert the Hurt. In fact, I must be called Gert the Hurt or I will fuck you up. That's not a warning...that's a threat. I'm the clean up hitter. Does anyone have a problem with that? Didn't think so. Yes I smell like garbage, there's no denying it, but YOU WILL act like I don't or I'm going to put my orthopedic knee brace through your eye socket. I will be playing first base....and third base...and catcher...and outfield. You know what? We'd be better off just letting me play the entire game alone because I don't see one non-bitch in front of me. My friend Paula comes to watch every game and if I catch even one of you sackless dick lickers glancing at her, it's on. You know what 'it's on' means? No? Then it's on."

Tell Gert the Hurt and the whole gang down at your local softball diamond to read my blog.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Speed 3: Bombed on Bus

Welcome to Taranna...

TORONTO, June 4 (UPI) -- A Toronto Transit Commission bus driver was fired after police found his blood alcohol level was allegedly three times over the limit while he was working. A frightened passenger called 911 Tuesday morning saying it appeared the driver was drunk, the Toronto Sun reported Wednesday. Transit control radioed the driver to pull over, but after all of his passengers fled at one stop, he continued until police were able to pull him over, the Toronto Star said. A roadside breathalyzer indicated a blood alcohol level more than three times the 0.08 limit, and a second, more comprehensive test at the police station showed the same, police said. Brad Ross, director of TTC corporate communications, told the National Post the driver was fired immediately.

This is how we do it in Toronto. We wake up in the morning and have a hearty bowl of oatmeal, kiss the wife and kids goodbye, get in the car, quickly head over to the bar and get shit faced drunk; then casually hop on the public transit bus we're driving and proceed to shuttle a bus load of people around the city. When passengers got on this bus, they didn't think their $2.75 bought them the ride of their life. Hell, it's a lot cheaper than Wonderland (local amusement park), and the lines aren't nearly as long. This particular driver is now looking forward to a long career in alcoholism. One has to assume that this wasn't his first try at drunk bus driving. I wonder how many times this guy fell off the wagon and into the driver's seat of a public vehicle.

Graphic Recreation of Intoxicated Driver's Route



(Click Image For Full Size)

Thanks for reading my blog. Tell your friends.

Monday, June 2, 2008

"Nah...No One Is Probably Looking..."

There's no doubt that we live in an age where the privacy of an everyday person is inconsistent at best. So you can well imagine the life of a celebrity and the total lack of privacy they are afforded on a day to day basis. I mean the paparazzi is always lurking, patiently waiting behind their hedges for that shining moment where a vagina lip breaks free from a pair of short shorts or a nipple finds its way out of a low cut blouse. They literally spend their entire lives waiting for the opportunity to snap a photo of a sliver of areola. It's a sad life, but even sadder is that these guys/girls get paid very well to essentially be that guy who had to go door-to-door introducing himself to everyone when he moved to the neighbourhood. "Tom? No sweetie, he was just introducing himself to us, but I swear to god...if I catch you anywhere near him, I'll kill you." Tom should have moved to Hollywood where he could be the exact same amount of pervert without all that sexual offenders list hassle, but that's another article. I'm here today to tell you that celebrities are stupid...and dogs bark, and coffee wakes you up, and the New York Yankees' fans are idiots. Pretty redundant, I know, but honestly have you ever sat down and really thought about it? Well I have and here's the gist of it. Celebrities go out in their skimpy bikinis and wear skirts with no underwear while they are knowingly being followed by a group of photographers rivaling the size of their own entourage. All I can say is, "thanks". Thanks for driving the online blogging world and giving us all something to look at with your constant ignorance towards the fact that you are being watched at every moment of every day. You are being watched while being watched. There's people watching the people watching you, and somewhere down the line, the whole world will eventually be watching. So what the fuck guys? Maybe wear a bra next time, or some underwear, or don't get changed in public. Whatever actually…keep doing it so we can keep doing stuff like this...

The "Nah...No One's Probably Looking" Greatest Hits...

First up we have Angelina Jolie. Granted I've probably seen her breasts more than I've seen most of my uncles, she should still sort of cover those bad boys up. You have to question the judgment of arguably the most watched celebrity in the business when she's out on a balcony in broad daylight with her tits flapping in the wind. What do you suppose the odds would be that there was a photographer close by just waiting for something like this to happen. Someday her 600 adopted kids will grow up and go to high school. Then what? Regular beatings and taunts, obviously. Going to high school being a kid with a good looking mother is hard enough, throw in some tit shots and a make out session with her own brother at the Oscars and we have a recipe for a teenage suicide. Here's hoping they go to the same school as one of Lindsay Lohan's inevitable bastard offspring. That'd take the heat off a little.






Meet Lilly Allen. You probably don't know who she is because she's just barely a celebrity. She's a singer or a dancer or a doctor or...I dunno. She's a celebrity, you just gotta trust me. Anyhow, here she is cliff jumping topless. My guess is that she figured anyone watching would assume that she was a straggler that got away from the group on a field trip from an all-boys school. Maybe she just doesn't care because almost no one knows who she is. Maybe she's a free spirit. Either way, if she was hoping that her almost-breasts would be all over the internet hours after doing this, then mission accomplished. Oh and thanks for ruining my lunch.








Here's Jessica Simpson administering a self breast examination or trying to execute a porno-esque self nipple lick. At any rate, she's doing this outdoors on a tropical vacation. I guess she thought the paparazzi wouldn't travel. I think that she's just sick enough to have done this in hopes of being photographed so that she could steal some of the attention away from her sister's lesbian wedding to Pete Wentz. I really hope that this was an accident and I think it is a viable conclusion since Jessica Simpson is about as smart as my right testicle. At least she won't have to worry about her boyfriend, professional ball-dropper Tony Romo, getting on her ass about "screwing up".






I've saved the best for last. Paris Hilton is all about filling the public eye with boatloads of nudity, sex, and all around ridiculousness so putting up a picture of a nip slip or upskirt shot would be par for the course. I never half ass it. This one is a doozie, folks. Here's Paris Hilton rearranging her stuff like a major leaguer on a beach in Mexico. This photographer must have had dollar signs in his eyes. They have an old saying in the photog business..."A handful of vag is a handful of cash" and if that's true then this particular photographer was double fisting it. Why in the world would anyone need to be digging that deep into their bikini bottoms...two handed? I'm not a female or an expert on vaginal wedgies or bathing suits or anything, but this just looks plain old unnecessary. By all means ladies, correct me if I'm wrong in the comments section, but Paris appears to be one knuckle away from public masturbation. Oh man, and look at that smirk on her face. The head tilted slightly downward in that "I'm gonna rape you" pose. Sick. Utterly disgusting.



These photos were all courtesy of egotastic.com. Head on over there and check out the uncensored photos, except for the Lilly Allen ones. You might just want to pass on those.

Tell all the sleazy shameless celebs you know about my blog.