Monday, December 29, 2008

It has come to this and I blame America

Some of you may or may not have noticed that a bunch of anonymous people began posting ridiculous comments on this blog, which has caused me to turn on comment moderation.

It all began back when America was born out of the grungy vagina that is ignorance. Some years later, a site named collegehumor.com came along. Although the site is great and has been the source of laughter for me for many years now, the people that come along with it are horribly, horribly stupid.

A particular commenter by the name of "Lee: Your Internet Stalker" chose to make a disparaging comment to me in a private message, totally unprovoked.

Here is his avatar... (which as he has indicated many times, is a real, unironic photo of himself and his dog. On his boat. Presumably in international waters where no one can hear you yelp. Embracing eachother. Very gayly.)


Alright now here is his avatar explained...


When I finally got around to noticing his message (over three months later), I messaged him politely telling him to shut his fat Michael Moore 40 year old face and that if he didn't comply I was going to fuck his gay little dog. That's right. That Dog. In its ass.

Harsh? Yes. An overexaggeration? Sure. Really going to happen? Never. Not in a million years, ever.

Sully Sullivan does not, nor will he ever, have sex with animals. Sully Sullivan makes funny jokes and sometimes fat grad student dog clutchers take them seriously. After taking my comment seriously, Lee proceeded to rally up his merry old gang of people who have way too much time on their hands and have them message me on collegehumor.com as well as post disgustingly unorginal comments on my blog.

So here we are now. I've turned on comment moderation, not because I am a pussy, but because I am better than you. You will not be satisfied. The day you squeeze one ounce of satisfaction out of me is the day that I am blowing it across your face in the form a huge juicy load. Now go back to collegehumor.com where your mundane and uninspired "jokes" can get lost in the shuffle with the other 1000000 piece of shit wastes of time. I will add that, if I'm a "pussy" for turning on comment filtering, then what does that make someone who posts tough guy insults anonymously on someone's personal blog? An American, probably.

For your pleasure, here is the unedited transcript of mine and Lee's private message exchange on collegehumor.com. It's fairly lengthy so don't feel obligated to read it if you don't want to. There are some gems in there though...

(ps to my loyal American readers, I love you guys. YOU are the one exception to the rule. Please keep smiling.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lee:
September 03, 2008
If I paypal you $30, will you chemically castrate yourself so tha you will never EVER breed? I can go as high as $65. Let's make a deal so that your bloodline is cut off now.


Sully:
December 18, 2008
I understand that you're probably mad that I'm pretty funny and you're not really funny at all. Plus, my bloodline will continue on either way because I have already fucked your little dog. She had a full litter of sully/puppy combos. It was magnificent.Thanks for your interest in me, Michael Moore.

Lee:
December 19, 2008
You're really funny? Wow. I guess I didn't notice the huge amount of likes on your articles of comedy genius. You know, professional comedy sites tend to send funny articles national. Those tend to get likes and positive comments too. That being said, thank you for agreeing to fucking dogs. If you feel like burning yourself anymore, be my guest.


Sully:
December 22, 2008
How many of your articles have gone national? Do you even write or are you someone who sits around his college dorm trying to blast people on a comedy site while pretending your dog is a goatee? On that note, your dog was a very special exception. Normally I only have sex with humans, but your dog was just so slutty and I was just so drunk.

(This is where Lee tries to get all Horatio from CSI on me. No such luck, dumb fuck.)

Lee:
December 22, 2008
I think I get what you're saying. You're saying you fuck dogs, right?


Sully:
December 22, 2008
LOL what? You're such a sick freak. Stop messaging me...lolllllll. Go take your little dog and your fat Michael Moore shaped body and go somewhere else. I suggest 1930's Germany. Freak.

Lee:
December 22, 2008
Go somewhere else? I believe I was at Collegehumor first.


Sully:
December 23, 2008
Well my dad can beat up your dad.I guess we'd probably have to find him first though, right? You reek of bastard. Clutching that dog like it's your only friend in the entire world.If your Dad didn't love you, that's okay. I totally understand where he's coming from.

Lee:
December 23, 2008
Your dad is a Canadian and mine is an ex-US Marine. I think my Dad has the upper hand there, Canuck.You're the one who vainly posts inane articles on CH as though it were your personal blog only to receive self-likes. And yes, my dog is my friend. Therefore, you are not allowed to fuck my dog. I know that you really want to. I've read the comments on your blog.Just delete your collegehumor account. The insults/comments on there will never stop.


(Oh Lee, you're even more retarded than your picture implies...)

Sully:
December 23, 2008
Judging by the fact that you look to be pushing 40, I'd guesstimate that your dad has trouble fighting off diarrhea. Plus there's no way an ex-marine could produce such a faggy looking dog hugging pussychild. Just not possible.Deleting my collegehumor.com is the very last thing that I will do.Wait...LOL...I just realized that you're under the impression that these incessant messages from you and your dick twirling fag platoon are bothering me...Hahahaha that is fucking priceless. I'm sitting in my office right now, almost everyone else is off on vacation, and you guys are literally passing my day for me. While I get paid.It's beautiful. I get a lame ass message from some lame ass lamey lame-o lamester lame guy, then I think of a witty response and write it.Dear God I hope I'm wrong. I really hope this isn't some campaign to get me to delete my account, because, my friend, it is having the exact opposite effect. I'm more interested in this site now than I have been in years.Rally the troops, Lee. I'm not finished work until 5.

Lee:
5 days ago
So am I a 40 year old man or a student sitting in my dorm posting on CH? You've accused both so I'm feeling a sense of confusion from your direction.


Sully:
5 days ago
Clearly you're both, Lee. You need to keep the fuck up. And for christ sakes, please stop creepily smelling your dog's hair. I'm really starting to believe that you're actually the dog fucker and this is all a sick turn at projecting your illness onto me.Grow up man. You digust me.

Lee:
5 days ago
Or that's a picture of my dog at 40 mph offshore in one of my boats. And I believe you're the only one here who's "bragged" about fucking dogs. [citation: previous messages/blog comments]


Sully:
5 days ago
So you're going 40 mph in "one of your boats" and smelling your dog while someone else (presumably a camera on a tripod with a timer set) takes pictures? You're sick.

Lee:
5 days ago
Yeah, how dare I commemorate the first time my dog made the trip with us out into international waters. I'll tell the driver not to do that next time. I would offer the same advice to you, but let's face it: you don't even have one boat, do you?


Lee:
5 days ago
Hahahaha get tired of the blog comments?


(You can almost smell the false sense of accomplishment in that message. That is truly pathetic. And also false. Please, Lee, do not forget the "false" part.)

Sully:
3 hours ago
I can see you haven't gotten tired of posting them. Which is so sad that I probably don't even need to point out how sad it is as it has to be obvious to both of us.No I don't own a boat. Why in the hell would I own a boat? So I can tie a table napkin around my dog's neck, put on a baseball hat from a college I never went to, and snap photos of myself? No thanks.Anyhow congratulations on your parents owning a boat. Do you assume credit for all of their achievements and possessions as if even an ounce of your own effort went into attaining them? If anything they would have had MORE boats if they hadn't blown 15 grand on a semester and a half of college for you.

Lee:
3 hours ago
Oh and....(1) that's a life vest the dog's wearing

(2) that's not a college hat i'm wearing
(3) it's my boat. in my name. bought with my money.

Sully
2 hours ago
Oh and....(1) That's so sad. I bet you dress him up on Halloween, too
(2) Nobody actually cares
(3) Further confirming my suspicions that you are 40+. Why are you on a college humor site when you are clearly 47 years old and Michael Moore?

Lee:
1 hour ago
i can't be a 23 year old in grad school with a career in pharma research?


Sully:
35 minutes ago
You could be a 7 year old dyslexic pengiun with 1986 Ford Mustangs for hands.

You could be an advanced shapeshifting cyborg sent back through time to star opposite Arnold Schwarzeneggar in a blockbuster, ground breaking sci-fi epic who never realized fame larger than that and ended up settling for being a poor man's David Duchovny and getting run out of business by Tony Soprano on the critically acclaimed mob drama, The Sopranos.

You could be anything dusted with everything, coated in peanut brittle, but what you look like...is a 47 year old Michael Moore impersonator clutching his dog on open waters. Which, I'll admit, is the only feasible description a pharma research grad student could possibly fit. So I guess I stand corrected.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lee, if you're out there, and something tells me that you very much are out there, consider this the sweet closure of our brief but wonderous time on the internet together. I will no longer acknowledge you as something that deserves to exist.

Thanks for the material, though!

22 comments:

Miss said...

You're obviously jealous. I mean, you dont even HAVE one boat do you??

BWAAAAHAHAHA

Megan said...

Holy crap, Sully. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty on this one.

xo,
Los Angeles

Kori said...

Poor fucking lee. But thanks to you for sharing it becasue as usual, your blog made me laugh out loud.

rkintn said...

Oh that was some priceless shit right there LOL I've run up on people like Lee myself. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure you're too smart and funny for him to battle for long.

Here's some advice for Lee:
You should never enter into a battle of wits unarmed.

crazyDan said...

Humans are animals too. So what do you have sex with?

Matt Gorman said...

I still love you...

but I have a confession. I'm Canadian.

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog, and know neither of you. I must say that you are both pathetic.

Matt said...

I'd follow you into a hail of gunfire anytime...awesome.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I happened to know you have a dog and would never do any such thing to an animal. But don't worry, your soft interior is safe with me. ;)

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

And sorry, but I spend so much time seeking approval from people that I actually know. I mean, I thought you and I were, like, cool.

And the joy, the simple joy, of being published automatically with one click. Damn, I'm gonna miss that here. Oh well, do what you gotta do.

blaine_fridley said...

dearest lee,

as a product of that "grungy vagina of ignorance" (solid 20-count laugh, by the way, sully), i say our maple syrup lovin', O-Pee-Chee card collectin' brother to the north has thoroughly and brutally battered and bloodied you in this grossly mismatched battle of wits. here's hoping that boat ownership does the trick in filling that gaping void where self-worth is typically found.

sully, you magnificent canuck bastard, the DoF stands on guard for thee! while your at it, check out our latest post... as sports fan, i think you'll dig it.

peace,
blaine and the DoF crew

Chris Wood said...

But Lee has boats - many of them. How can you not feel bested?

That penguin comment made me crack up. Good one.

that girl said...

Dude you're ridiculously funny. And no..we're sooooooooooooo NOT responsible for gay-dog-scarf guy..uh-huh, nope, not taking the blame for that shit.

Krissyface said...

that was extremely fun to read over my coffee, Sully. Which I have presently sputtered all over my keyboard.

At least you're not getting Christ-loving comment spam from weird born-again bloggers, like me. Check out my most recent post. WTF??? (Shamelessly driving you to my blog, yes I am)

Krissyface said...

I had to turn on comment mod too.
It sucks. I had a crazy evangelical wackjob spamming my blog with Christian essays that incited my readers; he started posting 15 comments at a time saying, "Burn in hell".

Niiiice.

The internet should really only be for porn.

Anonymous said...

"You could be a 7 year old dyslexic pengiun with 1986 Ford Mustangs for hands."

i lol'd to the point of tears

Laurie said...

Sully, as a 41-year-old American woman, I imagine that I am not your blog's intended audience, but I almost lost my Himalayan Restaurant dinner laughing at your "date" with Lee.

I hope when I grow up, I'm as funny as you.

Humor Hero said...

That...was awesome...I have nothing more to say...

Actually I do. When I first saw that picture before I read this whole thing, I thought it was Michael Moore.

Anonymous said...

lawl you owned that tool, props

deb said...

December 29 th is my B-day the day of this blogging. Have not stopped by for awhile but so glad I did today. Your're a canadian BABE! I'm howling! This was perfection Sully. Keep up the good work. Feel free to bodyguard my blog anytime.

Tanya Kristine said...

now now...why take it out on the dogs???!!!

Kirsten said...

Hilarious!
I too, am not your intended audience, but I think you're funny, so I'll keep coming back.
BTW, why do you have a problem with 40 year olds? I'm turning 40 on Sunday. I guess I'm a little defensive! :)