Thursday, November 20, 2008

Thoughts From My Office

- There's this fucking bagel shop downstairs and the bagel lady always cuts the bagel in half all the way down until like an inch from the bottom. So then, when I try to separate it, that shit rips apart and the bagel's guts (cream cheese) fly out everywhere and it’s messy. I don't get it...does she get like 90% of the way down then freaks out and stops? Does she have a fucked up bagel cutting phobia?

And here's my question: what in the fuck is she doing working in a bagel shop if she has some sort of bagel cutting phobia?

That's retarded.

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- I have to admit something to all of you. I fucking love highlighting things. Every time a task calls for me to highlight things I just get real deal excited to highlight shit. Between me and you, sometimes the task doesn't require me to highlight anything, but I do it anyways.

I do it Yellow, pink, and sometimes even blue if I'm feeling frisky. I'm just really into highlighting stuff. I'll go on record...Highlighting: its what Sully is really really into.

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-The Do's and Don’ts of Working in My Office Cafeteria

*DO: Use the same tongs to handle both vegan veggie wraps and dirty greasy bacon strips

*DON'T: Take off your plastic gloves before scratching the back of your thigh

*DO: Be inconsistent with how much feta cheese you put on everyone's Greek salad.

*DON'T: Worry about handling the massive line of customers gathering at your stand because your Polish conversation with co-workers is far more important.

*DO: Look at customers like they are mental when they ask for extra mozzarella on their chicken cutlet

*DON'T: Under any circumstances show the slightest hint of emotion

*DO: Let your extremely old (grand?)mother with swollen ankles sit in a chair near your stand and stare ominously at everyone who approaches and gross them out with said swollen ankles at the very time that they do not want to be grossed out at all

*DON'T: Ever break, bend, or circumvent any rule no matter how needless it may be because "that's how Hitler got started."

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Final Thoughts...

All in all I actually do really like corporate life. They gave us free cotton candy earlier this year. Hey! $2 sundaes once a week, can't beat that right? They let you apply your own syrup too, which makes a world of difference. Who the fuck can tell me how much syrup I need? Having to dress up all the time is a pain in the ass, but I stick it to them about the dress code in ways they'll never figure out. For example, I am not wearing any underwear right now.

16 comments:

Kori said...

The last line? Thanks for that. Really. You are like my third bloggy crush, I have a good imagination, everyone wins. :)

Kori said...

Thank you for your response; it was beautiful, and I am glad you wrote it. I think you are a talented write, and so yeah, you are funny and out there and you make me laugh out loud, but you know what keeps me coming back? that one ppost your wrote and almost immediately deleted. Becuase I know that behind this blog is the real you, and for some reason that makes it all the funnier.

Maxi Cane said...

Bagels not cut properly?

Here was me thinking we had real problems.

Suzy said...

We should have our own talk show called "Why Everyone Is Wrong About Everything Except Us."

R2K said...

: )

Dave said...

Sully you crack me up! Dude in corporate life, no underwear separates the tigers from the pussy cats.
Thanks for your great humor and thanks for your kind warm comments!
You are a great guy, and one hell of a funny guy!

catscratch said...

Highlighting while going commando must be absolutely orgazzzmic.

Brian o vretanos said...

I'm sure I already left a comment - Blogger must have eaten it.

No doubt these days sex discrimination laws mean that they can't stop you wearing a skirt, heels, etc. Or are you already doing that?

CPTWilly said...

Brian has a good point. But if you choose to wear the skirt, are you going to go "Sharon Stone" and wear the skirt commando?
Wait, that is the LAST thing I want to know.

Sully Sullivan said...

I tried the skirt thing but it got too weird after the second sexual assault suit I had to file.

Miss said...

You need to twitter. Like NOW.

Sully Sullivan said...

Miss - I keep hearing about this twitter thing. What is it? Sounds like a sex move

Kori - yeah sadly I think I lost that post when I changed blogs. Gone forever

Dave-no problem my man. You're inspirational.

Suzy-you're the hollywood big wig. Set it up and I'll be on the next flight.

Cat-i've done it so much the feeling is gone

Brian- see my last reply

Maxi- bagels are pretty important

leigh said...

i used to not wear pants on thursdays. now i don't wear them everyday. unemployment will do that to you.

Krissyface said...

Well...the Polish conversation IS more important. Anything that's worth saying, is worth saying in Polish. I always say. In Polish.

What?

Kirsten said...

LOL! That's great!! I needed that laugh. I mean the whole thing!

~Static~ said...

Ha ha! Where the hell do you work man, Warsaw?

Psst: the Bagel Lady is just lazy, and likes to piss people off with her uneven bagel cutting skills...

Highlighters are for sniffing, hence the reason they are called HIGH-lighters.

The Polish Lunch Lady wants to pour melted mozzarella and feta cheese into your pants and rub her cottage cheese thighs all over you... and her grandmother wants you to lick her swollen ankles. You wanted someone to share that bathtub full of $2 sundaes, right? It's a 2-for-1 bonus dude.