Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Your Ridiculous News - September 9th/10th Edition

Oasis Gets Rocked

"Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher was attacked by an audience member during the band’s set at the Virgin Festival in Toronto. As evidenced by the above video, the unnamed assailant appears from stage right and pushes Noel into his monitor while the band played 'Morning Glory.' The man then attempts to confront singer Liam Gallagher before being promptly restrained by security (who also had to restrain Liam from punching the assailant). The band followed the attack with a short break before returning to the stage to resume their set. The unnamed attacker was later charged with assault."
-Rolling Stone Website (Video Courtesy of

I'll start by saying that the attacker's name is also my uncle's name. That's not really relevant in any way, but when it's 8 am and you're on your way to work...for almost a second you truly believe that your uncle attacked Oasis. In that brief moment, you're more alive than you've ever been.

Anyhow, this is brilliant in so many ways. I've always liked Oasis as musicians, but as human beings, it doesn't get much more annoying than two melodramatic brothers who can't seem to get along regardless of how much money hinges upon their unity.

It all went down in my hometown. The hero in our story decided that he'd heard "What's The Story (Morning Glory)" one too many times and that song names with bracketed items in them are very very stupid. Succumbing to the anger brewing deep inside his belly, he rushed the stage. Once on the stage, he violently tackled both brothers simultaneously (KILLER COMBO!!!), and was promptly arrested (OH NO! GAME OVER!!!). Apparently Noel's rib was fractured in the exchange, but he was probably going to have that removed anyway.

Obama VS Palin: Who's liberal-er?

"Sen. John McCain has wiped away many of Sen. Barack Obama's pre-convention advantages, and the race for the White House is now basically deadlocked at 47 percent for Obama and 46 percent for McCain among registered voters, according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll. The presidential contest is also about even among those who are the most likely to vote in November: 49 percent for McCain, 47 percent for Obama."
-Washington Post

Well it wasn't really supposed to happen this way. The plan was that people would get all jollied up with the false hope of a democrat being back in the oval office and then the gun toting, red blooded Americans with obese children that comprise most of America would crush said jollies by electing McCain by a narrow margin.

Well FUCK THAT. Cat's outta the bag apparently. Barack "Mortal Kombat 3" Obama is already falling behind in the polls. You just have to love the republicans for saying, "Oh you have a black guy? Well CHECK THIS Alaskan MILF hockey-mom with a pregnant teen daughter and a down syndrome son. BOOMSHAKALAKA...Bank it, motherfuckers."

And the American public has. End of story. At least B-rack (not to be confused with your girlfriend's chest) can now look forward to not being assassinated.

Tom Brady Goes Down
On Giselle Bundchen then goes out and fucks up his knee while playing football

"Brady, the 2007 NFL Most Valuable Player, will miss the rest of the season because of a left knee injury that needs surgery, the Patriots said Monday...Brady’s knee collapsed under him when he was hit by safety Bernard Pollard in a 17-10 victory over the Chiefs."
-Kansas City Star

If, while I was counting the money that I earned betting against the Patriots in the Superbowl last year, you had said, "Man, something even more hilarious and tragic will happen to Tom Brady next season..." I would have replied with bright eyes, "What? Is Giselle Bundchen gonna turn out to be a guy?"

Although that probably would have been funnier, this is still pretty damn delicious in my books. It appears that Tom Brady has blown a hammy or torn an MCL or (fingers crossed) had his leg snapped off at the hands of Bernard Pollard, who I will now be referring to as "Football Jesus the Magnificent One". Ah well, the injury comes at a good time for Brady who has been looking to focus on modelling underwear and stalking red carpets at celebrity events like a hungry puma. He has also announced plans to work at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless...out of his chin dimple. Meanwhile, Matt Cassel (pictured below) has already bricked in his pants just thinking about the pressure he's about to feel for the next 15 weeks.

I have a friend who owns a Tom Brady jersey and wears it every Sunday. I wonder if they sell Tom Brady knee braces.

Love Advice
In a new addition to my (sort of) recurring "Ridiculous News" feature, I will be answering REAL love advice questions from a free local newspaper here in Toronto called 24 Hours. (Yes, it is based on the hit television series by habitual drunken Canadian, Kiefer Sutherland.) Anyhow, here's today's question...

"In the past, I have entered into relationships that in some way seemed to compromise what I really wanted in a partner. I had the belief that if you can learn to love someone, it will be fine.
After two unsuccessful marriages and a recent failed relationship, I came to the conclusion that I won't be one of the lucky ones to find that one special person we all seem to want. Am I right?"

-Tired, Toronto

Hi Tired,
In a nut shell: yes you are right. You're extremely desperate. That much is clear. What isn't clear is who exactly you're looking for. Batman? Is it the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials? Perhaps you would like to marry The Fonz? (not present day Henry Winkler...gross)

What you need to do is settle. First of all, you're asking love advice from a psychic...who writes for a free newspaper...that people use as napkins on the subway. That's not good. That simple fact alone would lead me to believe that you are far too inept to ever be loved by anyone. Second, there is no second. You're just not good enough.

My honest advice: If you are, in fact, so tired of all this, maybe you should just fall asleep...forever. Catch my drift?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The New Fall Season - YAYYYYY!

Prison Break

Synopsis: A ridiculous-as-need-be drama that's addicting based solely upon the principle that people like to make fun of things. The writers of this show are stupid. There is no need to be witty. They are. Just. Stupid. Or Rain Man-like savants. I haven't decided yet.

What to look for this season:
-William Fitchner continuing to be the only person on set who is familiar with the term: "acting"
-Apparently the broad who was dead really isn't dead. This is to say that the show’s writers finally admitted to themselves that the plot is just waaaaaaaaaaaaay too thin without her. She has her head sewed back on in the first episode or something.

How it could be better: Just send in the fucking giant albatross that swoops down and whisks all the "good guys" away from danger. PLEASE.

Terminator the TV Show

Synopsis: Arnold Schwarzenegger said one line in a sequel to a decent movie in 1991 and here we are today...

What to look for this season:

-another show to watch

How it could be better: Eddie Furlong + Heroin = YESSSSSSS!


Synopsis: This is a pretty good show, I'll admit. This is your grandfather's type of television, though. It’s reliable, not too flashy but still entertaining, routine...very very very very routine. Fast fact: this show is written using a mad libs template. Let's take a look at episode one of this season(click for larger version)...

What to look for this season:
-House one-liners finally becoming boring to the general public and not just me (THANK GOD!)
-Omar Epps, the Australian guy, and the young girl all being disrespected by House repeatedly. The three new people also being disrespected by House repeatedly.
-House disrespecting everyone. Repeatedly.

How it could be better: I think we all know what we want...we want to see House cry

Beverly Hills 90210

Synopsis: The whole gang is back, minus all the good looking people and Tori Spelling, and they're itching to get up to their classic hijinks in a whole new decade. Returning to the show are Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth who'll join a fresh new cast of future drug addicts, date rapers, and peach pit workers.

What to look for this season:
- a host of unexpected cameos by characters such as Dylan's deadbeat dad who died, the girls who stole Steve's corvette, cross eyed try-hard Andrea, Steve's blond afro mullet, etc.
- yet another Kelly Taylor drug addiction
- this time Donna Martin ACTUALLY doesn't graduate

How it could be better: Brian Austen Green dance solos forever.

Boston Legal

Synopsis: Funny creepy meets creepy creepy when William Shatner and James Spader team up yet again for the show's 5th season (I know I'm as surprised as you are).

What to look for this season:
-hopefully more of that hot piece of tail Candice Bergen
-Camryn Manheim reprises her role as the intimidating dude from the original show "The Practice"
-A shit-load more of James Spader's signature cocked-chin pervert leer.


Two and a Half Men

Synopsis: Named after the amount of normal men it would take to watch as much porno as Charlie Sheen, this show returns to defend its title of Best Sitcom on Television (according to people who have obviously never seen The Office).

What to look for this season:
-Charlie sheen dies....his hair blonde and poses as Denise Richards in order to legally see his children
- the "half" part of the shows sees a lot more screen time. Oh, and the kid has a lot of scenes too

How it could be better: Cast Overhaul -- Charlie Sheen keeps his role, the other "man" is replaced by Martin Sheen and the "half" character is now played by Emilio Estevez