Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Your Ridiculous News

CHINA TO LITTLE GIRL: "FUCK YOU"

"A 7-year-old Chinese girl was not good-looking enough for the Olympics opening ceremony, so another little girl with a pixie smile lip-synched Ode to the Motherland, a ceremony official said -- the latest example of the lengths Beijing took for a perfect start to the Summer Games."
-Associated Press

You know what, I'm glad they did this. Honestly, ugly kids have no place in front of a television camera regardless of how hard they've worked or how much they deserve it. If I saw that ugly girl singing at the opening ceremonies I'd have to say to myself, "CHRIST! The rampant pollution, the almost tyrannical reign the government has taken in censorship, the lack of reliable local food, and that whole Tibet thing were passable, but this ugly little kid does it...the Olympics are now officially ruined." Guess what...I hate you China. Forever. Japan is about 1.3 billion times better than you. Hell, I'd take North Korea over you jackasses, and that is one hell of a strong statement. And no, I'm not a racist. I'm a retarded-country-ist.

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SUSPECTED ABDUCTION ACTUALLY TEENAGED SEX GAME

"Ottawa [Canada] police say a report of a woman tied up and held in a car turned out to be two teenagers role-playing...Police say the woman was sitting in a black Fiat convertible, her mouth was covered by duct tape and her hands were bound by duct tape, and tied to the head rest. Police say the initial investigation shows the man and woman, both 18-years-old, are in a relationship and were role playing."
- 24 Hours (Canadian News Paper)

Wow. Thank god the cops didn't look down and see the strap-on she was wearing; otherwise it would have really been weird. Look, I'm not even that old and this story has left me saying, "Kids these days are fucked." (Mom, you may want to stop reading...) Yeah, I role played when I was younger, hell I still do now, but this may be pushing it to the limits a little bit. I'm no pussy, but I know the difference between good role playing and bad role playing, and when the police and a national newspaper are involved, it's safe to say that it is bad role playing. Ah well, lesson learned I guess. Try something a little more sane…like poo play.

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TORI SPELLING QUITS 90210, NOBODY GIVES A CARE

"[Tori Spelling] walked away from the revamped TV show after discovering she is to be paid $10,000 to $20,000 US per episode -- less than half the figure former co-stars Jennie garth and Shannen Doherty are picking up to reprise their roles."
-METRO News Services

Um producer guys, you could get a real horse for $3600 a year. Chances are it will be a better actress and it'll definitely kick people in the abdomen a lot less. Like come on here Tori, I know you have to put oat bags on the table, and God knows your hasn't-acted-since-JAG husband isn't going to do it, but you're a horrible actress AND you're ugly as polka dots. Maybe you're still under the impression that you have even an ounce of talent, but guess what...YOUR DAD IS DEAD and any shot you ever had at being relevant died with him. The only chance you have at getting paid now would be to dig up his old rotting body and physically re-animate it a la Weekend at Bernie's and have it convince everyone that you have any business being anything but something little guys ride at the race track. To ask for more than $5 per lifetime is a slap in the face to Luke Perry's drug addiction and Jason Priestley's sideburns.

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AND FINALLY FROM THE "NO FUCKING SHIT..." FILES

Country singer Carrie Underwood says that fame can hurt dating.

I'll be updating the links on the right soon. So hold tight, you'll be wasting time in no time.

Thanks for stopping by. Go fuck yourselves, San Diego!

38 comments:

Kori said...

Do I detect the slightest taint of bitterness today? And ugly as polka dots? Guess I should go home and change my shirt... although I do believe there is something seriously whacked about them. Look for my post today, will ya?

catscratch said...

Heh, thank Christ I'm not famous.

Tori Spelling is retarded.

Polka dots remind me of my great grandma's moo-moo.

China sucks bull swollen balls.

Tiggy said...

In a country of 1.5 billion people, couldn't the Chinese come up with ONE little kid who didn't look like a Mongolian horse and could sing?

They've made a little girl cry now. I'm never buying their plastic crap again.

Steph said...

If you had ever told me - in the midst of that horrifying debacle that was the JonBenet Ramsey murder investigation - that there would be an entire nation of people that would have made the Ramseys look normal I would have chalked it up to a good acid trip.

Steph said...

If you had ever told me - in the midst of that horrifying debacle that was the JonBenet Ramsey murder investigation - that there would be an entire nation of people that would have made the Ramseys look normal I would have chalked it up to a good acid trip.

Thinkinfyou said...

WOW! You are one hell of a good one handed typer. I'm impressed!

Brian o vretanos said...

The Chinese have also issued guidance to their citizens which, amongst other things, tells women with fat legs to cover them up.

The joys of a totalitarian society...

The Offended Blogger said...

OK you mean bastard who called me an asshole but then was so nice and offered to help me with my awesome new website, you are an official member of humorbloggers.com now! :D

Your profile page is at http://humorbloggers.com/yeahright.php

You must email me at humorbloggers@gmail.com though so I can call you more expletives in private hehe. :)

Meg said...

I'm not a racist either. I'm an anti-retardist- totalitarianist.

And please don't call me an asshole. I'm sensitive.

The Captain said...

Such a good fucking article I had to rip it off and post it on
TOsports.ca

The Captain

THopgood said...

ROTFLMAO!!!

Tara R. said...

Came over from Kori's. She thinks very highly of you, now I see why. Good stuff over here.

Michelle Ann said...

Ha ha..the china thing is classic. However, I am a closet (no longer) Tori Spelling fan. Her complete "wrongness" is delicious...it's right up there with MTV's The Hills.

buffalodickdy said...

Ranting is what blogs should be used for frequently... Lord knows I do.. Thanks for stopping by mine- Opinions always welcome...

Miss said...

Holy shit. I am fucking ROLLING today after this.

Suzy said...

I'm so over Will Farrell. Enough with the Prick Flicks.

for a different kind of girl said...

My thought is Tori Spelling has no business getting pissed about a real paycheck until Brian Austin Green gets a phone call asking him to reprise his role as David Silver for a special espisode set in the Peach Pit After Dark and he's promised in excess of $30,000 and episode for a mid-season ratings boost. Until then, she should shut her pie hole and take the gift that is her first real job in a long time. OR! OR! She could provide the voice for a prettier actress who would lip synch her lines, ala the Chinese conspiracy!

Thanks for coming by my blog. I appreciate it! I'm definitely putting this in the Reader for future visits! Thanks!

Alice said...

Are you kidding me? When the police and a national newspaper are involved - it like the mother of all role-play! *shudder*

Rickey Henderson said...

Good to see that China has their priorities in the right place.

A monk on fire? Oh just leave him be, he's supposed to be like that.

A slightly imperfect little girl singing the national anthem? EVERYBODY PANIC!

FreedomFirst said...

That is disgusting about China, but not surprising. Their culture is all about appearances. I mean, really, in a society where the child's path in life is dictated from the moment they are born, with no input from them as far as choice, I can only shake my head and assume this sort of thing happens daily over there.

deb said...

I'm still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor. You kill me. Tori sucks. China sucks for this & for jacking up our gas $$, & a lot of kids are very sick thanks to the Internet and lack of parental guidance . That's why mine is going to a very small private school where I volunteer. Plus she's aware that shit is just that 'shit'!

Rickey Henderson said...

China ain't jacking up your gas prices sweetheart, they merely subsidize the oil supply it for their populace. It's OPEC that's shaftin you. And as far as Rickey's concerned, gas prices aren't high enough. $10 a gallon and we're all living in a much healthier world.

Tanya Kristine said...

that's very sad. and they killed thousands of animals to "clean up their streets".

fuckers.

deb said...

I'll correct myself. We are competing with them for petroleum. What we need, is to come up with is petroleum alternatives sooner than later not ever ending price increases. if you live in NY you can walk anywhere, & you have a good transit system. Here in the rural area where I live. I need my car...sweetheart ;)

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Boo to China.... Imagine a country where physical beauty is preferred over talent...

oh shit, wait...

(and in an ironic twist to this comment, the word verification showed me 'usaqvij')

'That Girl' said...

You're something..thanks for stopping by my blog. I'll be back here.

The China thing - I don't get it..the other little girl was cute, pretty, whatever - why did they DO that?

'That Girl' said...

I can't find an e-mail address for you..so I'll just do this here. You're funny, really funny. I'm putting your on my blogroll. Come back sometime.

Maxi Cane said...

Yeah I heard about this and thought that there's only one other group in the world that looks at beauty over talent -

Pedophiles.

Maybe the next Olympics should be given to them, think about it. We could name the events differently:

The 100m sprint would become the "Escape from Neverland"

If you won anything in a water sport you'd be given an "R Kelly" instead of a medal.

Fuck it, I'm off to the copyright office.

Laurie said...

Okay, brother, you are stinkin' hysterical. You are the me I'd be if I had some guts, wasn't female, and wasn't a teacher afraid that one day her students (or worse, their parents) might find my blog.

In short, I wish I was you.

Thanks for stopping by Thatsthewayitis.

Laurie

Kelley said...

ask and you will receive. I asked for someone to give me something to crack my shit up and now another freaking blog to subscribe to.

And dammit. You totally stole my next damn post.

AnnD said...

Thanks for visiting my blog because it brought me to yours! I will definitely be linking you! You are just too freakin' funny!

Mama's Losin' It said...

There really is no room for ugly children in the Olympics. I don't blame China. I don't have time for those eye sores.

Honjii said...

We could look at the positive side of things...two little girls in China got the opportunity to be part of the opening ceremonies instead of just one. (I'm being sarcastic here) One day they'll interview the real singer, find out she turned to drugs and alcohol when she learned her government thought she was too ugly to sing in public. They'll probably do a Behind the Music segment on the "cute" lip-syncher who also turned to drugs and alcohol after a meteoric rise to super stardom based on a lie.

Here's a little known fact...when Bush made his recent comments, he also lip-synched. Someone behind the scenes who could speak English was really doing the talking.

leigh said...

sully, you crack my shit up. i had no idea poo play even existed...ok, no. i don't even want to think about it.

~Static~ said...

LOL! Top notch post man. You have a whipsmart wit.

Sooo, China is as superficial as the west is? Figures. Hell, we don't like to look at ugly people either.

and LMAO, Tori Spelling compared to a horse in features and acting ability! Not a truer statement. In fact I think Mr. Ed was her biological father. Not Mr. Spelling as presumed. Mrs. Spelling knew how to dupe the old fool, an expert manipulator after years of having an affair with Mr. Ed, she got pregnant with their horribly disfigured love-child (Tori) and told Mr. Spelling it was his. The closest they ever had to real sex was when Mr. Spelling blew his load on her thigh (he was a premature ejaculator y'know)...
The rest is history including his entire $$millions$$ spent on Tori's cosmetic surgery and Ms. Spelling's tummy tucks, lipo and face lifts. Breast augmentations for all!

CPTWilly said...

Sully, thank goodness you have your finger on the pulse of society. I had no idea kids where role playing terrorist sex.

Poor ugly chinese girl. First she got it from China, then she got it from you. Alas, the Chinese, they will screw you, but they will never love you.

90210 without Tori Spelling!!!!! It will be just as irrelevant now as it was in the 80's.

And your right. Polka dots are ugly.

Bex said...

FUNNY!!! You can get a real horse for $3600...hilarious!

xcherry_katiex said...

Honestly, we really shouldn't talk shit about China now that they are paying our debts.... XD