Friday, August 8, 2008

Cars I'll Never Drive and The Assholes That Drive Them


Dukes of Hazard Car

A guy driving this would have to be named Zeke or Bo or something like that. To him, formal wear would be the gray wife-beater. You would think that gasoline fuels a car like this, but it's actually racism. It gets about a half gallon of racism to the mile, non-highway.

In The Glove Box: One of those old revolvers where you have to cock the hammer before each shot.

In The Trunk: "Urrrm...Rusty lawn chairs, a 24 of Bud, and the kids ‘cuz my fishin' buddies are takin' up all them seats"



Pontiac TransAm

A guy driving this car surely still lives at home. He's got his guitar and amps set up in the garage and mom doesn't even care if he smokes in there. His hair? Long and frizzy. His highlights? Blond. His t-shirt? "Van Halen 1984 Worldwide Tour, I was THERE, MAAAAN!" Enough said. The car has to be parked on the lawn because his garage is stacked high with demo tapes and unrealized dreams.

In The Glove Box: The gnarliest collection of cassette tapes ever assembled.

In The Trunk: "Demo tapes, brother...tell your friends. This is the year of Silver Magma Poison Lion!!!"


Volkswagen Beetle

The gent driving this car is lean, mean, and…British? This car just screams pussy, but not the kind that you intercourse. There's a spot of tea on the passenger's side and I'm not talking about stains. The fine English leather upholstery happens to also be the favorite cologne of this wheelman, which makes the "racing" stripes embarrassing for everyone. These cars run on fluoride which accounts for the rarity of it being found in British drinking water and dental offices.

In The Glove Box: handkerchiefs and mystery novels

In The Boot: "Some crisps, a carton of fags, and a mess of lagers to forget me cock ups and get right arseholed. Then maybe I'll pull a dishy bird and bonk her with the old John Thomas. This bender will be the dog's bollocks!" (British Dictionary)



Shitty Run-down Station Wagon

Anyone driving this car has given up on their dreams. They probably didn't plan on having 3 brat kids, an obese wife, and a pile of bills, but hey...what can you do right? He has sex twice a year (his birthday and anniversary), and honestly, he's sick of it. Life isn't worth living anymore and last week, he stood on the train tracks and was about one more diet Fanta away from jumping in front of a speeding steam engine. He went home and masturbated quietly in the basement instead.

In The Glove Box: Snacks for the kids (wife), soda for the kids (wife), appetite suppressants for the kids (do I really have to say it again? wife.)

In The trunk: "Trunk? What the heck is a trunk? There's a hatch back there, that's where the dog sleeps, but he's sick. The operation is too expensive."


Ferrari Enzo

The guy who drives this car's dad was extremely successful. Now while he's at the office closing big shot important business deals, his son is out chasing ass at the gym, buying rounds of wheat shakes on the credit card his dad still pays for. The Enzo is a little cramped to have sex in, but that's okay because his dates always seem to get really tired right when he's about to make his move.

In The Glove Box: Dad's check book, dad's credit card, and dad's reminder note to "pick up his goddamn dry cleaning on time this time"

In The Trunk: "Oh it's jam packed back there. I have a tube of Mentos and a day-planner."


Jeep with No Doors

Ah yes, the California douche bag special. The owner of this bad boy took off the roof cover to give his faux-hawk some breathing space. The room created by removing the doors provides freedom to pack this beast full of high school girls who don't know any better. Research (that I just conducted in my head) shows that this is the car most likely to be driven drunk; which is great because, according to more imaginary research, the idiot drunk driving this is most likely to not be missed when he rolls the son of a bitch off a California cliff side.

In The Glove Box: Mousse, gel, hair spray, surfboard wax

In The Trunk: "There's no trunk, brosef...just heavenly babes lathered to perfection in only the finest of tanning oils."
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25 comments:

Alice said...

I had to start listening to "East Bound and Down" while reading this.

And DO NOT make fun of the station wagon. It was a formative part of my growing up-ness.

catscratch said...

You left out the Pinto, the Brat and the Gremlin, baby!!

As a chick... I'd laugh my ass off at a fella driving around in the beep, beep beetle... However, as a chick.. I want one, painted up cute and all.

Megan said...

Thanks for the laughs this morning. Hilarious as always - I can't even decide which one I like best!

Brian o vretanos said...

Excellent!

I should stick up for my countrymen, though, I suppose, and point out that the VW Beetle wasn't British, but originally built as the "People's car" in Nazi Germany.

If you want an equivalently bad British example, look no further than the Morris Minor", or the seriously naff Mini Metro

Michelle Ann said...

Please tell me that you meant to add a minivan and you just forgot. Because if that's not the case, then a minivan may be possible in your future...Yikes!

Kori said...

Three words: Ford Econoline Van.

Thinkinfyou said...

What kind of car do you drive???

Sully Sullivan said...

F You: I actually don't drive. The public transportation system in Toronto is quite adequate. The brief periods when I had a company car, I had a VW Jetta and an old school Benz.

Kat said...

Yeah I am kinda missing the soccer mom minivan as well.
Or are they now Porsche Cayenne driving, warpainting the face in the vanity mirror, kids to school shutteling soccer moms with no income and husbands to rely on?

Humor Hero said...

I share your dislike of Jeep owners as noted here: 10 Reasons Why Cars Should Drive Themselves

Suzy said...

I would drive the Enzo but I'm afraid it would really be driving me.

deb said...

I have a jeep. Four wheeling girl here. Funny post. I take no offense. I had two jettas and a 03audi tt (that was a blast!)our public transit sucks here.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I learned how to drive in that exact station wagon.

Yeah, I know, I said that out loud.

Heather said...

This makes me wonder what my car says about me...

Great post!

Steph said...

Dammit. You've just shot down the jusitification for my dream house with a six car garage.

Merton Sussex said...

Hammer, meet nail head.

Honestly, it's like the salespeople won't even sell certain cars to certain people unless they fit a specific criteria.

"Excuse me, sir? You say you're paunchy, mostly-bald, impotent and fifty? Then stop looking at those Audis. The Porsche Boxter is the car you MUST drive. And dried-up trophy wife who dresses twenty years past her prime and wears a pound of makeup? I'll be by to show you the Mercedes line right after I get the Escalade test-drive keys for the obese Negro gentleman in the matching FUBU shorts and button-down shirt."

CableGirl said...

yeah, I nearly pissed myself laughing. Thanks for that. :)

Dan said...

the dukes of hazard car is cool man
(except for the flag on the top) I don't know what you're talking about there.
You left out the all time worst, the Camaro Iroc!
This drive has a mullet and listens to Motley Crew.

Word verifi SUCKS

Meg said...

I love what's in the glove box thing. Must do the same write up for what folks in Toronto are carrying in all those fancy backpacks on the trains.

Robyn said...

LMFAO! Ok...you so called the Cali special! Man..how did you get a pic of my ex's jeep?! Yep..I am so from Cali! Great post!
Robyn

VE said...

Good ones! I'm afraid I'd have to drive the Ferarri just once. I have a thing for speed. Actually, it's probably better I don't drive it. Take it away. I'm bummed you didn't include one of those monster trucks. You know, the ones that need a rope ladder to get into...

Tanya Kristine said...

trans am? yes.

jeep with no doors? you crazy!

Sarah said...

Awwww C'mon! The jeep....you wouldnt drive the jeep? I agree with the other cars, totally....but the JEEP?! I'd drive it. Hell yea, and if I saw you(likely right? haha!) I'd stick my leg and arm out because there would be no doors, and scream WAHOO!!!!

And MY glove compartment would have a toothbrush, deodorant and gum.

'That Girl' said...

Oh, this was great..really funny.

Leigh Anne said...

So true! What would you say about guys in beat up Ford F150's? Out here in farm country they are the shit!