Bio: This man is a staple in most families. He can come in many forms ranging from "not a chronic drinker but gets really hammered at family functions" to "is drunk before most people are awake" or even "doesn't like booze, but coke and heroin are real good". The end result, however, is always the same. Embarassment, shame, and humiliation...for the family. The alcholic uncle couldn't give less of a shit because he's piss drunk. This uncle single handedly kept you in the cool crowd at school by providing you with an endless supply of great anecdotes, and as you got older...booze. Lots of booze, and depending on if you caught him after 11 am, he'd be so drunk that he'd probably pay for it, too.
Quotes: "What? This is my third beer...honestly."
"What? No, I'm not drunk, I always drop deuces on the front lawn."
"Yes your honor, it will never happen again."
This world has A TON of alcoholics apparently. This uncle dominated the poll from day 1 until the end. An amazing 64% of the people that voted admitted to having an alcoholic uncle. Imagine if we counted the ones whose dad was the alcoholic uncle?
Uncle Named Bob
Bio: Bob is just a regular guy. He goes to work, he comes home and maybe mows the lawn. If it's Tuesday, and he bowled a good game, he may get a little frisky with The Missus. At family functions, he's always the one who never says shit, except for one or two lame jokes that are neither sexist, racist, nor rude and therefore not funny in the least. Your grandfather probably makes fun of Uncle Bob, and on more than one occasion, Alcoholic Uncle has threatened to punch him in the eye. Bob, being the responsible man that he is, will politely excuse himself to go have a good cry in his Chevy Malibu rather than satisfy Alcoholic Uncle's unquenchable thirst for fist fights.
Quotes: "Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!"
"I have no idea what you're implying about my loafers, grandpa."
"Look Glenn, we've been through this. Yes, I'm (air quotes) 'effing' your sister...we've been married for 13 years, go have another Tom Collins, I'll be in the car."
When making the poll, I just had an inkling that a lot of people had Uncle Bobs, and I was right on the money. Coming in at #2 in the poll, there were a few days where Uncle Bob was neck and neck with Alcoholic Uncle, which is one hell of a feat. In the end, the lamest uncle on the list had a 43% share of the votes.
Makes Kids Hyper Then Leaves Uncle
Bio: Candy, video games, barbies, porno magazines: This uncle knows exactly how to charm a niece or nephew. He is most likely rich or acts like it. His self esteem is low enough that the adoration of a 6 year old is a top priority when visiting his brother/sister. Doing whatever it takes to win the affection of a kid requires a few risks, but not for this wiley uncle. He stays just long enough for the shit to be lofted into the air, but is long gone before it actually hits the fan. While little Tommy is rewiring the LCD flatscreen with a hammer, Hyper Uncle is already halfway to the Bingo hall to pick up his latest flavor of the week.
Quotes: "All the store had was sugar free gum...so I went to another one."
"Finish all your popsicles before you even think of touching that chocolate fondue."
"Hey Sis, Tommy's riding the cat around the backyard, you should check on him, but listen I gotta run..."
Ranking in at a healthy 3rd place in the poll, this uncle is still very much alive; both in our hearts and in candy stores worldwide. A whopping 39% of the people that voted on the poll admitted to having an uncle that jacked them full of sugar and excitement then split faster than a celebrity couple.
Bio: This is the uncle that you always hear your parents talking about after they think you've gone to bed. He's a menace, but not in the obvious ways that uncles like the alcoholic uncle and the hyper uncle are. You may not know it, but the 3 gs your dad "lent" your uncle 4 years ago is still affecting your Christmas present situation to this day. Apart from the financial strain, you also can't sneak down and watch TV late at night on the couch, because this uncle is often asleep there.
Quotes: "Hey Tommy, how's your dad doing at work? Does he ever talk about things like 'bonuses' and 'promotions'?"
"I'm just in a bit of a jam right now. The used 8 track market is finally slowing down."
"We're out of cookies..."
A lot of people didn't get those sick new Chuck Taylors for Christmas apparently. I didn't predict that Freeloader Uncle would be so high in the rankings, but I guess I was way off base since that cheap bastard came in at #4 by grabbing 21% of the votes.
Bio: Motorcycle Uncle is so cool. At least he WAS cool. Now he's in a wheelchair. I'm not saying people in wheelchairs are uncool. I'm saying that people who are in wheelchairs because they haphazardly endangered their lives in hopes of scoring that extra bit of pussy are uncool. Back when motorcycle uncle was able to walk, he would take you on awesome rides and pick you up from school. These days, he can still give you rides and pick you up from school, but it's on Wheel-Trans, rather than a motorcycle.
Quotes: "Helmets are for pussies, Tommy, it's your 7th birthday...when the fuck are you gonna grow up and be a man for christ sake?"
"Meet Candy, she's going to be your new aunt..."
"Candy? I don't know no Candy. But hey..meet Mercedes, she's going to be your new aunt..."
This one really surprised me. I just did not see this coming. Motorcycle Uncle recklessly sped his way right into the last spot in the top 5 with 19% of the votes. Coincidentally, 19% is also the chance that he'll ever walk again.
Official Poll Results...
1. Alcoholic Uncle - 64%
2. Uncle Named Bob - 43%
3. Makes Kids Hyper Then Leaves Uncle - 39%
4. Freeloader Uncle - 21%
5. Owns a Motorcycle Uncle - 19%
6. Molester Uncle - 10%
7. Disappeared When You Were Young Uncle - 8%
T8. Always in Jail Uncle - 6%
T8. Not Related but Sleeps Over a Lot Uncle - 6%
Uncles I Wish I Included In The Poll, but Didn't Think of at the Time... (*Added by reader)
-possibly gay uncle
-obviously cheats on his wife uncle
-immigrant that married into the family and doesn't really fit in uncle
-uncle that turned into an aunt or vice versa uncle
-wrestles with the kids and always ends up hurting them uncle
*-Gambling Uncle (Alice)
*-Still Lives With Grandma Uncle (Megan)
*-Burn Out Who Only Comes Around Once in a While Wearing a "Yes T-Shirt (Damon)
Feel like I missed an uncle that should have been in my poll? Please let me know in the comments and I'll add it to my revision list. As always, tell your friends, colleagues, family, and molester uncles about my blog.
Oh hey, the links to the right have been updated for your time wasting pleasure.
Monday, July 7, 2008