Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Mike Tyson Mansion: A Look Back

Recently, pictures of Mike Tyson's mansion surfaced on the internet. Normally, I would pass on such a beaten topic as Mike Tyson, but since no one ever got much of a glimpse into his home I figured this would at least be relatively fresh.

Now, some of the things I say in this entry are going to be both extremely offensive and most likely in poor taste, but only to Mike Tyson. Really, who gives a shit about Mike Tyson's feelings? He's the total embodiment of the immature reckless athlete with absolutely no brains and way too much brawn persona that haunted our gym change rooms in high school. Well actually, Mike goes way beyond that. Either way, if you have some sort of soft spot for Iron Mike or you happen to be at the welfare office and he's standing directly behind you right now, just click the back button on your browser, because this will probably get ugly.

Although his trials and tribulations have been well documented, let's take a brief run down of possibly the most disgusting man to have ever been born...

-squandered over $300 million dollars in career earnings
-arrested 38 times by the age of 13
-his video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, "Mike Tyson's Punch Out", was extremely frustrating and nearly impossible to beat
-convicted of the rape of a beauty pageant contestant in 1992
-lost a rematch against Evander Holyfield due to the routine and commonplace ruling of disqualification by ear biting
-went to jail again in 1999 on charges stemming from a road rage incident in which he kicked a man in the nuts and punched a 62 year-old
-the tattoo on his face is stupid
-in 2006 he came dangerously close to crashing into a police SUV and was subsequently arrested on DUI charges
-he talks like a 6 year old boy who just smacked his nuts off a frozen lamp post

So please don't come crying to me when I crack extremely mean jokes about his obese sister or manic depression because he deserves every last bit of it. Now on to the tour of the Tyson Mansion (photos courtesy of illicitohio.com)...

First Stop...The Den


I imagine this is the room that he committed the bulk of his rapes in. It looks like something a pimp sneezed. You remember those trashy people in the neighborhood who often wore track pants and no socks? I think Mike Tyson had the same table as them. The design on said table was probably the inspiration for that ridiculous face tattoo.

Next stop...The Entertainment Room


This room boasted BOTH zebra AND tiger print rugs, which is probably the classiest thing since framed optical illusion prints started invading people's front hallways. Also exuding high amounts of class was the capsized canoe roof. The excessive space in this room really deepened the sound of abusive language and outrageous proclamations. Half pictured on the right side of the photo is a fully functional sundae bar, but we'll get to that later.


Now we move to...The Pool

Believe it or not, the pool has actually become cleaner since Mike abandoned this house. The hand rails on the diving board, along with latex water wings and a 24 hour team of prostitutes lifeguards, supplemented Tyson's strict code of safety conduct when raping women around the pool. Also, his wide variety of bastard children frequently enjoyed this part of the house.

And now...The Main Foyer


Many unsuspecting women have made the ascent up those stairs to Mike Tyson's bedroom and let’s just say none of them were gleefully sliding down those gold banisters the next morning; although specially formulated KY Jelly was afforded to any who may have chosen to do so. The archway led to a huge private theatre that boasted a vast library of 1 movie: The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride; which played around the clock without cessation...

And Noooooooooooooooooooow....Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....MAIN EVENT
The Sundae Bar



Yes, Mike Tyson had his very own Sundae Bar where guests could choose between the flavors: bankruptcy berry blast, heavenly hash pipe, or rocky road rage. A ton of different sundae dressings were also available. Sundae bar patrons could dazzle their ice cream with things like sprinkles, cherries, ear lobes, peanut crumble, shredded $100 bills, chocolate sauce, crystal meth, caramel squares, m & m's, and jail time. Retrospectively, most friends of Tyson cite the Sundae Bar as the sole reason they were friends with him.

The hotlinks have been updated on the right. Enjoy wasting your time and, subsequently, getting for in trouble for it...SUCKERS.

Oh and hey, tell your ear biting rapist criminal friends about my blog please.

26 comments:

Megan said...

Dude, you have got to post more often.

"Something a pimp sneezed" = bloody brilliant.

Brian o vretanos said...

What a waste of space! (the mansion as well as MT). The best thing to do with that would be to unleash a bulldozer or a small thermonuclear device and start again.

Michelle Ann said...

Hilarious... Did you ever see MC Hammer's house? Off the hook! Who the hell needs a gold toilet...the "kiddies in the pool" smell the same.

Tanya Kristine said...

it's a pretty ugly house, considering. and i'm all for mansions.

catscratch said...

It's like to pimp-mobiles you see driving around. It's sad. Very Ghetto Fab... NOT.

Suzy said...

Under the word Douchebag in the urban Dick-tionary is Tyson's picture.

Alice said...

Miles of zebra carpet...I think I'm gonna be sick. And the whole repetitiveness of it makes it even more ludicrous. Can you imagine the dialogue between the him and the designer trying to talk him out of that?

Rickey Henderson said...

Incredible. All he needed was a level headed accountant to talk him out of this garbage. (And the ability to prevent himself from raping people).

The Hypocritical One said...

Awesome....

My 2nd blog post of all time was about Mike Tyson...I thought he could rule the sporting world.

And I HAVE beaten Mike Tyson on the nintendo. (just kidding...he's impossible.)

David said...

megan said it dude!
Get thee to the laptop more often.
You kill us!

Tenakim said...

I can imagine a realtor trying to unload this on on an open house- they would probably recite your tour word for word!

Good job on the Tyson facts- all true- the tatto on his face is so fucking stupid.

Are you sure you haven't worked at Hooters?

Bee said...

Ha Ha Ha!!

Well, I'd personally forgive him anything if I got to eat sundaes on a daily basis.

FunBox Comedy said...

All it's missing is a trampoline room and a tunnel system.

Honjii said...

What, no gift wrapping room?

Heather said...

It looks as though the 80's farted and Tyson's mansion was the smell.

Found your blog through Suzy. Great stuff!! I'll pop in more often.

Not a Granny said...

The pool still looks gross!

VE said...

Dang, I'd buy it if only the garage were bigger. There's no room to park my personal blimp

Tara R. said...

I hopped over here from LunaNik's, glad I did ~ you are hilarious. I love the running commentary. I'll be back.

damon said...

This is what happens when idiots get rich.
He probably got the kiddie bar idea from Michael Jackson. perv.

blaine_fridley said...

42nd Street Whore circa 1976 says:
"Zebra and Tiger print together? That's tacky. Now what did I do with my clear plastic mini-skirt?"

Smart A$$ Mom said...

A)giving credit where credit is due; you win the award of getting me outta my funk and making me laugh.

B)"neighborhood who often wore track pants and no socks?" hits so close to home, now that my home is in Jersey.

Kori said...

Next time i go on vacation, you are SO guest posting. Because neither of the people I asked to do so DID. And you are funny as hell! I will be back in the general public on Monday....

deb said...

well done dude! you're a comedian.

you made my hangover better. ;)

Humor Hero said...

Mike Tyson is like the version of Michael Jackson that rapes adults.

Tenakim said...

I have a 'gay award" at my place for you-

MOTITA said...

i just discovered your blog and i am having a brilliant time.