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Friday, July 18, 2008

Helpful Suggestions Humoured

Alright so the post before this one was an explanation of my brief hiatus. I asked readers to give me suggestions on my next blog and I got some responses. Here are the answers to them. The questions can be found in the "comments" link on the post before this one. I chose not to post the questions in this blog because it would have made it that much longer than it already is and I don't want to discourage my lazier readers with a massive post. Enjoy...

For Kori:
-So some old broad has been widowed 5 times and police are now finally suspecting foul play. Apparently American cops aren't what they are portrayed as on the television. When a woman is widowed five times across four states, she's either a cold blooded murder machine or a member of the circus. Someone call up Dennis Franz. Something tells me his calendar is wide open.

- So two GIGANTIC plus-sized morons were coming back from a baseball game and decided to stand up on the top level of a double-decker bus speeding through the Washington D.C. area. Now I know what you're thinking and no...this is not the premise for Speed 3, I already did that one. Reporters are now challenging the safety of these buses, while other, smarter people are challenging the safety of letting reporters report on things.

- So Kori, you dislike Fox News headlines? Here's one for you: "Fox News Headline Writer Out of Ink and Forehead Space, Confused."

For Alice:


I did my best. It's all I could rustle up on short notice. He's a dandy, though, isn't he?


For Catscratch:
1. What's your favorite drink?
-Non-Alcoholic: Dad's brand Root Beer, Alcoholic: Beer
2. What do you do to amuse yourself?
- see #5
3. What kind of blog is your favorite kind of blog?
- anything with that Sully Sullivan guy...he's HILARIOUS. Seriously, comedy blogs of course.
4. Favorite popcicle flavor?
- banana's pretty good, I'm more of a freezie guy than a popsicle guy
5. Favorite sexual position?
- with a girl
6. How's that for across the board?
- pretty far across it, yeah



For Bee:
Geek culture is a topic that I have extensive knowledge of. I work in I.T. and I live with a "gamer". They call themselves "gamers" because it makes them sound like an athlete when in reality, their reluctance to move from the couch prevents them from even getting athlete's foot. I'm unsure of their laughs because each is different. Urkel had a good nerd laugh I guess.

For Thinking F You:
Lifted right from one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our...no, ALL generations: Anchorman. "Yes I have names for my testicles. The left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater."

I've never named my penis, nor will I ever. People who name their penises drive muscle cars and get fake tans and say "bro", "brah", and "brosef". They wear fanny packs when the situation doesn't warrant it and they walk like they're made out of stale play-doh. They also have small penises.

For Michelle Ann:
Bobby Brown running a B & B? Does that stand for Barbiturates & (wife) Beatings? The other two I've never even heard of. Well I guess I may have heard of Carnie Wilson. I can identify her as a singer and maybe the daughter of a singer who was far more talented than her. She was probably a star in 1984, which is the year I was born in. Either way, reality television is getting more desperate than the faded quasi-celebs that star in it. I was once forced to watch the Gene Simmons one. It was almost as embarrassing as his sex tape. The floozy in it won't even kiss him in spite of his repeated attempts at doing so.

For Confessions of an Insomniac:
Overhead on the set of a mosquito porno...

- "Not enough blood! You call that a money shot?"
- "C'mon you pussy, sting the shit out of her!"
- "This swarm bang is missing a certain something...oh I got it: deer flies!!!"
- "If it's irritated and itchy, that's a good thing!"

Meg:
That depends on what you're looking for...here are some ideas...

Day Stuff: art gallery of Ontario, royal Ontario museum, CN tower, blue jays game, Ontario place
Restaurants: Montana, Jump, spring roll (pretty cheap Thai)
Bar/Club: Montana Second Floor, Reilly's, Loose Moose

There's a ton more, just some ideas. Toronto.ca has directories I believe

For CPTWilly:
I'm terribly sorry but international celebrities are insignificant to me (because I know nothing about them). Instead enjoy these funny Celebrity name facts...

-Nicolas Cage's real last name isn't Cage. He decided to change his name and chose comic book character, Luke Cage's name. This explains a lot about why he's Hollywood's most overrated actor and couldn't steal the show at a grade school Christmas pageant.

- Oprah's name was supposed to be named after some bible crap called Orpah, but the nurse who was involved in the delivery misspelled it and she became Oprah forever. And just look at her now...

- Eric Clapton went against the grain by actually extending his name from Eric Clapp. Nice moves, my friend. These days Eric Clapp would be the equivalent of being Steve Syphilis or Donny HPV.

For VE:
"How could we have been so stupid?" asked Marvin amidst a pit filled with the limp lifeless bodies of his countrymen.

"Believing all along" he murmured, "that sea urchins could not survive without water; could not talk; could not walk right over to me and strike my shin with a blow so hard that I would be a peg for the rest of my numbered days."

Talking to only himself, as the last man left standing on the face of a planet torn apart by raging fires and toppled buildings, Marv knew that no words could reverse his grim watery fortunes. Spiny spikes protruded everything leaving the scene mirroring a bad 80's horror movie more than the reality that the world had become.

"My mom, my dad, my freeloader uncle. No one was too precious for the urchins to spare, and now I stand here, the last man on this..." Before he could finish, Earth's omega man is impaled by a four foot urchin spine bearing the Sea Urchin flag at its end.

As the assassin sped by in his dust buggy, a yell, "Douchebag..." could be heard as he roared into the distance laughing like the villain that he, and all his prickly friends, had become.

For Rich:
Last summer me and three buddies drove for almost 9 hours down to Manhatten to stay for the weekend with my friend who is currently attending Columbia Law School. This picture was taken on the Saturday afternoon. We had scored tickets via ebay to see our beloved Blue Jays play the Yankees in the second last season they were playing at Yankee stadium. Upon arriving in NYC on Friday evening, I was unaware that the bars were open till 4 am and the drinks were far cheaper than any bar in Toronto. The avatar captures just how hung over I was and if you squint real hard, you can see me squinting real hard in order to hide my crimson eyes. The thing on my head is a Blue Jays hat turned backwards. My bandana days are long past me. Yes, I have a goatee and yes those are aviators on my head. The original picture contained my three friends, but they have chosen to remain anonymous to my bloggers due to the severity of their hang-overs in the picture. To give you an illustration of the night previous, picture two grown men wrestling each other in a busy Manhatten street while cabs honked impatiently. I will say that I was not one of those two wrestlers, but two of my friends cannot be afforded the same luxury.

I'll keep adding to this as people pose more questions in response to my previous post. As always, tel your friends.

12 comments:

Kori said...

FYI, you spelled my name wrong. :) and no, not only do I not like Fox news headlines, I don't like Fox news. But it is like a sick disease-I keep reading it because I love to get all pissed off about how stupid people are.

Suzy said...

When you mentioned the Yankees you didn't mention them reverentially enough. Now you die.

Sully Sullivan said...

Yankees sucks. Yankees sucks.

Alice said...

Dayyum. I think I'm in love. You ever thought about doing your own e-Harmony thing?

Bee said...

HA! That was awesome Sully!
Also? Dad's Root Beer ROCKS!
Luckily, my hubs just asked if I wanted something from the store so I shall be enjoying one shortly.

Bex said...

Oh, Man. I was busy kicking my own ass yesterday and MISSED my BIG chance to ask you a question. I bet it would have been a good one, too.

Congrats on the job, though. That's pretty awesome!

Steph said...

I am in agreement with the smarter people who are challenging the safety of letting reporters report on things.

Can we get somebody more credible in the news room? Like a bunch of lawyers?

VE said...

Sweet. I love a happy ending! ha ha ha. Very good on a nutty topic. You'll have to swing by my blog...I've got a 'special' post.

Megan said...

I too liked the sea urchin story.

Michelle Ann said...

Sully, I am still going to watch a reality show that combines a B & B with Bobby Brown...I can't help myself

catscratch said...

Sweet!!! Freezzzzzies!

You're the master of knowledge! And that is across the board.

Tenakim said...

I will never look at your avatar the same again!

So you won't name your penis, so I guess you don't wear a fanny pack, drive a muscle car, fake tan AND you don't have a small penis- all good things to know!