Monday, June 2, 2008

"Nah...No One Is Probably Looking..."

There's no doubt that we live in an age where the privacy of an everyday person is inconsistent at best. So you can well imagine the life of a celebrity and the total lack of privacy they are afforded on a day to day basis. I mean the paparazzi is always lurking, patiently waiting behind their hedges for that shining moment where a vagina lip breaks free from a pair of short shorts or a nipple finds its way out of a low cut blouse. They literally spend their entire lives waiting for the opportunity to snap a photo of a sliver of areola. It's a sad life, but even sadder is that these guys/girls get paid very well to essentially be that guy who had to go door-to-door introducing himself to everyone when he moved to the neighbourhood. "Tom? No sweetie, he was just introducing himself to us, but I swear to god...if I catch you anywhere near him, I'll kill you." Tom should have moved to Hollywood where he could be the exact same amount of pervert without all that sexual offenders list hassle, but that's another article. I'm here today to tell you that celebrities are stupid...and dogs bark, and coffee wakes you up, and the New York Yankees' fans are idiots. Pretty redundant, I know, but honestly have you ever sat down and really thought about it? Well I have and here's the gist of it. Celebrities go out in their skimpy bikinis and wear skirts with no underwear while they are knowingly being followed by a group of photographers rivaling the size of their own entourage. All I can say is, "thanks". Thanks for driving the online blogging world and giving us all something to look at with your constant ignorance towards the fact that you are being watched at every moment of every day. You are being watched while being watched. There's people watching the people watching you, and somewhere down the line, the whole world will eventually be watching. So what the fuck guys? Maybe wear a bra next time, or some underwear, or don't get changed in public. Whatever actually…keep doing it so we can keep doing stuff like this...

The "Nah...No One's Probably Looking" Greatest Hits...

First up we have Angelina Jolie. Granted I've probably seen her breasts more than I've seen most of my uncles, she should still sort of cover those bad boys up. You have to question the judgment of arguably the most watched celebrity in the business when she's out on a balcony in broad daylight with her tits flapping in the wind. What do you suppose the odds would be that there was a photographer close by just waiting for something like this to happen. Someday her 600 adopted kids will grow up and go to high school. Then what? Regular beatings and taunts, obviously. Going to high school being a kid with a good looking mother is hard enough, throw in some tit shots and a make out session with her own brother at the Oscars and we have a recipe for a teenage suicide. Here's hoping they go to the same school as one of Lindsay Lohan's inevitable bastard offspring. That'd take the heat off a little.






Meet Lilly Allen. You probably don't know who she is because she's just barely a celebrity. She's a singer or a dancer or a doctor or...I dunno. She's a celebrity, you just gotta trust me. Anyhow, here she is cliff jumping topless. My guess is that she figured anyone watching would assume that she was a straggler that got away from the group on a field trip from an all-boys school. Maybe she just doesn't care because almost no one knows who she is. Maybe she's a free spirit. Either way, if she was hoping that her almost-breasts would be all over the internet hours after doing this, then mission accomplished. Oh and thanks for ruining my lunch.








Here's Jessica Simpson administering a self breast examination or trying to execute a porno-esque self nipple lick. At any rate, she's doing this outdoors on a tropical vacation. I guess she thought the paparazzi wouldn't travel. I think that she's just sick enough to have done this in hopes of being photographed so that she could steal some of the attention away from her sister's lesbian wedding to Pete Wentz. I really hope that this was an accident and I think it is a viable conclusion since Jessica Simpson is about as smart as my right testicle. At least she won't have to worry about her boyfriend, professional ball-dropper Tony Romo, getting on her ass about "screwing up".






I've saved the best for last. Paris Hilton is all about filling the public eye with boatloads of nudity, sex, and all around ridiculousness so putting up a picture of a nip slip or upskirt shot would be par for the course. I never half ass it. This one is a doozie, folks. Here's Paris Hilton rearranging her stuff like a major leaguer on a beach in Mexico. This photographer must have had dollar signs in his eyes. They have an old saying in the photog business..."A handful of vag is a handful of cash" and if that's true then this particular photographer was double fisting it. Why in the world would anyone need to be digging that deep into their bikini bottoms...two handed? I'm not a female or an expert on vaginal wedgies or bathing suits or anything, but this just looks plain old unnecessary. By all means ladies, correct me if I'm wrong in the comments section, but Paris appears to be one knuckle away from public masturbation. Oh man, and look at that smirk on her face. The head tilted slightly downward in that "I'm gonna rape you" pose. Sick. Utterly disgusting.



These photos were all courtesy of egotastic.com. Head on over there and check out the uncensored photos, except for the Lilly Allen ones. You might just want to pass on those.

Tell all the sleazy shameless celebs you know about my blog.

8 comments:

Kori said...

Thanks for the great laughs today. And you know, I have not one whit of sympathy for celebrities who get "caught" doing shit like this. Or, really, any sympathy for celebrities at all. But I DO know who Lily Allen is, thank you very much. :) And how come you don't have more people commenting? I love this stuff!

rich said...

lol

Shows you how naive some celebrities can be

Keli said...

What a fabulous post on celebrity stupidity! Do you think that perhaps Jessica Simpson was merely setting a good example for women all over of the importance of breast exams? In fact, perhaps all of these empty heads were making a statement. Paris says, "Yes, I am stupid, but I can do a fine imitation of the real Ma Kettle," who by the way was known for lifting her skirts and scratching her privates in public.

CPT Willy said...

Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Imagine how rich they would be if they could market stupidity. . .

Nick R Thomas said...

When you have to look at tabloids each day for topical news inspiration, you just can't avoid seeing endless pictures of these 'malfunctions'. This is a brilliant piece which every celeb's PR people should be forced to read!

Sully, I could add whole paragraphs about why this is such an excellent blog but I'll just sum it up in three words: you can write!

Bex said...

Oy. Paris and her fire crotch made my eyes feel itchy.

deb said...

Hilarious. Paris is such a skank.

that girl said...

WHAT is she DOING!!?! Crazy-ass skank.