Attn: Subway Restaurants
Re: Being the absolute worst ever
From Jared to the term “Sandwich Artist” to their Nazi-like stranglehold on the store bathrooms; Subway has been terrorizing our wallets, and more importantly our spirits, for far too long. In order to have a “fresh made sandwich”, we have to endure sky high prices, stingy vegetables portions, the lack of emphasis in employee training on taking off the clear plastics gloves when you handle filthy currency, and about a million other annoyances. How is this franchise still afloat? That’s an honest question and I really hope someone waltzes into the comments section with big enough balls to give me a straight-faced answer to it.
Let’s start with the food itself. When talking about eating, a lot of people will resort to the phrase “quality over quantity” and many times, they are correct. However, the only thing that qualifies a cucumber as being of high quality is it not being brown and rotten and I think we can all expect that Subway will at least hold up to the these standards. Bring on the quantity. If I want extra green olives, just smile and give them to me. Don’t look at me like I’m holding your daughter hostage and demanding your wallet and the keys to your Camry. I shouldn’t have to feel like a guerilla mercenary gun-for-hire because I want 7 slices of tomato rather than the customary 5. If I want you to stuff a sack with carrot shavings, start stuffing, because I just paid your hourly wage for a 12 inch turkey on white. This is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. I also demand fresh bread as alleged in the smoke and mirror lie shows that you call commercials. Yeah it’s true that your bread is baked fresh daily…at 6 am. If I wanted a sandwich before sunrise, then I would surely enjoy the deliciously tender fresh bread you have. Unfortunately, by the time my lunch hour rolls around at 1pm, the buns are ready to be cut into discs and handed out at church on Sunday. I came for a sub on “freshly baked bread”…not communion.
Bathrooms are something every restaurant should provide with a smile, not a cold stare and a series of elaborate riddles. Even if I’m not actually going to buy something, why not let me use the bathroom anyways? I promise I will not steal the metal flushing lever, no matter how hot they are right now on the underground Russian toilet accessories market. I don’t really look like a candidate to die with a needle in my arm clutching the paper towel dispenser in a Subway bathroom…at least not today anyways. Basically, if I run in to the sound of sirens with a syringe and bent spoon falling out of my track pants, I’d understand if you politely declined my entry to the bathroom; otherwise, just fuck off and let me pee, and if you’re real lucky I won’t drip any on the seat because I’m a real nice guy. Also, locking it tighter than Hannibal Lector’s prison cell is probably something you may want to scale back on. Spending my sub money on an intricate electronic pulley system and a full on castle moat isn’t exactly a brilliant allocation of resources. Are random non-customer bathroom uses really that much of a priority? How about decently training your “Sandwich Artists” instead?
A subway sandwich MAKER is about as much of an artist as a janitor is a diarrhea connoisseur. They pile meat, cheese, and the skimpiest amounts of vegetables onto crusty, flakey bread. Then they cut it. Then they wrap it in rice paper and slide it into a bag. Well la-di-fucking-Picasso. I can see it now…the affluent hanging 6 inch BLTs on their walls explaining to their rich guests, “This is an original Gary. It was his second day on the job and he banged this one out in about 10 minutes. My eyes welled up, my heart fluttered and I said, ‘I must have it’ and I then I did. Now, come come…you must see my California Wrap” Look I understand giving your employees a false sense of pride, and given the wages you pay them, there’s a strong chance that there’s no mirror access in the hostel they’re forced to live in, but come on...they know what they are and we know what they are. We aren’t as stupid as you’d think. We’re just barely stupid enough to pay $9 for a sandwich we could make at home for about $1, but we’re definitely not stupid enough to ever consider someone working at your franchise to be an “artist”.
Clean up your act, Subway!
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Subway employees are not encouraged to read my blog. Your friends and family are.