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Monday, June 30, 2008

Coming Soon to an Obituary Near You!

(Disclaimer: I'm not wishing death on these people, just stating what I observe to be facts pointing in the general direction of death.)

Amy Winehouse
This one's a no-brainer...quite literally. They don't make them much more idiotic than Amy Winehouse. She accelerated from promising young star to a washed-out druggie in no time at all. Along the way she's alienated herself from anyone with even the vaguest shred of intelligence and lost more friends than your mom's broken TiVo. Presently, anyone smart enough to recognize her break-neck descent into obscurity can be seen running from the "House" faster than a nicky 9 door champion. Her husband is in jail, which I assume is to enjoy some much needed "me-time" away from Amy. Subsequently, she's been quoted as saying she uses drugs because she feels she has nothing to live for (Associated Press, 2008). Unfortunately, a lack of common sense won't kill you, but emphysema surely will. Minutes after leaving a hospital that diagnosed her with the chronic lung disorder, Amy was photographed lighting a cigarette.

So How Long Should We Wait?
Well, emphysema is a son of a bitch of a disease. It can't be cured, but it can be controlled by halting all exposure to lung irritants such as cigarette smoke, and more importanly...THE CRACK. Given the fact that she's already been seen smoking since the diagnosis, crack probably won't be too off the post-hospital itinerary. Basically, look at the date on the milk in your fridge then knock off a day or two.




Hugh Hefner

Men worldwide will be sad to see this guy go, and as much as it hurts to say it, he's getting old, guys. Real old. Old enough to be the Great Depression's older brother. Don't get me wrong, he beat the shit out of a stroke he suffered in 1985 and came back stronger and sexier than ever. He currently has three girlfriends. Most people are stressed out enough over one, plus that much sex at his age can't help the old ticker either. He's rode more ass than a Mexican tour guide and honestly, he's probably going to some sort of exclusive V.I.P. heaven with way more satin and lotions than regular heaven, so we can't be too sad when he kicks it.

So How Long Should We Wait?
It's hard to say really. A man like Hugh probably has some sort of cure for death locked away in the depths of the mansion next to a ruby studded platinum sex swing and the panties Marilyn Monroe died in; so HE may be the one printing MY obituary...in Playboy. God I hope so. Realistically, barring the infamous Playboy Mansion Grotto actually being the fountain of youth, he should be gone within 5 years.





A NASCAR Driver

You can just take your pick here. Driving aggressively at high speeds routinely results in death...or being OJ Simpson. When the success of a sport is predicated on the fact that its spectators are primarily there just to see an athlete (and I use that term so very loosely) get into a fiery life threatening accident, you can't really like their chances. Coupling the frequency of their cars crashing and igniting in flames with the rate at which the hair spray in a neatly tailored mullet would burn under even the slightest of sparks, yields a high risk of a NASCAR death at any moment of any race. Also, let's face it, these guys are probably drunk while they do this.

So How Long Should We Wait?
The next race is July 5th...so odds are that it'll be then. Can't wait? Well enjoy this while you sit patiently...

(Click to enlarge)

Keith Richards
They say a rolling stone gathers no moss, and although that may be true, this particular Rolling Stone has gathered a laundry list of addictions and near overdoses throughout his storied career. Let's just say that if Keith could actually "roll" a stone, he'd most likely try to smoke it afterwards. I could produce a list of the things this bad-boy has been up to since becoming famous in the 60's, but you'd probably have to take a day off work to read it. Instead, I'll just mention that he snorted his deceased father's ashes and went on a 10 arrest hot streak between 1967 and 1977*. If you really want to know more about him, just google his name and enjoy the next 6 months of reading.

So How Long Should We Wait?
This is a toughie. People have been waiting since the late 60's for news to break about a Keith Richards overdose whether it be on heroin, cocaine, or…the cremated ashes of a loved one. Overall, he's endured the test of time, and some could make a case for him actually being immortal. I, on the other hand, believe it's only a matter of time. Too much drugs, too much sex, and too much rock & roll have left his face looking like a bordello’s leather couch. On top of that, the long term effects of doing so many drugs all the while being a full-time alcoholic have to catch up to him sometime. Like the big Hef-dog, I give him a five year maximum.

*Towards the end of the second paragraph

The links have been updated for your time wasting pleasure and throughout the day I'll be building my...da da da-da...blog roll. This could take a while, but if a few days pass and you don't see your blog on there, feel free to let me know about it.

Again, I hope all of these people live long and prosperous lives from here on out, but I doubt it. I'm just saying is all. Anyhow tell your friends...


Oh and I almost forgot...

Happy Motherfucking Canada Day. We're The Best Country There Ever Was and if You Don't Believe It...Come Visit. You'll Never Leave!!!

29 comments:

Megan said...

It's sad to say, but I bet Amy goes first.

catscratch diva said...

Guarantee Amy Winehouse ODs, then Keith Richards..

NASCAR guys have a sporting chance nowdays even if they smack into a wall.

LunaNik said...

So are we placing bets as to which one goes first or what? And, I think you missed an important one...Britney Smears is definately only a few panty-less shopping sprees away from slitting her wrists.

Bee said...

While your post made me laugh, it also freaked me out a lil’ bit because if any of these people die within a month or so, I’ll be trying to get on your good side ASAP!

And the jacket made out of KR's face? BRILLIANT!

David said...

Keith may have died in the 80's and is just an avatar.
So I'll go with any Nascar driver.
You rock Sully!
Number one blog on the net

Brian o Vretanos said...

I've enjoyed my visits to Canada. I think the best description of Canadians is "off the wall".

They say that sex can increase your lifespan, which is presumably Hugh Heffner's secret, though it's always possible that he's impotent, and keeps the dolly birds around for show - after all, women are more interested in the size of your wallet than the size of anything else...

It's a real shame that Amy Winehouse is British. She can't have much to live for - after all, if you're that much of a nightmare at her age, what have you got left to aspire to?

I think you'll find that KR isn't immortal, it's just that he's been dead for quite a long time. That 4000 year old peat bog guy is better preserved than KR...

Merton Sussex said...

Good lord. I still can't believe Amy Winehouse is only 24 years old. What a waste of talent. I've seen corpses with better color. And I thought MY picture was bad.

I think you nailed it. She's already dead, and nobody's bothered to let her know.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'll put my money on Hugh and then Winehouse - she's still has a few more dramas to play out on the cover of tabloids before she's found in her own vomit.

I thought Keith Richards was aleady dead? My bad.

Happy Canada Day!

VE said...

Ha! I did an Amy post too...a bit of a different approach. I like this post. Good calls on all. But what about Abe Vigoda? When is that guy going to die? I thought he died back in the 80s...

Kori said...

"Rode more ass than a Mexican tour guide" has got to be one of THE best lines I have read lately; do you min if I start using that in my day to day conversations? Because believe me, I know some to whom it will apply. Loved that. And I best be on the new blogroll, dude. :)

The Offended Blogger said...

Canada is not a real country, you can't fool me!

That picture of Keith Richards ~ holy moses!!! I wonder if he still gets laid after a concert by a harem of hot young groupies.

*shudders*

Michelle Ann said...

Sometimes I have to remind myself that these people are still alive....

Pele said...

Holy crap, I didn't even know who that was at the top! (Winehouse) She's definitely going to kick it before the others which is sad.

Happy Belated Canada Day! I hope one day to make it to Calgary so I can tour the hometown of Bret Hart. Growwwl. :)

deb said...

I can't believe those 3 "girlfriends" of hef are really doing the deed with him. No way. GROSS! I could not do an old dick or at least until I'm old.

moonmystic said...

When did it become fashionable (again) to just walk around in your bra? Is it the 80s again? Or did she just vomit blood all over her shirt and have to ditch it? I'll have to start doing that. Who will kick it first? I think Amy, Sad to say.

The Sports Mama said...

The problem with my never leaving Canada .... do you suppose its possible for my kids to survive on nothing but Ramen noodles or macaroni and cheese? Oh, and Gatorade?

That, and there is the chance, slim though it may be, that I'd end up running into my husband's psycho cousin. And that would be bad. Very bad.

Would it be ok if, instead of visiting Canada, I just kept coming back and visiting the Canadian bloggers I've decided to adore?

Hup said...

Hey man, Mick Mars from Motley Crue can't be too far behind...I saw them in concert and WOW, walking dead.

Hey Sully - I also wanted to shoot you a few questions about your blog, but I couldn't find your email...can you please email me back when you get this?

Thanks, duuuude.

Trooper Thorn said...

I feel I need to apologize for being a man when I see Hef sitting there with his 3 bleached girlfriends. He's not even a parody of himself anymore. If he had left the scene 15 years ago, he'd be an icon, a publishing legend. Now his creepy corpse is just a reminder of how antiquated the idea of Playboy magazine is.

Meg said...

I'm betting Keith outlasts all of them--doing all those drugs, he's probably avoided the foods we eat with cancer-causing additives.

And Canada rocks--you gave us Neil Young. Although oddly enough he doesn't live there.

You're also home to the Toronto Film Festival where I will be stalking my favs this September (and hopefully seeing the Dandy Warhols at the Kool Haus).

Keli said...

I was under the impression that Keith Richards is already a cadaver so isn't he exempt from your obits? I think it's at least arguable. All I can say is, his daughters sure must be grateful they resemble their mom! And you're right about Hef. He's going to outlive them all.

Miss said...

Ahahaha Check TMZ, she may already be dead.

Perfect way to start the morning!

Huckdoll said...

"He's rode more ass than a Mexican tour guide..."

Bwhahahah...best line ever.

Couldn't have said Happy Canada Day better myself!!

Queen Goob said...

SCARY THOUGHT....Keith and Amy hook up at a party and have a baby together.

Happy Canada Day?
Sorry - HAPPY CANADA DAY!

Bex said...

jesus christ. Keith looks like the fucking krypt keeper.

But, like your majority here my money is on Amy. What do you want to bet that her death gets 'caught' on film by one of her slimy, druggie friends and posts on youtube within minutes of her passing?

Humor Hero said...

My money is on Winehouse. Keith Richards has made enough money to hire a bunch of desperate and hopeless schoolboys to harvest organs from when he needs them. Amy Winehouse's career is the only thing in her life that has died quicker than she will.

~Static~ said...

I think they all have the making of living a few more thousand years with all the chemical preservatives they have ingested, except for the NASCAR drivers. They just die in a fiery ball of metal and then are soon forgotten.

And... Happy Motherfucking Canada Day! That one's courtesy Sam Jackson.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Amy is probably the only person who will be sexier dead than alive.

And she's bloody sexy as is....

Rose DesRochers said...

Um Happy Belated Canada Day

cptwilly@msn.com said...

Wow, Keith gave up the best parts of his face for that jacket.