Coming Soon to an Obituary Near You!

(Disclaimer: I'm not wishing death on these people, just stating what I observe to be facts pointing in the general direction of death.)

Amy Winehouse

This one's a no-brainer...quite literally. They don't make them much more idiotic than Amy Winehouse. She accelerated from promising young star to a washed-out druggie in no time at all. Along the way she's alienated herself from anyone with even the vaguest shred of intelligence and lost more friends than your mom's broken TiVo. Presently, anyone smart enough to recognize her break-neck descent into obscurity can be seen running from the "House" faster than a nicky 9 door champion. Her husband is in jail, which I assume is to enjoy some much needed "me-time" away from Amy. Subsequently, she's been quoted as saying she uses drugs because she feels she has nothing to live for (Associated Press, 2008). Unfortunately, a lack of common sense won't kill you, but emphysema surely will. Minutes after leaving a hospital that diagnosed her with the chronic lung disorder, Amy was photographed lighting a cigarette.

So How Long Should We Wait?
Well, emphysema is a son of a bitch of a disease. It can't be cured, but it can be controlled by halting all exposure to lung irritants such as cigarette smoke, and more importanly...THE CRACK. Given the fact that she's already been seen smoking since the diagnosis, crack probably won't be too off the post-hospital itinerary. Basically, look at the date on the milk in your fridge then knock off a day or two.

Hugh Hefner

Men worldwide will be sad to see this guy go, and as much as it hurts to say it, he's getting old, guys. Real old. Old enough to be the Great Depression's older brother. Don't get me wrong, he beat the shit out of a stroke he suffered in 1985 and came back stronger and sexier than ever. He currently has three girlfriends. Most people are stressed out enough over one, plus that much sex at his age can't help the old ticker either. He's rode more ass than a Mexican tour guide and honestly, he's probably going to some sort of exclusive V.I.P. heaven with way more satin and lotions than regular heaven, so we can't be too sad when he kicks it.

So How Long Should We Wait?
It's hard to say really. A man like Hugh probably has some sort of cure for death locked away in the depths of the mansion next to a ruby studded platinum sex swing and the panties Marilyn Monroe died in; so HE may be the one printing MY obituary...in Playboy. God I hope so. Realistically, barring the infamous Playboy Mansion Grotto actually being the fountain of youth, he should be gone within 5 years.

A NASCAR Driver

You can just take your pick here. Driving aggressively at high speeds routinely results in death...or being OJ Simpson. When the success of a sport is predicated on the fact that its spectators are primarily there just to see an athlete (and I use that term so very loosely) get into a fiery life threatening accident, you can't really like their chances. Coupling the frequency of their cars crashing and igniting in flames with the rate at which the hair spray in a neatly tailored mullet would burn under even the slightest of sparks, yields a high risk of a NASCAR death at any moment of any race. Also, let's face it, these guys are probably drunk while they do this.

So How Long Should We Wait?
The next race is July 5th...so odds are that it'll be then. Can't wait? Well enjoy this while you sit patiently...

(Click to enlarge)

Keith Richards

They say a rolling stone gathers no moss, and although that may be true, this particular Rolling Stone has gathered a laundry list of addictions and near overdoses throughout his storied career. Let's just say that if Keith could actually "roll" a stone, he'd most likely try to smoke it afterwards. I could produce a list of the things this bad-boy has been up to since becoming famous in the 60's, but you'd probably have to take a day off work to read it. Instead, I'll just mention that he snorted his deceased father's ashes and went on a 10 arrest hot streak between 1967 and 1977*. If you really want to know more about him, just google his name and enjoy the next 6 months of reading.

So How Long Should We Wait?
This is a toughie. People have been waiting since the late 60's for news to break about a Keith Richards overdose whether it be on heroin, cocaine, or…the cremated ashes of a loved one. Overall, he's endured the test of time, and some could make a case for him actually being immortal. I, on the other hand, believe it's only a matter of time. Too much drugs, too much sex, and too much rock & roll have left his face looking like a bordello’s leather couch. On top of that, the long term effects of doing so many drugs all the while being a full-time alcoholic have to catch up to him sometime. Like the big Hef-dog, I give him a five year maximum.

*Towards the end of the second paragraph

The links have been updated for your time wasting pleasure and throughout the day I'll be building my...da da da-da...blog roll. This could take a while, but if a few days pass and you don't see your blog on there, feel free to let me know about it.

Again, I hope all of these people live long and prosperous lives from here on out, but I doubt it. I'm just saying is all. Anyhow tell your friends...

Oh and I almost forgot...

Happy Motherfucking Canada Day. We're The Best Country There Ever Was and if You Don't Believe It...Come Visit. You'll Never Leave!!!