What if the nicknames of sports teams were a true reflection of the team and/or its players? I present to you, last night's highlights in the world of Fake Literal Sports...
New Jersey Devils (NHL) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (MLB)
This was a classic battle of good versus evil. Young center field prospect Jesus Christ turned in an MVP-like performance correctly pronouncing infielder Maicer Izturis' name an astounding two times, which the Angels' color commentator emphatically declared a "goddamned miracle". However, in the end, the Devils locked up an easy victory...seemingly too easy in fact. Angels’ manager Mike Scoscia later admitted in a post game interview that he had sold his soul to the Devils' owner, Satan himself, for his career .259 batting average and a guaranteed spot in the Italian Baseball Hall of Fame. Joe DiMaggio and Tommy Lasorda, both long deceased, were on hand in spirit as the only other members.
Washington Nationals (MLB) vs. Washington Redskins (NFL)
This historical battle played out in front of an abnormally small crowd as most scalpers had died off in the hours preceding the match. Led into Mayflower Sports Complex by star lefty Grain Alcohol, the Nationals came out absolutely gunning. Reliable catcher Small Pox blanketed the Redskins' offense. The energy in the building was contagious throughout the night as the home team literally raped and pillaged the opposition. The Redskins put up a valiant effort but in all honesty, it was like they brought a bow and arrow to a gun fight. The Nationals now look to their next opponents, the Cleveland Indians, as they continue their Manifest Destiny road trip to the west coast.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish (NCAA) vs. Montreal Canadiens (NHL)
The visiting Fighting Irish were forced to forego their pregame ritual of pounding whisky shots and beating their kids when the host Canadiens stocked the away dressing room with only red wine and orange soda. The game started out as planned with the Irish coming out swinging while the French Canadian side organized a referendum to separate itself from sports entirely. The Fighting Irish sealed the victory when the Canadiens decided to return to their French roots and concede the battle well before their loss was sure.
Utah Jazz (NBA) vs. Minnesota Wild (NHL) vs. Orlando Magic (NBA) vs. Cleveland Browns (NFL)
All 4 of these teams brought a ton of intangibles to the table due in large part to fact that they are, by name, intangible. This epic sport event was the first of it's kind to charge fans admission to an empty arena in which they sat and imagined what it would be like for a dark art, bland color, music, and...uhh...I guess a span of forestry to all collide in brutal competition. Each being versatile enough to cover the noun and adjective categories of grammar, these teams matched up well against each other. I would like to think that the Magic 'pulled' a victory out of their 'hat', but in the end the winner was really just up to your imagination. Picture Miles Davis VS David Copperfield VS Your Dad's Recliner VS A Tree (?). Intense.
Philadelphia 76'ers (NBA) vs. San Francisco 49'ers (NFL)
This one came down to the numbers. Heavy favorite, the 76'ers, were surprised to be informed that this wasn't a "higher number wins" competition. In the end, the fans were disappointed to learn that they were all a small part of a more elaborate game of "pick a number" in which neither 76 nor 49 was chosen. In an attempt to salvage the experience, the second parts of each number got together to excite and arouse the crowd. Everyone left satisfied.
Chicago White Sox (MLB) vs. Boston Red Sox (MLB)
This event took place in the fabled Top Drawer of Your Armoire Stadium along the Leaking Furnace River in picturesque The Basement, Your Mom's Place. The cold fact that it's not Christmas season put the Red Sox at an immediate disadvantage. Then when your father came down and demanded that you mow the lawn, the White Sox triumph was all but in the bag. In a sudden twist of events, you stubbed your heel on your hamster cage and turned to the underdog Red Sox to conceal the "boo boo juice" from the prying eyes of MILF joggers passing by. Defying an almost 15-1 player disadvantage (star White Sock, Hanes FruitLoom, has been missing since laundry day Wednesday), the Red Sox victory went down as one of the biggest upsets in fake sports history.
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