In case you haven't heard the news, MLB star and total jerk Roger Clemens is a dirty effing pervert. In all honesty, it is a (not-so) well kept secret in professional sports that the wives of the athletes turn the other cheek to their husbands' cheating habits presumably in order to ensure said cheek rests on a pillow made of fine jewels and cold hard cash. Still, this couldn't have happened to a more deserving man. In a span of 48 hours, the former Cy Young Award winner has been linked to a country singer, a real estate agent, and the ex-wife of pro golfer John Daly. It's a toss up as to which story is more ridiculous. On one hand, you have the fact that Clemens allegedly started his relationship with country singer McCready when she was just 15 years old, which immediately solidifies his redneck status, but the question on all of our minds is "are they related?" You would think that this story is easily the run away winner and you would be dead wrong. Just as interesting is his alleged tryst with John Daly's ex. Sleeping with her sets the stage for an inevitable celebrity boxing bout that will be dubbed "The Fallen Rocket vs The Loose Cannon". However, the way both of these men's careers are going, they may have to resuscitate the Bum Fights franchise just to get the damn thing on the air. The most intriguing aspect of this hilarious turn of events is the sheer rate at which these women are coming forward. If they can keep this pace, it'll only take 8 years for the amount of times Clemens hasn't "struck out" to surpass the tally of times he has struck someone else out (over 4700).
I think it's time for me to get in on the ground floor and do a little expose of my own on the Rocket. I worked tirelessy for maybe 25 minutes and assembled this timeline of Roger Clemens'"extracurricular" activities...
"Rocket" Roger Clemens Extracurricular Time Line
March 1983: Clemens chooses the #21 as a reminder to himself of the maximum age limit for girls he will sleep with.
May 1984: Celebrates MLB debut alone at a Boston-area Chuck-E-Cheese.
Fall 1986: Publicly declares his switch from "thrower" to "pitcher" and admits that the change has nothing at all to do with baseball.
August 1991: Clemens spends the entirety of his salary for that year on gifts for various "nephews" scattered across the United States, Canada, and parts of Cancun, Mexico.
1993-1996: Pitching production dips coinciding with an infidelity production surge.
June 1997: Teammate and fellow cheater Ed Sprague walks in on the Rocket doing steriods off the small of Brian Mcnamee's back.
Winter 1998: Defeats pro golfer John Daly in an arm wrestling match earning himself the right to sleep with Daly's then-wife as set out in the provisions of Redneck law.
June 2000: Becomes the first MLB player to ever be part of 3 grand slams in a single day after giving one up to Mike Piazza, having sweaty sex with a fat girl, and then capping off the night at a Denny's restaurant.
Spring 2003: Although never aired, Clemens submits his own cut of the Armour Hot Dog commercials consisting only of him, a 12-pack of frozen Armours, and the whole Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading team.
September 2003: Retires from cheating on his wife and walks away from an impressive 20 year career of being unfaithful.
January 2004: Makes the decision to return to cheating on his wife as long as it allows him to be closer to his family.
Okay, I'll admit that some (or all) of this may be speculation (or flat out imagined) but you know what is true? You will tell people about my blog. Oh and obviously the first part about the cheating with people's ex-wives and underage girls was incredibly true, I was just talking about the time line part.
This is my personal blog, not yours asshole. The opinions expressed here represent my own (and they are extremely funny) and not those of any employer (douchebags or present). I do not regulate or approve reader comments on this blog because I'm an asshole and I'm lazy and I don't give a care. I am not responsible for the content in comments, no matter how shitty they are, other than those made by me, or other online content that I may link to.
Furthermore, if you are Tori Spelling, please feel free to sue me...it will give me an opportunity to meet you in person (in a court of law) thus enabling me to fulfill my life long goal of kicking you straight in the cunt.