Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The MSN All Stars

Look we all probably use MSN Messenger. At least most of us do, and those of us who have the pleasure of dealing with the odds and ends of instant messaging could easily name a few quirks that some users exhibit which thoroughly annoy us.

Allow me to introduce to you, hailing from places spanning the globe, a group of individuals that has been rocking the sport of instant messaging since day 1. Without further ado, I present a team that needs no introduction, YOUR...

*MSN All Star Team!*

The Player: MSN Ninja
The Skills: A notorious slacker in practice, this MSN veteran doesn't take the game seriously anymore. Their lack of consistency prevents them from operating on an acceptable level and this is reflected in their constant omission from any important team conversations. This player pops in and out of online status and has the uncanny ability to vanish at any given point during a conversation. This is usually a function of wireless internet...or years of kung fu training. Normally the Ninja will wait until they are engaged in an important conversation with you then disappear faster than a fatty's self-esteem.
Special Move: Going offline just as you are putting the finishing touches on typing a max-out length message, of great importance, to them.
Common MSN Names: "Had a great weeken", "GAHHHHHHHH, I hate wirele"
How To Play D: Buy the MSN Ninja an ethernet cable and help them hard line their CPU to their router or hope you can convince a Pirate to lend you a hand.


The Player: MSN Paradox
The Skills: While always being present at all team functions, this MSN player always seems to have "checked out". They have no grasp of the fundamentals, and the frailty of their mental awareness makes them a chronic liability. The MSN Paradox relies on a solid game of being online all the time yet never responding to any messages. This superstar is always accessible yet never responsive and that's just the way they like it. They are most likely your mom.
Special Move: RSVP'ing to your birthday party 6 Wednesdays after the party has occurred.
Common MSN Names: "Whoooo, Happy New Years everyone! 2005 is gonna be THE SHIT!!!", "Florida screwed Gore!"
How To Play D: Isolation and ignorance is the name of the game. Create an MSN group on your list called "People I Should Never Message" and stick them right at the top.

The Player:
MSN Fonzie
The Skills: Flashy, frivilous, and a total dick...MSN Fonzie is the quintessential marquee player. His diva-eqsue actions are always calling his heart into question. To him, simply getting the job done is not enough. Fonzie's ultimate goal is to get the job done while alienating everyone around him. This MSN superstar is all about keeping up appearances.They are far too cool to be on MSN. Since no one ever calls them, they are forced to go on MSN in order to connect with people who secretly (but most likely puclicly) dislike them. MSN Fonzie will often have an excuse for being on "this piece of shit program", and it will always be neither credible or relevant.
Special Move: Criticizing you via MSN for being a "lame-o MSN user, bro"
Common MSN Names: "MSN IS GHEY!!!11", "Yo, just signing on to see were we geting crunkizzle tonizzle"
How To Play D: Just having this person on your MSN list is an indication that you may be in too deep. It's best to just roll with the punches and play the numbers. He won't be online too often and when he is, it won't be for long. You'll just have to play through the discomfort and hope it goes away as quickly as possible. Much like diarhea.


The Player: MSN NYSE Stock Ticker
The Skills: This player is a hard worker with a lot of character. Their game can be summed up in one word: dedication. They just go out there and enjoy themselves while giving a hundred and ten percent, 3000% of the time. The MSN Ticker is constantly working on their next MSN name. To this player, when it comes to names, anything goes. No one is safe. Nothing is sacred. By having this person on your list, you will never be out of touch with current events; both their own and the world's. Celebrity deaths, who's selling their car, how many corn chunks were in their poop, what was #1 on Letterman's last top ten list, why 911 was a hoax. It's all there for the world to see and the MSN Ticker is more than happy to provide up to minute news on literally everything.
Special Move: Somehow knowing and noting what kind of underwear you put on this morning. (Yep..a velvet thong. You're fucking sick, dude)
Common MSN Names: "My hamster is currently eating unsalted sun flower seeds using his hands and mouth. He is in his cage and his current mood is hungry.", "Walmart greeters are inconsistent. Some say due to age. Others say stupidity."
How To Play D: Look, as long as the planet is spinning on its axis, this player isn't going anywhere and you can't make them. This is a run out the clock situation. Eventually one of two things will happen: they will actually set their MSN name to something truly notable and you will congratulate yourself for hanging in there, or they will find another medium with which they can convey their thoughts and reports on planet everything.

The Player: MSN Doppelganger
The Skills: Shrouded in mystery, the MSN Doppelganger is almost always a player to be named later. Their versatility causes more confusion than benefits. They're often unable to be found when it matters the most. This player refuses to use their given name, last name, or relevant nickname in any part of their msn profile. Finding them on your MSN when you actually need to talk to them becomes extremely difficult. Their e-mail handle always produces foggy results and resembles them in no way whatsoever. This player gets off on the knowledge that finding them on your list is like participating in a wacky Korean game show.
Special Move: Being mistaken for someone else on your list and gaining crucial information about you in the process, which will presumably be used in further strengthening their propensity to confuse and bewilder.
Common MSN Names: "I am 'The One'", "I have eyes and frequently wear shirts"
How To Play D: Spend three weeks surveilling their instant messaging activities. When you're absolutely certain that you have identified them, right click on their name, choose "Edit Contact" and type the following into the "Nickname" field..."Cocksucking Doppelganger". From then on, not only will you know who they are, you'll also know exactly what they are all about.

The Player: MSN Backbone
The Skills: A franchise player in every sense of the word. This player is the pillar of Team MSN. What they lack in flair and personality, they make up for with their sheer willingless to participate. This player relies on work ethic and hustle to get by. The MSN Backbone is online and ready to talk at every moment of the day. They do not screw around with the politics of msn status and image. They pride themselves on playing the right way. Often, this person is a massive loser, albeit a loveable one.
Special Move: Helping you finish your overdue essay at 6 am...on a Saturday...stone cold sober.
Common MSN Names: "[First and Last Name typed out in regular characters]"
How To Play D: Look, you're going to want this person on your side. The MSN Backbone is worth their weight in heroin and don't you ever forget it. Playing D against Backbone would be like playing D against a delectable ham and cheese sandwich. Some forces aren't meant to be stopped.

Please feel free to leave comments about which MSN All Star you are and other All Stars that I may have missed. Also, don't forget to let all the MSN haters in your life know about this article.

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