"Fan" Mail

Attn: Martin Lawrence
Re: Not Being Funny

Something needs to be said. I'm calling you out Martin Lawrence. You have made 20 million dollars for two movies in the past, plus over 10 million in a few others. This has got to stop right now. Twenty million dollars is a lot of money. Do you think you've earned it? It needs to be brought to your attention that you are not funny. Not even a tiny bit. You weren't funny in the past, and even your past isn't funny. There is nothing funny about you. Your dog isn't funny, your face isn't funny. You are a plain average guy. You were born in Germany. There is nothing funny about Germany. Maybe your stand up comedy was funny, but based on your recent performances, why would I even give it a chance? You lost that right when you made Wild Hogs.

Wild Hogs. It's not enough that you're horrible at comedy, but you have to involve others in it? At first it didn't matter because you seemingly played every character on your God-awful television show, but now you're dragging other people down with you. First you manage to rope some decent actors (sort of) into doing Wild Hogs. Granted, John Travolta has always made bad choices; retorting with the old school comeback of "look who's talking" becomes far too literal when used on him. Tim Allen is a mess and he always has been. I could list all the reasons why, but who gives a shit? It's Tim Allen. William H. Macy, though? The same guy from The Cooler, Pleasantville, and Fargo? He signed up for Wild Hogs? You digust me, Martin Lawrence. I don't care if it's your fault. I'm making it your fault.

Why am I making it your fault? Three words. Big. Mama's. House. Yes, Eddie Murphy put on a bunch of costumes to play the characters in his Nutty Professor franchise, but he's actually funny and even he didn't really pull it off. Mike Myers did it a few years later and again, due to being funny, he sort of made it work. Then you attempt it. You're the third man in on a comedic gag and the best you can do is Big Momma's House? It's ridiculous and not just because no one wants to picture you as a fat old woman. There's many other reasons. Namely, it not being funny at all. I remember 2006 like it was yesterday. It had taken me ages to shake off the horror of it all. I was just recovering from the sheer torture of Big Mama's House; a pain that can only be compared to being bum raped by an iodine squirting longsword. Then some how, some way, the unfathomable happened. A team of (supposedly) highly capable studio executives sat around, what I imagine to be a massive table made entirely of rhinocerus ivory, and agreed that a sequel to Big Momma's House was a great idea. I assume afterwords they ate koala heads drizzled in bald eagle blood and laughed like villains. What the fuck, Hollywood? We pump our hard earned dollars into your pockets so you can buy your diamond encrusted tennis shorts and snake skin jet ski upholstery and how do you repay us? With Big Momma's House 2. With National Security. With Black Knight.

Now you've bestowed another gift upon us: College Road Trip. Hmm, how can we make Martin Lawrence even funnier?!? According to studio executives, the answer is goddamn obvious...pair him up with Donny Osmond. Just when you think life can't get any crazier, you wake up and realize that Martin Lawrence and Donny Osmond have joined forces to create the end of the world. To be completely frank, I'd rather not live in a world where people like Martin Lawrence and Donny Osmond get paid money to assault my spirit. Fuck you, Donny Osmond. Man, I don't get to say that often enough.

HEY MARTIN! Remember when you ruined the only episode of Saturday Night Live that you ever hosted? That was good times. C'mon Martin, you remember, right? You repeatedly swore and improvised your lines. You made an ass out of yourself and were probably intoxicated. Is this ringing a bell at all? It resulted in you being awarded a lifetime ban from hosting SNL. Yeah you remember. Quit pretending you were too hopped up on drugs, booze, and hookers to recall. Just for the record, you improvising SNL lines is like Hellen Keller improvising brain surgery. I'm just saying...sometimes things are better left in more appropriate hands.

The only glimmer in your career was Bad Boys, but you basically shit all over the damn thing and waited for Will Smith to clean it up. Twice. For a talent like Will Smith, a movie like Bad Boys was a springboard to better roles and more exposure. For you, it was a chance to act on camera like you do off camera. Loud, abrasive, and making desperate attempts at comedy. You were home. I'll admit it was cool to see TV actors swear and get into adult situations that didn't involve sneaking out past 9 pm to go to a pool hall, but that wore off after about 5 minutes of having to listen to your voice and see your face. GOD. You are so unfunny. Martin, I'm seriously not fibbing.

If you don't believe me, let's go over the numbers. You're 0% at the Teen Choice Awards and the MTV Movie Awards (anyone can win those, I won one this morning for best toilet shit in a supporting bowel movement). The truth is, I'm shocked that you were even nominated. Congrats. I thought for sure you were going to win Film-Wipeout Scene of the Summer in 2000. I was floored when you couldn't snag an award, which seemed so specific that it may have been made simply in order for you to win it. How many wipeout scenes do you think ocurred that summer on film? You continue to defy the odds. A master of chance.

I hope that this has been an awakening for you. Your sordid past of racism, sexual harassment, and drug abuse was tolerable. It's your career that is really offensive. Stop it now. Go back to doing whatever it was you were doing in that period after you lost your TV show to your lifelong battle with being a total asshole. Honestly, we all enjoyed the break.

Signed,
Everyone

Now I know somewhere Dane Cook is celebrating in a very loud and animated way. Well guess what Dane? I wouldn't party too hard just yet, you joke stealing hack. You could very well be next.