Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Conan VS Fallon: The Not-So-Great Debate

So it was announced a few weeks ago that, when Conan O'Brien takes the reigns of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno", Jimmy Fallon will step in as his replacement on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien". For a floundering network that is "carrying the lunch" at 4th in the major network rankings, they sure aren't taking the proper steps to turn this slump around. I place the blame on the soon-to-be fired NBC Co-chair, and undisputed decision maker, Ben Silverman. This guy is a douche by nature and a cunt by profession. I could list all the bonehead moves he's pulled, but it would be useless since each of them is eclipsed by the choice to have Jimmy Fallon overtake "Late Night"; not necessarily in magnitude, but in sheer stupidity. Granted Conan O'Brien has some pretty large shoes to fill, but Fallon could climb in there with a sleeping bag and still have room for his guitar and coloring books. To call the man childish would be an insult to kids who can go five minutes without breaking into a giggle-fit. How is this guy expected to carry on a conversation with anyone for any length of time?

God forbid Jimmy Fallon's idol Will Ferrell ever guests on the show. Go back and watch old episodes of "Saturday Night Live" and note the almost lustful adoration in Jimmy's eyes each time he's in a skit with Will Ferrell (photo courtesy of sexy BOOTY lisa debo). Fallon always gave off the impression that he was the special needs step-son of Lorne Michaels that just hung around the stage because no one had the heart to tell him to fuck off. He contributed nothing to the show past breaking character at a rate that made it seem like he was a type-cast actor who only played characters that broke character. The only time he's really been able to act like a human adult is in his movies, but that's probably because, during filming, they had to cut so many times that it seemed like an emo documentary. At least "Late Night" is taped so we'll be afforded the luxury of not having to see his laughing fits, but there's the risk of shows not going to air because they couldn't finish the taping soon enough to actually make the time slot. At 11:35 p.m.: "Late Night will be unable to air tonight because host Jimmy Fallon has been rolling around under his desk and chuckling like a stoned camp counselor for the past 7 hours."

There is just no plausible way that Fallon can even come close to putting on the caliber of show that Conan has been delivering for the past 14 years. Although entirely unnecessary in a functional sense, I've decided to see how these men stack up in a few key categories if only for the sake of comedy at the expense of Jimmy Fallon...

Looks:

Alright, well I'm a fair man and I can admit that Jimmy Fallon is far better looking than Conan O'Brien. Not really because Fallon is a manly stud banquet, but more so because Conan O'Brien looks like...well...he's a big tall red headed pale guy. Put it this way, the search for Orphan Annie's father is over. So somehow, Fallon actually wins a category. Soak it up, man-child.

Hair:

Do we even need to discuss this? If David Letterman's mark is the gap in his teeth, then Conan's is surely that fiery pompadour. And my god has he ever stuck with it. You have to admire the man's resolve. Fallon, on the other head, is a joke. Conan's hair is funny in that way that you know it and he knows it and everyone knows it and it's hilarious. Fallon's hair is funny in the way that we know it's funny, but he doesn't. I love jokes like that. I can only describe Jimmy's hair as two black satin sleeping masks wrestling each other on a crow's tail. Conan takes this one easily. (Get used to hearing that.)

Credentials:

Alright, well let's see here. Jimmy has had a leading role in two mainstream movies. One was Fever Pitch, which I think is the real life story that Benny and Joon was based on; and the second is Taxi with Queen Latifah. What do you get when you mix a big fat sassy black woman and a really shy and quirky skinny white guy? Horse shit, that's what. Pure 100% high grade horse shit. Conan has made a few cameos in movies, but for the most part, he has stayed the hell out of there, which is a plus. Do what you're good at. As far as writing goes, on top of penning a lot of the material on his own show, Conan has written for "Saturday Night Live" (1987-1991) and the motherfucking Simpsons, man! "The Simpsons". Jimmy Fallon wrote the "SNL Christmas Special 2002", which went right from his ink jet to Lorne Michaels' fridge: sharing a magnet with Chevy Chase's coked out finger paintings. Let's just hope they don't let him write for "Late Night", unless you have any interest in a laugh-musical-talk-show. Two shitty movies and no writing experience versus "The Simpsons" and "SNL". Oh wait, what about that Diet Pepsi commercial Fallon did with Parker Posey? It was either an ad for Diet Pepsi or the Gay Pride Parade. Conan takes this one easily.

Comedic Skills:

Forget comedic timing, Jimmy Fallon doesn't even know when to laugh at other people's jokes. He has made a farce of literally every skit he was ever been involved in on "SNL" because he's physically incapable of keeping a straight face while on the air. The best comedy he has produced has been with a guitar in his hand, and musical comedy isn't funny. Inversely, Conan was the effing man. From his goof-ball delivery to his risky brand of comedy, he made me laugh night in and night out for many years. I am overjoyed that he is finally replacing that piece of shit hack Jay Leno. "The Tonight Show" can finally be good again. Conan O'Brien is funnier at the dentist than Jimmy Fallon could ever dream to be on his best day. This one is a no brainer.


So there you have it. My prediction is that neither Jimmy Fallon nor Ben Silverman will be working for NBC by New Years 2010, and that's being very generous.

11 comments:

Keli said...

You forgot to add that Conan bears a remarkable resemblance to a wax mannequin that's been melted and reshaped several times over.
As for "Taxi," I gotta say, that red BMW 7 series stole the film. Poor Jimmy didn't stand a chance.

CDoubleU said...

Jimmy Fallon raped a friendless, unhappy clown. Thus is unfunny STD was transfered and we are left with the result.

Thanks for the comment on Sorry mom, Sorry God. We appreciate it.

P.S. I hear Fallon beats children and puppies



so he can't be all that bad

Pete said...

I decided years and years ago that none of these guys is anywhere near as funny as he needs to be.

The whole talk show format is what it is basically because in the early days (for example, Jack Paar on the Tonight Show) TV production tech was primitive, and it really had to be live. Have you ever seen kineoscopes? Both picture and sound suck.

So you could basically have people on a couch talking with an emcee sitting behind a desk.

Also, informal conversation was something guys like Paar (and Steve Allen, don't forget Steve Allen) were hilariously good at. Johnny Carson was around so long that he froze the talk show format in amber.

The current guys are midgets by comparison. Leno, for example, got the best lines of his career in those Frito-Lay commercials he did years ago.

Letterman always reminds me of the most tiresome frat boys I knew in college. You just know that the word "tits" will make him giggle diastematically every time.

My daughter is a Conan fan, but I confess he has always seemed too hapless for me to be completely comfortable with him.

And I take it from your post that the late night TV scene is soon to get worse yet again.

~Static~ said...

The only way Fallon can redeem himself after making the repulsive movie 'Taxi' is if;
a) he has multiple kidney failures and STD's

b) he grows two feet taller and his hair turns red, writes his own improved jokes and becomes Conan O'Brien

c) has gratuitous pant wetting scenes for every monologue opener on the show

d) vacations in Chernobyl prior to taking over for Conan and can no longer perform ever again due to severe exposure to alpha radiation

e) is convicted of rape and sodomization of a goat in a third world country and serves a life sentence

f) all of the above.

becca said...

Um, AGREED.

Fallon = douche

But in all honesty, who could really replace Conan? Besides maybe a clone?

moonmystic said...

What are we going to do when we should be sleeping? Blech.

Thinkinfyou said...

Jimmy Fallon gives me hope that...I too have a chance at success!

BTW if anyone asks you're my cousin, just go with it!

VE said...

Good post. Holy hell though, is that a Mr. Rogers sweater he's wearing in that photo????

Anonymous said...

hah dude they both suck........thanks for stopping by my blog.

oh and that pic of fallon is grrrrreat, who's sexy booty lisa debo?

-Ger from Wonderblog

Anonymous said...

That's "hilarious" - several paragraphs of insulting comments about Jimmy Fallon, whom you do not know. But it's written "humorously," so it isn't just worthless trash.

Sully Sullivan said...

Yes, anonymous, you're right...I don't know Jimmy Fallon personally. All I know is what I see, and what I've seen from Jimmy Fallon is garbage. I think he's under qualified for the job and lacks the skills required to be a good talk show host. Maybe I'll prove to be wrong and he'll stun everyone with his wit and charm, but I doubt it. Why should I give him the benefit of the doubt anyways? Have you seen Taxi? Actually don't bother answering that because either way you're gonna look like a jackass. Good day, sir.