Alright, here's the REAL story...
I was looking through my old laptop, which I no longer use, and found a photo that made me laugh. I had totally forgotten about it, and I think there was an actual real news story that went along with it. The thing is...I don't remember that news story. In lieu of the truth, I just went ahead and made up what I believe to be the story that goes along with this photo. The photo is a digital camera picture of the cover of a Scottish newspaper. The second photo inset in the article is just a portion of the original picture that I've blown up a bit bigger so that it's easier to see. Anyhow, enjoy...
SCOTLAND - A local cab driver is being touted as a hero after foiling the plans of a notorious terrorist group on Tuesday.
It seemed like just another morning of driving Scottish citizens to the bar when Nikolas "Nik the Kick" Titov found himself in an extraordinary situation. While picking up his next fare, Titov spotted a suspicious looking man dousing himself in kerosene outside of the headquarters of the Scottish Fire Department. Fortunately, the unnamed suspect couldn't locate his lighter and was forced to resort to matches, which gave Titov the time needed to get to him.
Just as the terrorist ignited himself in flames and began to run towards the building, he was met head on by Nikolas Titov. Wasting no time, the cab driver-turned-hero delivered a kick to the man's testicles so vicious that even female onlookers were clutching their crotches and wincing in pain. Luckily the initial shot was more than enough to incapacitate the "flamer" because the sheer impact of the ball blow snapped a tendon in Titov's foot; making a follow up effort near impossible. Authorities had already arrived on the scene by the time "Nik the Kick" had limped back to his taxi. One fireman, who had been drinking coffee all morning, quickly dulled the "manferno" with a hot stream of urine (picture below on right). The suspect was then taken to the hospital before jail, but his "berries" could not be saved.
It is believed that the burning terrorist's intended target was the Scottish Fire Department's recreational swimming pool. A rash of similar incidents has broken out in the past few weeks at swimming pools across Scotland. Authorities believe that Titov may have gone a long way in making an example of the terrorist to other members in the group. It is the hope of all Scottish citizens that these men will now think twice about lighting themselves ablaze and cannonballing into swimming pools.
Being modest, Nikolas Titov has refused all medals and certificates of merit for his heroics stating, "I was just happy I could shatter [a] man's testicles. The sound of two nuts crashing violently against each other is more reward than [any] medal could give me." Since the incident, job offers have been pouring in from organizations looking for a reliable foot for hire. Most notably, an NFL team, the Indianapolis Colts, has expressed interest in bringing him in as a place kicker noting, "Since [Mike] Vanderjagt, we've been looking for a kicker that prefers to kick dicks rather than be one." Titov has turned down all offers deciding to dedicate his time to going around local neighborhoods snuffing out flaming paper bags of dog shit with his "miracle foot".
Please tell all the burning terrorists to visit my site before nailing them in the junk.