Yesterday I saw a video of the Kimbo Slice versus Tank Abbott fight. Although I was at work, I took a quick look. I liked what I saw. About an hour later, someone else sent me it on you tube. When I decided to view it again later in the evening it had disappeared from most sites due to copy write infringement. I know a lot of people have been waiting to see Kimbo in a sanctioned MMA match, and it is a tragedy that the video cannot be seen by everyone who can't afford to buy it on PPV. Since I'm such a nice guy, I've decided to give you a synopsis of what went down.
In the spirit of realism, I think the first order of business should be a tale of the tape. Anyone who watches any sort of fighting based sport knows that a tale of the tape is a good way to get a look at the boxers before seeing the action. This serves as an aid in making smart bets and taking your friends' money.
Tale Of The Tape
Height: Larger than life, of course.
Weight: Somewhere between your weight and a fighter jet's. Reach: es right into your soul using only his eyes.
Age: He says 34 and I believe him.
Bio: Kimbo was born when two monster trucks collided with eachother somewhere below the surface of the earth. He is comprised mainly of the power of everything combined. Some say he's more indestructible than time itself. Hailing From: Somewhere that makes your neighbourhood seem like the library. Special Skills: Dancing drunk, acting rowdy, and being an all around "that guy" in porno videos for inthevip.com.
Record: 3-0, but he has two sons named Kevin*...this motherfucker is caaaaaaaaaaaaaarazy.
Tank Abbot: Height: 6 feet tall apparently. There's not a joke here...that's just actually quite surprising. Weight: 2 hundred and who gives a shit, because he's going to lose anyways.
Reach: Like literally eight, maybe nine inches. Ten if he's really really not wanting to get off the couch for something.
Age: Forty-Two. But when you drink that much whiskey, it could be pretty much anything.
Bio: The first, and only, recorded child to be conceived during a trailer fist fight. Abbott's genetic makeup is 95% Jack Daniels. Legend has it that each time he receives a concussion in the ring, his goatee grows a quarter of an inch. Hailing From: I can only guess some sort of shanty. He has shanty dweller written all over him. That or a dump truck or something. Special Skills: There is nothing skillful about what he does. If you've seen him fight then you know what I mean. If you haven't...imagine your fat uncle eluding a bumble bee. Record: 9-14 in the ring, 0-100 in the bedroom.
We have to keep in mind that I watched this at work and I have no sound at work. Due to this annoyance, there are some parts that I cannot fully explain. However, I will do my best. No one said that this was going to be pretty. You should have paid to see the match live. I'm trying my best, asshole.
The fight begins with Kimbo exploding through a concrete wall and launching into the ring just as Abbott's KFC Family Bucket arrives. (Fucking hate when that happens) Kimbo punches Abbott repeatedly while Tank is swinging at everything like a Ray Charles softball camp. The referee separates the fighters for some reason. He says something to Kimbo like, "why do you have two sons named Kevin? How could someone be so ridiculous? I realize you're trying to have a fight here, but this needs to be addressed." The fighters are allowed to resume the fight. Abbott tests his "fighting while laying down" strategy. This does not work. Something seems to be thrown into the ring from the crowd or maybe Tank's mouth guard came loose when Kimbo was punching him a hundred times. Either way, Kimbo struts across the cage and launches the object back into the crowd. The mouth guard/random object, presumably, tears through the craniums of 5 people before coming to a rest somewhere in Thailand. The referee has some more words for Kimbo like, "maybe you didn't know about one of the kids until he was already named? But even then, what are the friggen' odds?" The fighters meet in combat once again. Kimbo hands out more punches than a grade 7 dance. Tank Abbott gladly receives them, stumbles, then regains his balance promptly in time for more blows to the jaw, neck, face, body, hands, shins, ankles, nose, ears, wrists, and ball sack. Kimbo, being late for his role as Guy Dancing Loudly #2 in a porno video, decides it's over time. He rears back in slow motion, cocks his fist into the shape of a skyscraper and lands a devastating blow that eclipses Abbott's entire body. Tank falls to the ground, a beaten man, for the 15th time in his famous, yet oh so insignificant and horrible career.
Moral of the story? Never fight Kimbo. Never leave Tank Abbott around your kids.
Hey, tell your friends to save money on PPV and read my blog instead.
This is my personal blog, not yours asshole. The opinions expressed here represent my own (and they are extremely funny) and not those of any employer (douchebags or present). I do not regulate or approve reader comments on this blog because I'm an asshole and I'm lazy and I don't give a care. I am not responsible for the content in comments, no matter how shitty they are, other than those made by me, or other online content that I may link to.
Furthermore, if you are Tori Spelling, please feel free to sue me...it will give me an opportunity to meet you in person (in a court of law) thus enabling me to fulfill my life long goal of kicking you straight in the cunt.